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But I still suffered a loss. A loss that's left a hole in my heart.
I do know I would've loved that child unconditionally and I would've made things work. No matter what it took.
Pain and sadness is lonely.
I've never felt more alone in my life.
~K~
"He's awake! He's awake!"My mother runs into the hospital cafeteria, a huge grin on her face.
Jane and I look up from our cold coffee, her warm smile breaking some of our icy shells.
"Really?" Jane and I stand.
"Yes! He's asking for you two." Our mother pulls both into a hug, her happiness spreading through.
When she pulls back, tears spill down. She cups our cheeks. "Thank you so much for being here. Through all of this. You have no idea how much it means to me."
Up in the room, Ethan is sitting up, drinking from a straw. He waves and we rush around him.
"I'm so glad you're awake, Ethan." Jane squeezes his hand before gently hugging him.
I pat his shoulder. "Good to see you again, bro."
Ethan smiles and settles back against his pillows. His eyes dart around at the four of us. Out of nowhere, tears leak from the corner of his eyes.
My mother sobs hard as she hugs him again, clinging to his hospital johnnie.
"I’m... so... sorry..." Ethan chokes out. "I... need... help..."
A sense of relief washes over me. Maybe this will be the last time.
It's the first time he's ever admitted he needed help.
I squeeze his hand. "I'll get you the help you need, even if you won't listen to me a few days or weeks from now. I promise you that."
And I do. I promise to make sure he gets the help he needs. No matter what it takes. He can hate me, but in the long run, he'll thank me.
I step back and sit in the chair next to the bed, letting the rest of them fuss over him. I'll get my time with him later.
My eyes drift close and Emma fills my mind. My heart aches to see her, to make sure she's okay. A strong need to touch her overtakes me, and my chest is heavy, my stomach twisting in a knot.
I don't feel whole without her. Knowing she's alone and hurting pains me. I need to make my way back to her. We need to heal together. To overcome this loss.
Even though I never knew, I still feel a punch to the gut.
We had a baby together. And we lost it. All in the blink of an eye.
My heart races at the thought of children with Emma.
Do I want her? Is my heart telling me the truth? Do I honestly love her?
I squeeze the arms of the chair. I just don't fucking know.
