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Bringing my fist up to the door, I knock and step back.
Footsteps grow closer as the butterflies dance wildly in my stomach, growing more frantic with every passing second.
The door opens a moment later, a middle-aged woman answering the door. “Can I help you?”
Liz radiates off her in every direction. An older version of her, as if I’m seeing into the future.
The woman squints and falters. She gasps and steps back as though in shock. “Cole? Cole Dolan?”
I nod, bracing myself for the slam of the door in my face, but I’m pleasantly surprised. Not only does she not slam the door, but she opens it wide and waves me inside. “Come in.”
Following her through the door, she takes me into her living room, offering me a seat on her couch. “Can I get you a drink or anything?”
I shake my head and take in the pictures on the walls. Liz as a baby, as a toddler, and older, her gorgeous smile timeless.
Liz’s mother sits across from me.
We don’t say anything, the silence drifting between us, almost deafening.
Say something. Anything.
With a deep breath, I blurt, “I’m sorry.”
I watch her face fall, her fingers wringing together in her lap. She waits for me to continue as if she’s telling me it’s okay to continue.
“I tried to save her, to help her. So many times. I … I had no idea she would kill herself when I broke things off.” I choke back the last word, my emotions starting to well up inside.
“Oh, Cole.” She comes over and sits next to me, patting my arm softly. “It’s no one’s fault. Please don’t blame yourself. Liz … she was … she needed a lot of help. We all tried.”
“I know, but I wish I could’ve done something. Been there, helped her, whatever. Just something. I feel like I failed her. She’s dead because of me.”
“No, you have to stop blaming yourself. It’s not your fault, and it’s been long enough. Move on, let yourself live. It’s what Liz would’ve wanted. Believe me.”
She’s right. She’s absolutely right. I have to live for Liz and not wallow in my sadness.
“There was a lot more to Liz than what people saw or what she showed them. But you, Cole, you lit her up unlike anyone else. I’m so happy she spent her last couple of years alive with you.”
Her words are like a balm on my aching soul. It soothes and pushes away the negative thoughts always popping up and weaving their way inside.
“We never once thought you were the reason. If anything, we knew you would’ve done anything you could’ve to stop it.” Tears splash down her cheeks, and my own prick my eyes.
It’s been over five years, but it still feels like yesterday.
Hearing that news … wishing it wasn’t true. It felt like my heart had been split open and torn apart.
After chatting for a bit, Liz’s father joins us. We reminisce about Liz, her funny pictures, and her sweet notes.
This afternoon turned out to be exactly what I needed. A healing of sorts. For all of us.
Now if I could only fix another part of my life.
I’ve come to realize I’m head over heels in love with Addi Rayon.
She may not want me any longer, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try. I feel empty without her, like a huge chunk of me is missing. I want her back in my life.
Whatever way I can have her, I want her.
And I’ll do whatever it takes to win her back.
