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“Thank you.” Marie opened the pressure cooker, releasing a cloud of heavenly smelling steam, and glanced around the small galley kitchen with a grimace. “It’s really too small for us, but Matt loves it for some reason.”
“It’s comfortable,” he said, getting down bowls.
“Comfortable’s a stretch. It’sbarelybig enough for two, and it’ll definitely be too small if we have kids.”
“When,” Matt corrected, smiling at her. “Whenwe have kids.”
“We’ll see.” Marie patted his arm fondly as she stirred the curry.
Matt’s gaze wandered to me. “Do you have kids, Tess?”
I sensed he was hoping to find an ally, but I wasn’t in a position to be much help in that regard. “I’m actually not sure how to answer that question anymore.”
He frowned at my response, not so much unhappy as intrigued. “Explain.”
“Is it all right to tell him?” Marie asked me as she took the naan from the oven.
“Be my guest.” I’d assumed she already had. And if Erin was going to be a part of my life, I’d need to get used to people knowing the peculiar circumstances of our relationship.
While we took turns dishing up our own servings of rice and curry, Marie filled Matt in on my situation, with me jumping in to add details here and there. By the time we’d finished telling him all of it, we were seated around their small kitchen table.
Matt gave me an approving nod at the end of the story, gazing at me with something that looked like respect. “You did the right thing. You would have made terrible parents under those circumstances.”
Marie cut a frown at him. “Matt.”
“Am I being insensitive?” He blinked innocently at his wife, but the smile on his lips was unapologetically sassy. “Should I lie and pretend that two teenagers who were practically children themselves and had given up their college dreams to provide for a baby they never wanted would have been terrific parents? Would that be more appropriate?”
“You’ll have to excuse him,” Marie said to me. “His perspective on this particular subject is clouded by personal experience.”
“It’s all right.” I assured them, feeling a kinship with Matt and his bluntness. “I felt the same way—that’s why I chose to give the baby up.”
Matt lifted his chin, addressing Marie. “Relevant, firsthand experience isn’t a cloud. It’s a hot sunny day spent on top of a mountain, in Denver, where you can see for miles.”
She gave him an affectionate smile. “Anecdotal experience specific to you that’s not necessarily representative of everyone else’s experience.”
“Were you adopted?” I asked Matt.
“No, I was an accident whose parents didn’t want me, and I can tell you that no child is better off growing up like that.” He said it in a very matter-of-fact way, yet I guessed from his strong feelings on the subject that it must have affected him deeply.
“It happens I was an accident too. My parents felt obligated to get married, but my mother was miserable. She left when I was ten.”
His eyes met mine with a look of understanding. “There you go.”
Marie shook her head as she reached for her wine. “All I’m saying is you can’t claim to know what the right decision is for everyone. Every situation is different, every person is different, and there’s no universal right or wrong choice.”
“Sure there is,” Matt said. “The right choice is the one that allows children to grow up feeling wanted. If you don’t want to be a parent, it’s better to let your child be raised by someone who does.”
“It’d be nice if it could always be that simple, but it’s not.” Marie reached across the table and squeezed his hand. “You know from your work with foster children that surrendering a child doesn’t always lead to a happy outcome.”
“That was the hardest part,” I said. “When I gave my baby up, I had no idea where she’d be going or what kind of life she’d have. Even in open adoptions there are no guarantees, because you can never really know what kind of parents people will turn out to be. I’ve spent every day since Erin was born worried I’d made the wrong choice.”
Marie’s eyes were compassionate as she nodded at me. “The sad reality is that lots of children whose parents wanted them still have negative experiences in childhood. Wanting to be a parent doesn’t necessarily make you a good one.”
I lowered my gaze to the table before making the same confession I’d made to Erin. “I wanted to believe I was doing what was best for the baby, but I’ve always been afraid my choice was actually motivated by selfishness—that I really did it because I was unwilling to put my whole life on hold to raise a child.”
“The fact that you were so worried about it tells me you weren’t being selfish,” Matt countered softly.
“Does it?” Given his propensity for candor, I doubted he was saying it to be nice, but I still found it a difficult statement to accept.
