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~K~
"Knox, man, how you doing?"Jim slides a beer my way before taking a sip of his own.
"Hanging in there." I shrug, and take a long pull from my beer. I got back in town last night. Since Ethan is awake and doing well, my parents are checking him back into the sober home. They decided to stay another week, maybe more, until Ethan is settled and doing well.
Jane and I caught the last flight out and I worked from home today. I'm exhausted, to say the least. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm thankful tomorrow is Saturday so I can rest before playing catch up on Sunday.
"How's Ethan?" Ron digs into the salsa and chips on the table. We're eating at a local Mexican place; their homemade salsa is unbelievable.
I sigh and my shoulders sag as I reach for a chip. "Better. A long road is ahead of him, though. It won't be easy."
"I can only imagine." Jim pops a chip into his mouth. "Addiction is hard on everyone. I already talk to my kids about drugs. Never too early, I say."
"It's good to teach awareness. Sometimes, it happens anyway." I sip my beer as I remember Ethan. So happy and fun-loving. I never thought he would've gone down this hard road.
"You're right. My kids knew about them before I talked to them. I'm sure other kids say shit in school." Jim spoons more salsa on his plate before grabbing another handful of chips. "Any more news on Sharon?"
I shake my head. "Nope. I hope I never see her again."
"What about Emma?" Jim crunches on a chip, throwing out the question like he didn't just drop a bomb.
What about her? I can't stop thinking about her? She infiltrates every waking thought. I don't know if I want to go find her or if I want to run far away.
I haven't told a soul about the miscarriage except for Jane.
I broke down on the flight, my emotions rushing forth like a broken pipe bursting with water.
Jane and I shed tears for what could've been. She whispered words to me I'll never forget, in our moment of sadness, our world bleak and dark. "Knox, you need to go to her. She's hurting, I know first-hand she is. You know my miscarriage killed me... don't let hers kill her."
I remember her breaking down. She'd been much further along, almost ten weeks when she suddenly lost the baby. It took her a while to get past it, and I know it's a huge reason in her break up with Andy.
"I don't know, really... I'm confused as fuck." I look away, uncomfortable with the conversation. I haven't figured shit out in my own head, how can I tell them?
"Listen to both your heart and your head. You'll figure it out, Knox. You've got a lot of lights on up there." Ron grins at me as he dunks a chip in salsa.
I chuckle. It's good to laugh again.
"I agree with the smarty over here, Knox." Jim hooks a thumb towards Ron. The waitress arrives and we order another round of beers.
"Time will tell, I'm sure." I polish off my beer before helping myself to more chips and salsa.
"It will. So, did you see the new comic books they released this past week?" Jim veers off into more neutral territory—our love for all things geek. But my mind stays where it's been all week; on Emma's gorgeous face.
~E~
I spendthe weekend in my house. I don't leave. I don't answer the phone. What's the point? I don't want to talk. Alone is what I want. Away from any stress or reality.
I lose myself in books and TV, the need to occupy my mind overwhelming. I can't let myself think the unwanted thoughts that run through my head on repeat.
I attended the small memorial service Connie's few family members had for her. The whole occasion was sad and I wept through the speeches and prayers. Connie may not have led a glamorous life but she was someone. She had a beautiful smile and the few, rare times I saw her happy, her face could light up a room.
My mother and sister still haven't made an appearance, their silence loudly heard. It's on purpose, everything with them is for a selfish reason. I'm sure they're ashamed and disappointed. I'm relieved, yet sad. Sad it has to be this way. Family shouldn't judge you. They should love and accept you for who you are.
Here I am, almost in my thirties. I've finally realized how horrible the house rules are. They're jaded and judgmental. It took me losing a baby and my mother shunning me to realize how awful her views on love are.
I can't believe it took me so long to realize...
