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“Have you had a chance to review the minor adjustments I’ve made?”
Sam’s face dropped a little. He must have realized I wasn’t up to talking about anything else but work.
Obliging me back with formality, Sam buttoned his jacket, making him look like the authoritative boss he was. “Yes, I did. That final logo design is brilliant. I’m sure Zimmerman will be going for that one. Even Joe is convinced he would. He approves too, if you can believe that.”
“Yes, I can believe that because Joe sent me his approval. You didn’t.”
“I didn’t?” Sam looked confused. Went to his desk and tapped at his laptop. “Oh, shit. I left the email in my drafts. Sending it now.”
The phone in my hands binged the arrival of his email. My curiosity got the best of me and I quickly opened the notification. It was a very long paragraph of highly positive feedback. Definitely not something he wrote now. So he really did just forget to send it. It wasn’t an intentional snub at me?
“You thought I was ignoring you?”
Sam’s voice repeating the same thought in my head made me look up from my phone. I hadn’t noticed that Sam had come around his desk and was now leaning back to it and looking at me.
“How could I ignore you, Lucille, when you were a constant presence in every single one of my thoughts? Just because I stopped calling you or texting you or ‘cause I didn’t come knocking on your door at midnight doesn’t mean it’s not what I wished to do.”
I looked down at my feet as a gulp formed in my throat. I couldn’t bear looking any longer at his wrinkled face sheered with gloom. My fragile poise was threatening to falter.
“Lucille, about the other day –”
“This is for you.” I interrupted quickly by handing him the envelope that had been burning my fingers since I picked it up on my way out of my office earlier.
Sam accepted the envelope politely. The second my fingers let go of that paper, I went for the door. My pace quickened down the corridors as a tear trickled down my cheek. I hadn’t any more strength left to hold on to my composure. There’s no need anymore. I’ve done what I had to do and I didn’t want to wait for his reaction to it.
Hurried footsteps began to tail me. I was at least two corners ahead yet I knew it was him. Then he called my name and I knew he was closing in on me. And just as I arrived the conference room and reached for the doorknob, Sam caught my forearm and swivelled me around in one swift move.
“Lucille.”
Never had I seen Sam with a more hardened expression than what he wore now. His jaw was set tight enough that he could crack his teeth. His face was so close to mine that I could feel every heavy breath he exhaled tickling over my skin. And his eyes, oh gosh, his eyes were so narrow with what I could decipher as anger. But that only lasted for a second. Only until they focused on mine. Then his eyes were masked of any emotion.
And then his gaze shifted over my head to look through the glass walls of the conference room where Joe and Zimmerman were staring at us with complete flabbergast. How could they not? They could probably see my tears and Sam’s tight clutch on me. Of course they’d be confused as to what they were witnessing.
Sam must have come to his senses because he released his hold of me and backed a step away.
I took up the opportunity to go inside the conference room. Ignoring the men’s stares, I made a beeline to our usual side of the table. This time, I took a seat further up from where I knew Sam usually sat. A childish move, I know, but I needed the space from him.
It must have been thirty seconds later that Sam came into the room. Probably needed the time to put on his unbreakable boss mask back on because his posture was all straight, calm and collected and his face was all stoic. It was as if nothing had just happened.
As he approached, I knew Sam had noticed my empty chair. He simply took his usual seat and without hesitation, he pulled back my former vacant chair and pushed it away to the back of the room. He didn’t look at me or speak or move his own chair but his action was a silent message. I knew it was. It wasn’t just a façade of union for our client. It was to show that no distance would divide me from him.
Luckily, Zimmerman had noticed the animosity and skipped any pleasantries before beginning to talk about his project straightaway.
I switched on my laptop and focused on its screen instead of the meeting per se. I allowed Joe to take over. Not that he had a choice anyhow. Sam hadn’t uttered a single word either so it was all up to him.
While Joe conversed with Zimmerman, our side of the table was silent. I caught Sam stealing glances at me a dozen times. Sometimes, Joe peeked at us for half a second. As did Zimmerman.
Oh, how much had changed since the last time I was in this room.
Since that day, I have embraced my loneliness. I had even gone to the shore by myself. There, walking on the warm sand and looking at the house with the blue windows, I remembered how I dreamed my life would be the last time I was there alone. Back eight years ago, right after my dad died.
I realized that the second biggest thing I had wanted back then, I never went on to pursue it. Since I went headfirst into my career and settled into a life with Joe beside me, I stopped fantasizing about moving to the city. It’s like I had given up on that dream. The city would have meant starting over. And now that the two persons I had counted as part of my life had betrayed me, it just might be exactly what I needed to heal.
For two days since the reveal of Sam and Joe’s duplicities, I cried endlessly. The pain hurt more than the most significant tragedy in my life – the loss of my father. Maybe because back then, I was prepared for dad’s death. But for this kind of heartache, nothing could have prepared me. Ever. The hurt made me doubt that I was incapable of caring of myself. Made me believe I wasn’t worthy enough. Made me panic about my lack of vision for my future. But most of all, it made me remember how I got through misfortune in the past.
Dad’s words echoed in my head.
Be brave, angel.
