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JD had given me that apartment way back when he didn't even like me.How was I supposed to have put those pieces together?I had all sorts of confused, desperate, terrible thoughts that led to me picking up the phone to call JD several times before putting the phone down again. Finally, I decided to send a text. I typed a long composition that took me twenty minutes and several drafts. And then I decided to delete it.
I couldn't face him.
I decided I was just going to leave Seattle and not even tell JD that I knew the truth. There was no telling how much rent he was losing on this place every month. He would be better off without me in this apartment, anyway. I would just rip the band-aid off and leave. I would pack everything I owned into a rented vehicle and drive myself back to Oklahoma. I wouldn't have to stay there forever, but at least I could go back to my old job and some place that was familiar for a while to regroup and come up with another plan.
I didn't talk to God about it. My mind was too full, and in my frantic state, I forgot to pray. But I felt liberated once I decided to leave, so I figured that was similar to having God's blessing about it. It didn't matter, really. There was no way I would continue staying in this apartment that was three or four times the amount I could afford. I had no choice but to go.
I composed a text because I knew JD was planning on coming over when he finished with his work.
Me:
I know we were supposed to get together later tonight, but I can't. I'm not feeling well. I'll text you tomorrow.
I pressed send as I thought…but tomorrow I'll be gone.
I got a text back right away.
JD:
What's the matter?
I didn't answer him back right away, and within a minute or so, my phone rang. I silenced the call and composed a text to him.
Me:
It's no big deal. Just a cold, probably. I'll call or text you tomorrow.
I included a couple of playful emojis because it was something I would normally do, even if I wasn't feeling well.
I went straight to work, packing my things. The apartment was partially furnished when I arrived, and I just left all the furniture where it was and put my personal stuff in a bunch of trash bags. I didn't have a ton of stuff, but I rented a U-Haul van. It was reasonably priced and could be available by 6am, so I reserved it. I told them I would be there first thing tomorrow morning. I would sleep in the apartment one more night and leave Seattle first thing when I woke up.
I had enough friends back in Oklahoma, and my parents were there if it came to that. I knew I wouldn't be out on my ear once I made it back.
It was now dinnertime, and I had everything I owned in a huge pile of trash bags near the door. I wasn't hungry, but I knew that I needed sustenance for tonight and caffeine for the morning, so I decided to go to the grocery store.
I was just about to leave when I heard a knock on my door. I thought it might be Rachel and her brother, and I didn't feel like explaining the trash bags, so I stood in the crack of the door when I opened it, preventing them from looking inside.
But it wasn't Rachel and her brother.
It was JD, and I did the unthinkable. I stepped back and closed the door, locking the deadbolt so that he couldn’t come in. I should've been expecting him, but I wasn't and the shock of seeing his face made me do that without even thinking about it.
I stood there and heard him pound on the door three times. "Jordan, what's going on?"
He was not speaking softly, and I opened the door a crack.
"Rachel's going to come out if you don't be quiet," I said with wide eyes. "I'm sorry I did that—that I closed the door. I don't want to give you anything… if I'm catchy."
"I kissed you last night," he said. "I'm pretty sure if you have something, I already caught it."
"I know, but still, I don't want you to come in here."
"Have you been crying?" he asked.
I wiped my face, making a confused expression.
"What are you doing?" He tried to look around me like he thought someone might be trying to cause me harm in my apartment.
I shook my head and motioned like he should stay in the hallway, but my refusal only alarmed him even further. He moved toward me peering inside, and I backed up, letting him in and burying my face into my hands.
