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That was the most terrifying part. Because everyone was alone in the world. It was a fact of life. Letting myself be fooled into thinking otherwise was dangerous.
People left, or lost interest, or stopped liking you altogether. The same traits they’d once found endearing about you eventually became the annoying habits that drove them away. Either that or they got so caught up in their own lives they stopped having time for you.
You couldn’t expect someone else to make your comfort a priority over theirs. The only person you could rely on in this world was yourself. Dependency was a trap that inevitably led to disappointment and weakness.
I wasn’t going to fall into that quicksand. Not me. I knew better, and I was stronger than that. No way was I sitting here in my apartment longing for Donal after a mere fourteen hours apart. That would be irrational and pathetic.
I didn’t need to see him every day. We didn’t even need to talk every day. We weren’t tied at the hip. We both had our own busy and fulfilling lives to live independent of each other.
It didn’t matter that I hadn’t heard from him all day. We could spend a night apart, for fuck’s sake. We could spendeverynight apart and I’d be just fine. I definitely wasn’t worrying that he’d already gotten tired of me. Four nights in a row should be enough for anyone. It made perfect sense that he needed a break.
The question was, why didn’tIneed a break?
You’d think after screwing like bunnies all weekend we’d have taken care of all that excess sexual tension. So why was I sitting here aching for him, my desire an incessant buzz under my skin? Why couldn’t I stop thinking about him? And why did the thought of him fill my chest with an odd warmth that hummed through my whole body and threatened to turn my muscles to jelly? I was way too old and cynical to be acting like the main character in a sappy rom-com, for Christ’s sake.
When my phone rang, I was ashamed to say I dove for it like a teenager. Only it wasn’t Donal calling me. It was Erin. Hard to be disappointed about that.
“Hi!” I answered, a little too bubbly and loud.
“Hey. It’s not too late to call, is it?”
“No, not at all. I’m just surprised. I was led to believe your generation didn’t like to talk on the phone.”
She laughed softly. “Most of us don’t, but I’ve never minded it. Sometimes it’s easier to talk out loud than trying to type long sentences with your thumbs, you know?”
“I do know, and I completely agree.”
“I guess that’s something else we have in common.”
“I guess so,” I said as my lips pulled into a smile.
“So the reason I’m calling is that I got to thinking after looking through those photo albums at Kathleen’s house. Seeing all those pictures of Donal and his sister and the rest of their family—actually recognizing the physical resemblances between myself and other people I was related to—I’ve never been able to experience that before.”
I rubbed my chest, trying to chase away the hollow sensation there. I was glad Erin was finally getting to make those kinds of connections. Feeling guilty she’d missed out on them for so long didn’t do anyone any good.
“Anyway,” she went on, “I was wondering if you had any family photo albums I could look at some time.”
“I do.” A small frog seemed to have lodged itself in my throat. “My mother wasn’t quite as organized about it as Kathleen, but I’ve got everything she had. You’re welcome to look at them if you like.”
“I’d love that,” she said. “Whenever’s convenient.”
“What about this weekend? I could make dinner.”
Despite my baking fiasco the other night, I was a halfway decent cook. I’d taken a cooking class last year after Sherry’s death in an attempt to keep busy and distract myself from my grief. Unfortunately, I’d ended up being the only single woman in a class full of couples, which had only made me feel even more alone in the world. But at least I’d learned how to make a serviceable chicken piccata.
“Does Saturday work?” she asked.
“Saturday’s perfect.”
“I can’t wait,” she said, sounding excited enough to mean it. “If you want, I could borrow my old baby album from my mom—unless that would be weird for you? I don’t know, maybe you’d rather not—”
“I’d love to see it.”
“Okay.” I heard her let out a breath. “In that case, I’ll bring it with me.”
I squeezed the phone. “Would it be all right if I invited Donal to join us? I’m sure he’d love to see your baby pictures too.”
“Of course! As long as…” She hesitated. “You don’t have to spend time together for my benefit if it’s uncomfortable for you.”
