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I remembered the old saucepan my grandmother used to make the tea-flavored simple syrup for real Southern sweet tea. It sat on her stove, stained brown from years of boiling water, sugar, and tea bags.
What the hell. “Sweet.”
Dressed in my robe,I walked in a daze from the bathroom across the narrow hallway to my room. My skin was pink from the hot water as I had tried to blast through the fog in my head. The interview was still on my mind.
Jessica asked me about my dream job. I told her being a personal chef was always my goal, not a steppingstone, because of the flexibility and it allowed me to know the people I cooked for. But talking about it with her, it didn’t feel right. Then, the truth hit me.
I didn’t want to just cook for a family. I wanted to cook formyfamily. I’d assumed for so long that a husband and family weren’t in the cards for me. But pictures of my future had always included images of me cooking with eager and smiling faces around a dinner table, my dinner table. My dream wasn’t just about being a chef, so I could love others with food. It was about loving and being loved back. The image of Lucas flashed in my brain.
Making it on my own had been a safer dream than love. That high school girl feared she’d never have it, so she put all her energy and dreams into something else, standing on her own. Leaning on no one. But my heart pursued love anyway.
God, I’d been afraid for so long that I no longer recognized it. Afraid to take risks. Afraid to show my nakedness. Afraid to let myself want. Afraid of disappointing my parents. Afraid I’d never make the team.
It was easier to pretend I didn’t want the team. Love couldn’t reject me if I rejected it first. I twisted the story to make it look like I was brave, insisting I make each new start all on my own, but I was simply afraid of needing someone else.
Until Lucas broke down that wall.
I closed my bedroom door and glanced in the mirror, tucked away by the side, like in my Perry Harbor apartment, to prevent accidental body sightings. I stood and let the robe drop.
This time, I looked, trying to see what Lucas saw. I closed my eyes and remembered his touch, the sincerity in his eyes, his woodsy scent, and the warmth of his breath. He was so beautiful as he looked at me and tried to make me see my own beauty.
He loved me. It was obvious that day, but I was too afraid to believe it. And then he left, reinforcing my fear. And then I left.
My heartbeat thundered. I had to go back. I had to try. He was the key to my dream. I was going back to Seattle, and I was going to try. I was still afraid, but he loved me, and I loved him. If that wasn’t worth risking it all for, I didn’t know what was. I needed a new plan and a new job.
I took a big breath of air and willed my heart to slow its rhythm. I could do this. I still had some fight left, and I knew a prince worth fighting for.
I glanced at my phone. The little red dot showed I missed a few calls. I dialed the new number.
“Hello.”
“Jessica, it’s Jo. Do you have a minute?”
“What’s up, Sammy girl?”Sipping iced tea, my dad sat on the front porch in one of the rocking chairs he and Mom splurged on at the Cracker Barrel Country Store a few years ago. I sat on the nearby porch swing and looked out at the big front yard. The lightning bugs danced in the still evening air, the crickets sang, and the lonely sound of a whippoorwill called from the huge old oak near the woods. This was my favorite time of night.
“She offered me the job,” I said.
“That’s wonderful. Congratulations,” Dad said.
“I turned it down.”
“Oh, why’s that? You said she was great.”
“She is great. It’s a great job, a dream job, but the job’s here. My dream’s in Seattle.”
“What do you mean?”
I shook my head. I wasn’t having this conversation with my dad. We were close, but there had always been limits. Boys and love lives were it.
“Nothing. I like it there, and I should have stayed. Tried harder. I’m going back and try again.”
“Back to Perry Harbor?”
“Nah, Seattle. Jessica’s husband knows some musicians in the city. She thought at least one may be looking around for help this summer. Now that I have a reliable car, I can live farther out, where it’s cheaper. I’ll figure something out.”
“How about some help?”
“Thanks, Dad, but you guys don’t have a lot to spare.”
