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“It’s true,” I agreed, keeping my voice pleasant and light, carefully pitching it to sound believable. “It’s exactly like she said. We’re only friends.” My smile didn’t falter as I swiveled my head to meet Tess’s gaze. “Nothing more.”
Fuck it. Fuck it all.
CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE
TESS
Donal was upset with me. He was doing a damned good job of hiding it in front of Erin, but I could tell. His posture was a little too rigid, his smile a touch too wide, and his eyes oddly glassy. I could feel him withdrawing from me and putting up defenses. Hiding his feelings behind that damned smile.
I desperately wanted to tell him I hadn’t meant what I’d said, to explain that I’d only done it to protect Erin. But I couldn’t very well say any of that in front of her.
At least she didn’t seem to have noticed anything wrong. She’d bought our story. Or she’d chosen to pretend she had, anyway.
The conversation moved on from that uncomfortable, emotionally fraught moment, and the three of us sat down to dinner like everything was fine. Donal and Erin generously complimented the food, but all I could taste was acid. Donal was back to making jokes as usual, laughing and generally being the life of the party, but it all rang hollow. I couldn’t help noticing the way he avoided even inadvertent physical contact and that he never looked directly at me.
A terrible, doomed feeling lodged itself in my chest. The more Donal smiled that too-wide smile, the one that made me feel cold instead of warm, the bigger the bad feeling grew, until my chest hurt so much I could barely breathe around it.
I’d done the right thing, hadn’t I? Enforcing boundaries in front of Erin. Keeping this thing happening between Donal and me separate from the relationship we were trying to build with her.
This was all getting too messy and complicated. I didn’t like mess or complications. I preferred to keep things compartmentalized. Everything in its proper place.
Whatever was going on with me and Donal was too new—too fragile and volatile—to risk bringing Erin into it yet.
Not until we were on firmer ground and there was less risk of disappointing her. Not when my feelings for Donal were too chaotic to make any sort of sense.
He made an impressive show of keeping up the charade for the rest of the evening. If I hadn’t known better, I would have called the whole night a sparkling success. But he left before Erin, making an excuse about some work he needed to do. On a Saturday night. It was so obviously a lie. He wanted to get away from me. He was making sure he wouldn’t have to be alone with me after Erin went home.
He held himself stiffly away from me as I walked him to the door. Thanked me for dinner without meeting my eye.
“You don’t have to go,” I whispered desperately.
His mouth tightened into a thin line. “Yes I do.”
When he leaned in to kiss my cheek, it was brisk and offhand, and I knew he was only doing it because Erin was watching. My hand curled possessively in the front of his shirt as the familiar, warm smell of him engulfed me for a too-brief moment before he stepped back. My hand fell uselessly away, unable to hold on to him.
“I’ll call you in a little bit, okay?” My eyes burned with an unspoken apology.
“Don’t bother,” he said in a low, flat voice. Then, in a tone pitched loud enough for Erin to overhear, he bid me a fake, cheerful good night.
When he turned his back and walked out the door, I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.
Only it was Donal who’d been punched in the stomach tonight.
By me.
* * *
I needed to fix this. If I could just explain, then he’d understand why I’d done it.
Only Donal wasn’t answering his phone. Or returning my calls. It was impossible to explain anything when he wouldn’t talk to me.
My stomach churned with guilt. Even though I’d thought I was doing the right thing, I felt as if I’d betrayed him. When I looked at it from his perspective, I guess I had. By denying our relationship, I’d made him think I was ashamed of him. I remembered the way I felt when he’d done the same to me in high school, and it killed me to think I’d made him feel like that tonight.
I’d only been trying to protect Erin, but by doing so I’d ended up hurting Donal. The irony was, I was pretty sure I’d given the game away with Erin anyway. After Donal had left, she’d given me a shrewd look and asked if everything was okay. I doubted she’d believed my empty reassurances. She’d left soon after, giving me a tight hug on her way out the door and telling me to call her if I wanted to talk.
So yeah. She definitely knew something was off. Which meant I’d hurt Donal for nothing.
I tried calling him again, but it went straight to voicemail once more. Guess I’d have to do this over text.
