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"What is all this?" he asked, looking around and sounding utterly confused. His eyebrows were furrowed as he searched around the room.
"No one else is here," I said, knowing what he was looking for.
"What's all this?" he asked again, pointing at the stack of bags near the door.
"I'm, that's, we, I'm, that's my stuff."
He blinked. "What's it doing in trash bags?" he asked. He tilted his head at me. I couldn't see his expression because I was not looking directly at him—I couldn’t bear to.
"Why is your stuff in trash bags, Jordan?" he asked again when I didn't answer right away.
"I'm leaving." I barely got the words out, and when I did, it didn't seem like they were enough.
"What? Why? What's going on? What happened? Where are you going?" He tried to move to get me to look at him, but I couldn’t.
I shook my head, turning away. "You own this apartment," I said, my own disdain for myself dripping off every word.
"What? Yes, I do. What's the matter with that?"
"What'sthe matterwith it?" I said, meeting his eyes for the first time.
His dark brown eyes looked worried, and I blinked, turning away.
"The matter is that this was a big charity case to you, JD. I sat there and told you—I gushed about how God helped me find an apartment, and that lady named Ruth calling, and you just stood there and let me… uhhh… even your grandma… she thinks I'm a… uhhh…" I was so mad and embarrassed that I couldn't even think straight. Hot blood rushed through my body. It was so distracting that I couldn’t finish what I was saying.
"Jordan, my love, please come here." JD pulled me into his arms, and I went, but I didn't return the affection. I just stood there, limply relaxed in his arms, devastated. "Please listen," he said, holding me gently and touching me with calming strokes.
I didn't care. I was numb to it—immune to it—blinded by shame. "Please just let me go," I begged weakly.
"No," he pleaded, softly holding onto me. "I’m sorry, but no. I don't even understand what's got you so upset."
My face was pressed against his shirt, and I pulled back enough to see that there was now mascara on it. I was barely even wearing any makeup, and what I did have on had gotten all over his shirt. "I'm sorry," I said, feeling disgusted with myself. "I just need you to get out of here, and I'll be gone in the morning, JD."
"Stop, Jordan. Come here. What in the world, Jordan, baby, slow down, please. Just, goodness, come here."
I didn't relax onto him like he expected me to. I just stood there, staring at his shirt, and standing so close to him that I knew he wasn't able to see my whole face. "I'm not staying, JD. I can't stay here."
"Tell me why."
"Because I'm a big joke to your family. It's not like Micah or Lila where everyone knew what was going on. I was tricked. I was talking about my amazing apartment, and you just sat there and let me brag when you're the one who gave it to me. You tricked me into thinking God helped me. You lied to me all this time, and now I'm ashamed. How am I supposed to talk to your dad and Rita knowing that all of you were talking about how badly I needed… JD, how did none of you tell me that I was a charity case? It's humiliating. I thought I was your equal this whole time. I thought we were together and that we were equally into each other and equally able to contribute. But the whole time, you just see me as some helpless person."
I was mad at him because he was making me have to do this. I had my heart so set on having him and now I had to give him up.
I felt like I had been hit by a truck.
JD slowly went to his knees. He slid downward, gently holding onto my legs and not letting me go. It was the last thing I expected him to do, and I glanced at him when he did it. His expression was serious.
"Please stay with me," he said when I looked away. "None of that is true, Jordan. I mean, I understand what you're saying, and I see how you could feel… I'm not saying your feelings aren’t… I'm sorry, Jordan. Look at me. Please. I'm so sorry. This is not supposed to happen like this. This can't just end like—just take a second, and listen to me, please. Try to understand. I never did see any of this as some kind of lie that I was keeping from you. Maybe right at first, I thought about telling you and didn't take the opportunity, but Jordan, I didn't even think about it after that. I put it out of my mind." He showed me his palm in a gesture of surrender. "I adjusted your rent, and then I put it out of my mind. It's not like I woke up every day thinking about how I hoped you wouldn't find out about it. It wasn't even in my thoughts. And it wasn't in Dad or Birdy's thoughts either. You are not less than us in any way."
Chapter 19
JD stood up, never breaking contact with me. He kicked off his shoes and began walking toward my living room, pulling me along with him. He led me straight over to the couch. His couch.
He fell onto one corner of it, pulling me into his arms. I went, but again, I was not into it. I was so ashamed to face him that my emotional walls were impenetrable. He was trying hard, but I felt hopeless about the situation.
"I need you," he said, pulling me onto his lap. He situated me in his arms where he latched on and held onto me.
I wasn't resisting, nor was I participating. I just sat there, resting in his arms and feeling indifferent about it. My heart was in a broken state, and it caused me to feel numb.
