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I walked into the world on Monday morning like I was starting again. It wasn’t without some trepidation. It wasn’t without a sprinkling of regret. It wasn’t without some tenderness between my legs.
It wasn’t without a few clouds, but they were silver-lined.
My morning was bittersweet.
I felt some sadness at the potential I was leaving behind. But I knew, as much as I might have futilely dreamt otherwise, that potential would – could – never be more. It seemed as though I’d still want Valen until my dying day, but I’d be stupid to think I could have him. It would be stupid, and I didn’t want that kind of marriage. Not when it looked like Apollo and I had the potential to have a decent union.
And that potential was one I could foster. It would take time and effort, but so did all relationships. It wasn’t a pipe dream that had the power to leave me broken and despondent when it all came to its inevitable end.
Florence, as always, was by my side. She would be by my side for everything and anything. She, of course, had been given as detailed a play-by-play as I’d been able to give her, and she was convinced I’d made the wrong choice in giving Valen up. It hadn’t been what I wanted to hear, but she’d apologised and promised to be on Team Apollo.
“Mrs Callahan, for the endgame!” she’d said, as absolutely positively as she could, and I knew she meant every word of it, even if she didn’t want to.
She held my hand as we walked out of the girl’s dorm towards Mass on Monday morning. I paused for a moment and let the sun shine down bright on my face. There was always tomorrow. And today was just yesterday’s tomorrow. I could do this. I could get over Valen. I could go on with my life – and my duty – and be happy.
And I did. For most of the day, life was almost like it was back to normal. Valen was his usual wary self around me, but the contempt didn’t quite reach his eyes anymore. For all intents and purposes, nothing had changed between us. We’d never touched, let alone spoken for more than was absolutely required between two people who were bound to Apollo Callahan for life.
So far, so good.
But on the way to lunch, I bumped into Valen without anyone else to buffer us.
“Miss Vanguard,” he said, his voice all smooth and suave with not an outward hint of impropriety about it.
But in his eyes, as though an answer to mine, was our secret. It was a tiny point of warmth – of light in the darkness of his soul – and it was me. It was an unspoken promise between us. We were done. Even if we both had to pretend we didn’t want more, we were done. There was a civility, a mutual understanding, that made it feel like it was going to be okay.
There was the briefest of sizzles between us, as though it was a mere echo of what we once felt. A pleasant reminder of something once shared. I felt – no, I knew – that it was a tiny thing, just waiting for the spark that could reignite it back to full flame, but I’d said my goodbyes and I had to be happy with them.
Valen lifted his left hand and, as his thumb brushed the corner of his mouth seemingly innocuously, there was a flash of silver under his cuff. My cross. As promised, he wore my cross.
I nodded to him as I reached up to my neck, and I saw he understood; I was wearing his, too. “Valen.”
As my fingers grasped Valen’s cross under my shirt, I saw Apollo up ahead at the door to the dining hall. I gave him a warm smile. I’d always have a part of Valen, as he’d always have a part of me. But it was for the best that I put him behind me now and walk towards my future.
The big, bad wolf would always be a comforting shadow in my life, but my prince was waiting for his princess.
