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She narrows her eyes at me while I try to contain my laugh. “You could just ask, you know?” She leans down and kisses me quickly. “I’ll just grab some things and be right back.”
***
She sits on her heels in my bed, looking down at me, gently tracing her finger down the dips of my abs. “What’s war like?”
I rest my hands behind my head, savoring her touch. “What do you want to know?”
“Do you think it changed you? The experience, I mean.”
“Definitely.”
“How?”
I reach for her hand and kiss her wrist, then rest it on my chest. “I don’t know. When I left, I was just pissed off at the world. I thought I’d learned enough during boot camp—but it was nothing compared to actually being there. You see some bad shit—shit no one should ever have to see...but I think the biggest thing that changed me was meeting my brothers.”
“Jackson and Steven?”
“No, I mean my squad brothers. They all had different reasons for enlisting. My buddy Hunter—he lost his dad in 9/11. Montoya—he enlisted to honor his family. Generations of men in his family were soldiers. You’d think that the pressure would suck—but he didn’t hate it like I probably would have. He was proud. I mean, they were all proud to be there, you know? Me?” I swallow the lump in my throat. “I was there because I felt sorry for myself. Because I wanted to run away from reality—a reality that wasn’t all that bad—not compared to war.”
“Do you regret it though?”
“Not for a second,” I say quickly. “Do I regret my reason for joining? Yes. But I wouldn’t take it back.”
“Is that part of the reason you won’t see Christine?”
I inhale a sharp breath, ignoring the discomfort in my ribs. “She didn’t know I was going, Maddy. I never told her or Jax. I packed my shit in the middle of the night and left them a note.” A bitter laugh bubbles out of me. “A stupid note. Like it would make up for my actions. Truthfully—I’m too embarrassed to face her.”
“You think she’d still care about that? I’m sure she’d just want to see you—know that you’re alive and well.”
“Maybe,” I tell her. “But that doesn’t take away the shame.”
She smiles sadly before getting under the covers and resting her head on my shoulder. “Ky?”
“Yeah?”
She stays quiet a beat before whispering, “Do you think you’ll go back? Re-deploy?”
I let my thoughts gather into words, and then I tell her the truth. “That used to be my plan. I didn’t think there was anything here worth staying for.”
“And now?”
I tilt her head up and kiss her once, letting my lips linger. “And now I have you.”
“You have me,” she repeats, smiling against my lips. She pulls away. “Will you tell me about her?”
“Who?”
“Christine.”
I stare up at the ceiling—memories of Christine filling my mind. “She’s badass.”
She chuckles. “Badass?”
“Yeah. She grew up on this farm—was raised by her dad. She kind of reminds me of you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. She’s super sweet. Seems super innocent. Bakes cookies and crafts and stuff, but then she has this badass side to her. Like, she knows how to carry a gun and isn’t afraid to use it.”
“I hate guns,” she says quickly.
I jerk my head up—surprised by her words. “You hate guns? Why?”
She rears back, eyes wide, like she regrets spilling that tiny piece of her. “Nothing. Never mind.”
I sigh, dropping my head back on the pillow. “You do that a lot, you know.”
“Do what?”
“You avoid talking about anything related to you. You do it all the time. Or you change the subject. Don’t think I don’t notice.”
She turns to her side, facing away from me. “Good night, Ky.”
“Really? Are you going to ignore me?
She starts to shuffle out of bed. “I’m going home.”
“No.” I ignore the shooting pain and reach over to her, bringing her back down. “Just stay. Forget I said anything.”
She turns around, her eyes on mine. The pleading look on my face must be enough reason to get her back in bed. “We both have secrets, Ky,” she says, rolling onto her back.
“What are you talking about?” I ask. “You ask a million questions and I answer all of them.”
She sighs loudly, resting her head back on my shoulder.
I calm myself down, feeling the tension in my muscles slowly releasing.
“It’s been a shitty day, Ky. We should get some sleep before we both say or do something stupid. We’ll forget about all of this in the morning.”
MADISON
I saw the hurt in his eyes and I almost told him everything.
Almost.
But then...where the hell would I even start?
16
KY
“KY.”
I feel something on my face and slap it away.
“Ky!”
Now my cheek’s being poked. I groan and grab Madison’s hand.
She laughs, trying to yank it from my hold.
Her smile’s the first thing I see when I open my eyes. “What?”
The smile turns to a pout.
“Don’t pout. It’s annoying,” I lie.
