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A horrible loss had to occur before it would all finally make sense...
Love shouldn't be this way. It shouldn't be filled with hate and judgement.
It should be filled with acceptance and kindness. Happiness and gratitude. Loyalty and respect.
It shouldn't be like how my mother's love is. Cold and calculating. Hostile and manipulative.
She's brainwashed me for long enough. No more. I've had enough. I'm breaking free.
If she can't accept who I love from now on, then she doesn't deserve a part in my life. She'll be sad one day when she realizes she's lost me for good. Same with Melissa. My father on the other hand... he'll always have a relationship with me if he wants to. I know he needs to break free, too. I hope one day he will.
Sitting up on the couch, I throw the blankets off. I stand and pace the living room, needing to get the nervous energy out.
I don't know where it came from but I feel lighter, happier. A tiny bit, a small sliver of something.
If only Knox would come to me...
I shake out my hands and head to the kitchen.
Does he even deserve another chance? Should I let him?
Yes! You love him!
No! You don't love him! You’re in love with the idea of him... what he gives you... the sex, the security, the friendship...
I open the fridge and look for the lunch meat. My belly rumbles as my mind swirls.
What if he doesn't want me anymore?
Maybe the whole pregnancy thing scared him off...?
I grab what I need and slam the fridge shut.
I sigh as I layer the meat and cheese.
I just don't fucking know.
~K~
I throwthe covers off and stand in a huff, my entire body glistening with sweat. I don't think I've slept longer than fifteen minutes tonight.
Making my way to the bathroom, I strip off my tank top and boxer briefs. I turn the water on lukewarm and I wait for it to reach the right temperature. I lean against the counter and hang my head.
My mind won't rest. A constant battle rumbles inside and won't shut the hell up.
Call Emma. She needs you. More than you need her. Do it for her.
No! Don't go there again. You went too far last time and you can't do that to her again.
How do you even know she still wants you, you cocky ass?
I should've held on to her when I could...
Is it a risk worth taking? Is SHE a risk worth taking?
I've never met anyone like her. She's gorgeous, funny, amazing in bed, sweet, caring... God, is there anything she isn't?
Sure she can be shy and sometimes competitive or defensive... but I don't care. The thought of another woman makes my skin crawl.
