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“I wasn’t going to leave you to deal with it on your own, Tess. I never would have done that. I might have been a dumbass teenager, but I wasn’t a complete dickhead. Fuck, I was even prepared to put off college and marry you if that was what you wanted.” She might not have thought much of me, but goddammit, I’d been nuts about her in my incompetent, blundering way. I would have done whatever she asked.
She stared at me in stark incredulity. “You actually expect me to believe you would have stuck around to take care of a baby?”
“Goddammit,yes!” I yelled back, her unconcealed contempt snapping the fraying thread of my temper.
Tess went still, her eyes widening at the intensity of my outburst.
“Fuck.” I dropped my head and pressed my palms against my forehead. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”
What the hell was I doing? I’d come over here to comfort her, and instead, I was shouting at her like an asshole. This wasn’t who I wanted to be, but I always seemed to turn into this angry, defensive person around Tess. She kept poking at my sore spots until she brought out the worst in me.
“Is that true?” she asked after a lengthy silence. “Did you really want to be involved?”
I turned my head, giving her my eyes so she’d be able to see I was telling the truth. “Yes.”
“But you never said anything.”
I fought to keep my voice steady, to keep the old pain from breaking loose again. “I was going to, but then you basically told me to get fucked. What was it you said? ‘The only thing I want from you is to stay the hell away from me and never tell anyone about this.’ I mean, Jesus, Tess. What was I supposed to do? Ignore your wishes? Force my presence on you even though you didn’t want it?”
She’d been so cold. Emotionless. Like I didn’t mean anything to her. Like I was dispensable. Extraneous.Insignificant.
She wasn’t emotionless now. She was staring at me as if my words had shocked her. When she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper. “I was so angry at you. I thought—I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me. It was all so much to deal with and…” Her lip trembled, and she sucked in an unsteady breath.
“I know.” I reached for her hand and was relieved when she didn’t pull away. “I know it was. I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t there for you. You have no idea.” She really hadn’t had any idea, had she? All this time I thought she’d rejected me, and she’d thought I abandoned her. What a goddamn mess.
“I really thought that was what you wanted.”
She probably had. Tess always thought she knew better than everyone else, which I couldn’t even blame her for, because most of the time she was right. It was one of the many completely aggravating things about her.
But when it came to me, she’d always assumed the worst. Yes, I’d fucked up and let her down a few times, but she only ever seemed to see my mistakes. I’d worked so hard to get her to give me a chance, but right when it felt like I’d finally started to earn her trust, she’d gotten pregnant and everything had gone to shit.
Now I was forever cemented in her mind as the asshole who’d fucked up her life. I could understand why she felt that way, but it still hurt every single goddamn time she let me know what a low opinion she had of me.
“I thought it was whatyouwanted,” I said despairingly.
Her face crumpled as her eyes welled with fresh tears. “I had no idea.”
I pulled her into my arms again. “You did what you thought you had to. You were just a scared kid. We both were.”
The way her arms wrapped around my waist felt significant. She might never fully forgive me, but the fact that she was holding on to me like this had to mean something. I wanted to believe it was her way of saying she regretted that things had gone bad between us.
I knew better than to expect anything would ever be simple or painless with the two of us, but it sure would be nice to think maybe she needed me a little after all.
CHAPTERSEVEN
TESS
I hated how good it felt to have Donal’s arms around me. I hated that he smelled so nice, and that I could feel muscles underneath his T-shirt. I hated that his hand was rubbing comforting circles on my back and I didn’t want him to stop. I hated that I liked it so much I couldn’t make myself let go of him.
I hated that I didn’t hate being close to him, and that I couldn’t properly hate him anymore.
I’d made a hobby out of hating Donal. Hating him had gotten me through a dark time in my life. I’d clung to my hate to keep me sane. For the last thirty years, I’d been lugging my hate around with me like a piece of battered old carry-on baggage with a glitchy wheel.
Was it possible I’d misinterpreted his intentions? Did I bear some of the blame for pushing him away? Would he really have stuck by me if I’d given him the chance?
I found it difficult to believe. But it was tempting to give Donal the benefit of the doubt when I was lying in his arms like this. The seductive power of his embrace had always clouded my judgment. It was how we’d gotten into this mess in the first place. It was impossible to think rationally with his warm body next to mine and his fingertips stroking gentle patterns over my back, inducing a dreamy sense of calm…
Maybe it would be best to let all those bad feelings go, once and for all. Wipe the slate clean and leave the past in the past where it belonged.
