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But it’s okay. I deserved to feel this shitty. Because it was my fault. Because I kissed Sam first. It’s alright to feel guilt. To feel blame. I deserved that. Even if it wasn’t me who stole another kiss on another day. After that night, Sam shouldn’t have kissed me again. He shouldn’t have backed me to a wall - literally backed to that public toilet wall. Still, that second night was my mistake too. Blame that on me too. I shouldn’t have melted in his arms. I sure did.
Suddenly I began to hear my heartbeat thumping in my eardrum. The veins in my neck pulsated onto my skin. My heart was aching as if clenched in a tight metal vice. Was this what heartbreak felt like?
“Congratulations, boys. You just found another reason to hate each other. You hurt the same woman you both claimed to care about.”
I reached across the table to quickly collect my devices before I bolted to the door.
The two men hadn’t even flinched or tried to stop me. They just watched. There wasn’t much else to say, was there?
Wasting no seconds, I rushed to my office and packed up my things. I dashed out again a minute later with my bag and went straight for the stairs. I needed out of this building now and I couldn’t possibly endure waiting for the elevator. The longer I stayed here, the more suffocated I felt.
I didn’t care who looked at me like a crazy person. I didn’t care who called my name as I ran past them. I just didn’t stop running out of the front door until I reached my car and locked myself inside.
Sitting there in deafening silence, the desperate tears and cries poured out of me in a flash. I couldn’t stop myself. I daren’t to. I need to let this out.
But no matter how long I spent there crying, the one thing that came out was the truth.
That I was now, once again, all alone.
* * *
Chapter Sixteen
I couldn’t remember the last time I took a week off from work.
After that very explosive meeting with Sam and Joe, I drove straight home. The tears had not subsided for hours. I had plopped on the sofa and slept there before the sun was down past the horizon. And when I woke up at two in the morning, I found a hundred notifications on my phone. I had purposely set the phone on mute to bar myself from everything and everyone. But with my eyes wide open again, I was hit with the thirty emails I missed from leaving work early. I also found one missed call from Joe. And then there were Sam’s notifications - six text messages and eighteen missed calls, with the last one being from around midnight. With one touch on the clear-all button, I ignored every single notification. I couldn’t deal with anything. I was sure of that. Just as I was certain of the decision I took next.
I clicked on the messaging app and clicked on a new message without even peeking at the unread ones there.
Taking a few days off.
I sent it to Sam without much hesitation. He’d find the message when he woke up in a few hours. Or maybe not. When my phone binged the receipt of a new text just a minute later, I had no doubt of the sender.
Ok.
That was Sam’s simply reply. He must have gotten my real message behind the message and the ignored texts. The text I sent was for my boss Mr Webb, but it was Sam who would understand it. I wasn’t just notifying of taking a break from work but also from him.
I took days off until the following Monday. Not because I didn’t want to extend my long overdue vacation days. But because I had a day packed with important meetings with clients. Despite my personal crisis, I couldn’t shut down the workaholic part of me.
At seven o’clock on Monday, I was already at my desk. I had purposely gone in early, earlier than Sam usually came in, and I locked myself in my office. I had a lot of catching up to do. Just the perfect opportunity I needed – to consume in work for the next three hours before the first meeting.
When my calendar binged the notification of that dreadful meeting, my heart began to beat a little faster than the norm. I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t even prepared to get out of the comfort of hiding in my office.
I called reception to check if the conference room was available. Phew! The other meeting that had been scheduled there until ten-thirty had been cancelled. Lucky bet.
Clicking on the calendar appointment of my ten o’clock meeting, I quickly typed a new location. A single click on the save button and all the invitees were notified that the meeting will not take place in Sam’s office. The conference room was a much more suitable space for us to be in one room anyhow. Sam’s small six-seater table wouldn’t offer enough distance between me and Sam and Joe and our guest Zimmerman.
Taking a deep breath at nine-fifty, I picked up my laptop and the manila file with printed artwork for Zimmerman that were missing Sam’s final seal of approval. Joe had sent his approval via email but Sam didn’t. Surely he did it on purpose – to back me in a corner and leave me no choice but to speak to him in person before the meeting. He knew I wouldn’t ever proceed with anything without his full approval.
So I raised my chin and gathered all my strength to display my best confidence as I walked the short distance to his office. I knocked and waited.
With my heavy heartbeat pounding in my ears, it was like the knocks on his door were in echo. But I did hear Sam’s faint ‘come in’ as clear as day.
As soon as I opened the door, my eyes found Sam at once. He was standing next to the coat hanger putting on his suit jacket. After nine days of not seeing him, it was like seeing Sam for the first time. My anger towards this man had blurred out the memory of how handsome he looked in a suit.
As soon as his gaze fell on me, his lips widened into the most beautiful smile. A genuine smile. One that slowed my heartbeat enough to skip a beat or two.
“Hey.” Sam greeted me.
