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I told myself I would act normal to everyone, but I was in an introspective mood, and I hoped I could contain it when I came in contact with Beau again. I knew he was out on the lake with his brother. They went fishing before sunrise and would stay until ten or eleven. It was just after eight in the morning, and I had already gotten dressed for the day.
I went outside with Ralphie instead of going in through the house.
"Oh, hey," I said, not expecting to see Sarah out there. She had on garden gloves and a straw hat, and she was near the potted plants that lined the sidewalk near my side entrance.
"Hang on sweetie," she said, looking up at me. She removed her glove and took the headphones out of her ear. "Good morning, Holland. And good morning, little Ralphie," she added in a cooing tone when my dog ran over to her and jumped up onto the side of her leg. "Are you just getting up? I know you're usually an early riser."
"I usually am, but I slept in today," I said. "I haven't been up long. It's my first time outside."
"How did you rest?"
"Pretty good," I answered slowly, still feeling contemplative and unable to answer in my normal, chipper tone.
"Are you missing Caleb and Hank?" she asked.
"No. It's not that. I'm sad they're gone, but it's not that. There's another guy I'm thinking about…"
I had no idea why I said that. It just came out of my mouth before I could even think about it.
I had already said too much. Sarah glanced at me curiously like she wanted to hear more, and I panicked and began explaining.
"It's a guy from back home," I said, telling a half-truth. "Please don't mention this to anyone else."
"I won't."
"I don't need to burden you with all this."
"You're not," she insisted. "My babies are in different states right now, and Don's the least emotional man I've ever met. I'd love to hear about your beau."
"It's not Beau," I said, too quickly.
"No, I meant your beau—the young man back home."
"Yeah, it's more of a problem with me. I think I'm defective when it comes to relationships."
"I wouldn't say that," she said. "You've been here all summer, and you've made good relationships with all of us."
"I guess it only applies to romantic relationships. I'm completely opposed to them."
"I remembered hearing you say something about having a boyfriend disaster in college."
"Yes. That was two years ago, and I haven't dated anyone since. I have no interest. But I met this great guy, and I like him so much that I am having feelings. Part of me wants to see if we can give it a chance when I get back, but I just don't know if I can let myself. I'm too scared."
"Listen to yourself," she said. "You said you don't know if you can make yourself. That you are too scared."
"Exactly."
"Those are both things you can control."
"I'm not sure if scared is the right way to describe it. I have a strong internal refusal to get my heart involved with a guy. An aversion to it. A distaste for love."
"But it sounds like your heart is already involved. Is he a good guy?"
"Yes. He's a really good guy."
"Do you think he's going to cheat on you? Is that the problem you have? You're scared that he won't be faithful?"
"This guy never did anything to lead me to believe that. It's just my own fear and my own past experiences."
