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I know it well. Mads and I have watched every series avidly. Josh watched one episode and refused to watch any more, so I used to go over to Mads’ apartment with a bottle of wine each week when it was on. She would either cook or one of us would get a takeaway, and we would sit and watch it together.
‘I have watched it, yes,’ I tell him.
‘I applied for it and was matched up with someone.’
‘Oh, wow! What made you enter?’
‘Well, I’m thirty-four and, apart from one brief relationship, I’ve been single since I left university. My job is pretty demanding, and I guess the nature of what I do is a bit off-putting if you’re swiping through Tinder, or whatever the nation’s favourite dating app is these days. So I thought I’d put myself in, submit myself to the science, as they like us to say, and see what happened.’
‘What’s your job?’ I try to envision him in various unappealing jobs – in an abattoir, covered in blood, or in a sewage pipe, covered in shit. Neither seem to work very well, and I notice his hands look soft, so probably not a job that involves lots of manual labour.
‘I’m a divorce lawyer.’
I burst out laughing. ‘I can see why that might kill the romantic vibe! So, what happened? I’m trying to envision you doing one of those pieces to camera about why you’d been single for a long time but wanted to meet “the one” so decided to see if science could help you.’
He smiles. ‘I can see youreallyknow the show.’
‘Oh yes. Don’t you?’
‘No. Well, I didn’t before I applied.’
‘Ah. Do you not think a bit of research might have been a good idea? It’s pretty full on.’
‘They sent me an information pack with the application form. I thought that explained everything pretty well.’
‘What did it say?’
‘That I’d have a load of interviews with various relationship experts, and I’d have to fill in questionnaires about my personality, the kind of person I was looking for, and so on. I had to agree to all of it being filmed, even if I wasn’t chosen for the show. Once I’d attended my selection panel, as they called it, they would be in touch if they thought they’d found a match.’
‘Yes, they show you that bit right at the beginning. I always think it looks like one of those talent shows, with long queues of people hoping to become the next big thing.’
‘There were masses of people there, and mine was just one of several selection panels that they conducted around the country. Apparently, over five thousand people apply every year.’
‘Wow. I never knew it was as popular as that.’
‘Me neither, until I turned up. It was really intense. As well as the interviews and the endless questionnaires, they also measured me. Not just height and weight, but pretty much every part of me. Apparently, there’s some scientific theory that reckons you match well with people who have similar relative body dimensions.’
‘And the woo-woo science didn’t ring any alarm bells?’
‘It did sound a bit made up, I’ll grant you. They were thorough though; the selection panel took the whole day.’
‘Did they give you any indication of what would happen if you were selected?’
‘That was all in the pack. It said that successful applicants would be told the first name of the person they were marrying, and given a location and time for the wedding. It explained the format of the ceremony, that there would be a screen between us until after we’d said our vows, so we couldn’t see each other until we were married. We’d be given a budget for wedding clothes, and they would take care of the wedding venue and all the costs associated with the reception and so on.’
‘Hm. It seems like they glossed over some significant details, but carry on.’
‘After the reception, they would put us up in a hotel for the night, and then send us somewhere nice on honeymoon to get to know each other better. After the honeymoon, we would move in together for six weeks in a flat they would provide, and there would be various tasks assigned to help us fast-track the relationship. We would check in with the experts every week so they could help with any problems, and all being well we’d want to stay together at the end. It sounded really interesting.’
‘And that’s all they told you?’
‘Pretty much.’
‘OK, they left out some pretty important things. For example, how many of these relationships stay the course, do you think?’
‘I don’t know. They didn’t say.’
‘I’m sure they didn’t! I’ve watched four series so far and, to my knowledge, there is only one couple that’s still together. It’s pretty much car-crash TV, and the only reason I watch it is because I’m hoping against hope that some of the couples will make it. Some of them don’t even get to the end of the honeymoon; there was a woman in the last series who hated her husband so much, she waited until he’d gone out, left him a goodbye note and paid for her own flight home! And then there are the families and friends, who seem determined to derail even the best functioning marriages. I remember one guy’s mother tearing into a poor bride because she didn’t do all the cooking and laundry for her precious boy. Did you really think you would find true love in a show like that?’
