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She's sad and she's worried. I look like a mess and I've lost so much weight, I don't recognize myself.
My long thick tresses hang limp and greasy, and I'm sure the bags under my eyes aren't pretty. I shrug as I watch Abbie run back to the car.
"Coast really is clear! No sign of her." Abbie reaches in and takes my hand. I breathe a sigh of relief. It's only a matter of time before she's here, but for now, I can relax.
As much as my mind will let me.
~K~
Ethan's conditionhasn't made much progress. The doctors saw some brain activity and a few finger and toe twitches. We hope he'll wake soon. My mother and father haven't left and Jane went home to recoup for a few days before coming back out with me.
I haven't told her about Emma and the miscarriage. I can't wrap my head around it, never mind be able to talk about it.
I had no idea she was pregnant. How long did she know for? A long time without telling me? Did she think she couldn't tell me?
God, everything is too much lately.
I want to run. Clear across the world and forget all of my problems.
My mother didn't ask questions when I told her I had to go. She knows a friend had an emergency and she was good with that.
Now, we are back to sitting around Ethan's bedside. How many hospital bedsides will I be next to before I find myself in my own? The stress and emotional turmoil boiling inside me is ready to explode.
I stand, unable to bear the silence any longer. I pace back and forth as Jane watches me. I need to get out of here.
"I'll... I'll be back." I don't look back, unable to see anymore sadness.
Once I'm out in the dry, Arizona heat, I get in my rental car and I drive.
And drive.
And drive.
Until I hit the end of the road and slowly have to make my way back.
~E~
I toss and turn,sweat dripping down my back, my tank top clinging to clammy skin. Sleep doesn't come easy and I drift in and out, flashes of the week's past events playing on repeat.
I lost the baby because I didn't want it.
I lost the baby because I broke the rules. The rules I was supposed to follow and never break. I'm being punished. Karma's a bitch they say.
I fist the sheets and scream as loudly as I can. I scream until I can't hear my thoughts anymore.
And then I cry. Until I fall into an exhausted sleep.
* * *
Days pass.I go to work, listen to my clients, and then I go home and check out of reality by reading or binge watching Netflix.
Knox is still gone, though he texts me here and there to ask how I'm doing. I don't reply. It hurts too much. I know he needs to be with his family and I respect that. But, the sadness that consumes me is lonely and miserable.
I can't keep bogging down Sarah and Abbie, though they stop by and check on me often. My mom and sister seem to have disappeared.
No words of comfort, no asking how I am.
I know I wasn't pregnant for long. I know I didn't want the baby, didn't know what I would've done.
