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But there is one downfall. I can’t afford it yet. I have some money saved, but not a lot. I also have savings from my dad’s will and from Drew, his wealth enough to take care of all of us. But I still want to work for my money. I want to make my own and pay for my own things. Relying on others isn’t something I like to do. So the first step is working my ass off to get what I want. But I need more time which means heading back to Jersey for the summer. I’d rather stay here, find a good-paying job and bust my ass working all summer, but there’s nowhere for me to live. Once school ends, the dorms close for the summer, leaving us with only a few days to pack up and go.
That leaves me out of a place.
But it’s worth it to save up for next year. I just hope Madison will want to. She complains about dorm life all the time, but maybe she simply can’t afford it? We’ll see. In the meantime, I can live at home rent free, bust my ass at some job, preferably one with overtime, and move into my own place in Sierra Cove with Madison in the fall.
Now, if only my mother doesn’t drive me insane. The thought of moving back makes me shudder.
Drew claims she’s gotten more promiscuous since I left, apparently having multiple partners and moving through relationships at warp speed.
She needs to deal with Dad’s death. Sooner rather than later. We’ve all had to. We all needed to say our goodbyes. Doesn’t she realize how sad Drew and I are, too? Why can’t we share our pain together as a family instead of each of us bearing it on our own? It makes little sense to me.
Why is life so damn complicated?
Not only will I be dealing with my mother, but there’s another huge risk to being back in town.
Running in to Tyler.
It’s not like we live in a huge city where the chances of seeing each other are slim to none, but it’s small enough where we could bump into each other at the gas station or see each other from a distance at the grocery store.
We haven’t spoken in months, not since the night at the beach party. Here it is, almost May, and I have no idea how he’s doing. I have to force myself not to look him up on social media every night. It’s so fucking hard, the ache inside me screaming at me to just look. One tiny look, one tiny little fix to feel better. But it’s not worth it. I need to keep moving forward. Not to mention, I feel like crap for the way I treated him. Instead of just confronting everything, I turn a blind eye, run away, and hope it’ll simply disappear.
But life doesn’t work that way. So here I am, wanting to run away and not deal even though I know it won’t help. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right?
Yeah, seems to be the definition of me lately.
It’s plain as day that seeing him only pulls me right back in. Yet walking away and ignoring him doesn’t make him disappear, either.
I just need to stay away in the first place. Leave things how they are. Our wounds are like cuts with the scabs still on, almost healed but not quite there yet. One wrong move and it’s ripped off, starting the healing process all over.
Guess I’ll be hiding out in my room or at work, praying I don’t happen to run into him. Shit. What I need to do is find a job out of town.
Because the less chance of seeing him, the better. Way better.
* * *
“I can’t believe there are only a few more days left!” Madison says as she spins around our dorm room. Most of our stuff is already packed. The last day of finals is tomorrow, and then there are six whole days to pack up and get out. Of course, mostly everyone plans to be out way before the six days are up.
I, on the other hand, plan on staying until the very last day. Okay, maybe not the very last day. I kind of have a fear of being locked in here, but that’s beside the point. I’m in no rush to get home. I wish I was as excited as Mads, but instead, I push out my smile, hating the fakeness behind it.
Madison instantly catches it and frowns. Never can put anything past her, that’s for sure. “What’s wrong, Lo?”
“Just not looking forward to summer, that’s all.”
“It’s a break from grueling classes. Aren’t you excited not to study?”
“Well, yeah, all of that is awesome. I just don’t want to go home. I really like it here.”
Madison walks over to my bed and sits down next to me. “I wish we could stay together for the summer too. Going back home to live for the summer sucks after enjoying all the freedom living on your own brings.”
“Right? It’s like going backward.”
“I’ve actually been wanting to ask you something.”
“I’ve been wanting to ask you something too.”
We grin at each other. “Let’s say it at the same time.” Mads smiles.
“Okay,” I answer. “One, two, three.”
