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It’s strange how sometimes someone else could explain your own feelings better than yourself.
I nodded lightly at Joe. “That doesn’t mean I ever stopped missing him.”
“I know. Why else would you be carrying that toy in your handbag everywhere you go?”
“No, I’m not.” I picked up Affogato, the toy coffee cup sitting on my desk.
“Well, not since you put it there on the desk just this morning, no, you’re not anymore.”
He was right again. That toy was the one physical reminder I had left of Sam. And I just couldn’t stop hugging that toy to my chest.
Joe watched me with scrupulous attention. “You’re madly in love with Sam, aren’t you?”
I set my elbows on the table, closing my arms around Affogato, and buried my head over my crossed arms. “It doesn’t matter now. I fucked up my chance.”
“Why would you say that?”
“He said he loved me.” I whispered without showing my face.
“That doesn’t fuck up your chances at all.”
I peeked at Joe from behind the crook of my arm. It only took him a second to understand the frown and the shame plainly displayed on my face.
“Oh, right. Now I get it. You didn’t declare your love back.”
I raised my head just enough to look at the laptop screen. The business proposal document was still on full screen. “Sam and I got a different life. Hell, not even our individual bucket lists are aligned. Actually, mine barely exists at all. Just some random shit I wrote, like learn dancing. Probably should learn to walk through this life first before dancing, right? The one sure thing I should put on my bucket list was to create an actual bucket list. It’s like I’m at this point in my life where I’m living in limbo. I’ve got no job, no certain future, not even a fixed home address. All I got are these nineteen pages.” My hand reached out to shut down the laptop lid a little too aggressively. “But Sam, he’s got everything down already.”
“Except he doesn’t have a partner to share everything he has with. And you want that too. Youneedthat too.”
“I guess I do.”
Joe’s hand came onto my shoulder and pushed me back on my seat. Swivelled my chair to face him.“Then why are you sitting here, cursing your life when you could tick one off your bucket list, face your fear of flying and go chase him? Why aren’t you picking up your phone and calling him to tell him how miserable you are without him?”
“Because… Because I’m scared. Scared that he would letmego now.” I stole Joe’s phone from his hand. Unlocked the screen and swiped vigorously until I found the photo of Sam with his whole family. “How could I possibly compete with that? How could I ever make him as happy as that? Look at him. Did you ever see him smile like that? Cause I never did. What he has now, without me, that’s what makes him happy. They bring out his biggest smiles. I’ll simply be just hindering that for him. And for what? Because he said he loved me before he got all his family back? What if he doesn’t want me to be a part of that? And it’s not just about him. It’s me too. I forgot what it’s like to have a family. What if I don’t fit in with that one big, happy family? What if I never have that? Oh, Joe. I’m scared. I don’t want to be alone.”
The second Joe pulled me into the comfort of his arms, I expected the panic attack to hit and the tears to rush down my cheeks. They didn’t. Instead, a smile played on my lips. A smile at the realization of one big thing that had been on my bucket list for too long.
I don’t want to be alone. That’s what I wanted the most.
No, I didn’t want this loneliness to last forever. I wanted the opposite. The loud noise and the madness of a full house. The busy lifestyle of juggling office hours and caring for a home. I wanted a home. A real one. I wanted a family. I’ve wanted that since I lost my dad. For years, Joe was my family and I was his. And in so many complicated ways, Sam was a part of that small family. Without him, that family wasn’t the same.
“He’ll be back, Lucy. Now I don’t know when, but you have until then to decide on how to win him back.”
I looked down at Affogato and peeked at Sam’s words on the tag.
To my sunshine… Yours, Sam.
My Sam.
* * *
Chapter Twenty-Five
“Ms Lucy Monroe.”
Untangling my arm from Joe’s, I turned around to greet Zimmerman. “Hello, Rolf.”
“Wow, Ms Lucy,” Rolf took my hand and kissed it like I was royalty. “What a sight for sore eyes you are tonight. You might just steal the limelight from me and my hotel in that dress.”
