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‘The production company take care of all the practicalities, so all I needed to do was get all my wedding clobber, morning coat and so on, and appoint a best man. I also bought some diamond earrings as a “hello” gift for Sarah. Probably a bit of a cliché, but you have no idea how difficult it is to buy a romantic present for someone you’ve never met. I wrote a speech for the wedding about how delighted I was, even though I had no idea if I would be delighted or not. It was all a bit surreal, I can tell you. By the time the wedding day came around I was in knots. Part of me was really excited that I could be about to meet the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and part of me was kicking myself for being stupid enough to sign up for something like this.’
‘Talk me through the wedding day.’
‘OK. Our wedding was in a hotel near Gatwick Airport, and they put my best man and me up there the night before. We spent the morning getting dressed up in our wedding gear, I had to do various pieces to the camera about how I was feeling about the wedding and so on, and then we went down into the function room where the ceremony was going to be held. It’s just like you see on the TV, with the screen and everything. I was all in my finery, my friends and family were all there, and we could hear Sarah’s family through the screen but, of course, we couldn’t see them. The celebrant was there, and all the camera crew and their equipment. Because of the screen, there were two crews: one to film on her side, and one to film on mine. The wedding was scheduled for two o’clock, but it’s a bride’s prerogative to be late, isn’t it, so when two fifteen came and went I didn’t think anything was particularly unusual. By two thirty the guests were getting restless, and so was I.’
‘Yes, that’s getting towards rudely late. What time did she finally arrive?’
‘She never turned up at all.’
13
‘What? That’s awful, Ed. I’m so sorry.’
‘Yup. The crew saw the car pull up and then drive away again, so they rang the chauffeur to find out what was going on. Apparently, her dad had been violently against it from the moment she told him what she was planning. She didn’t let that put her off to start with, but he did such a number on her while they were in the car on the way to the venue that, by the time she got there, she’d decided she didn’t want to go through with it after all.’
‘You must have been gutted.’
‘I felt pretty foolish. You hear stories of people being stood up at the altar, but I never imagined that it would happen to me. Thankfully, the people from the production company were really good. They took me off into a side room to explain what had happened, and also dealt with the guests for me, so I didn’t have to face anyone. I wasn’t heartbroken – how could I be when I’d never even met her? But I was really disappointed, after everything I’d been through and all the build-up.’
‘What happened about the reception and stuff though? That must all have been booked and paid for?’
‘Do you know, I have no idea. Maybe the guests went anyway. As soon as it was clear the wedding wasn’t going ahead, the guy from the production company told me I had a choice. I could either leave the show there and then, which they’d quite understand, or, because I’d entered in good faith, they were happy for me to go to the hotel we were supposed to be spending our wedding night in, and then come on the honeymoon by myself. They would send a crew to check in with me at various points, for the show, but other than that I’d be able to enjoy the holiday uninterrupted. It was a no-brainer. Face down the pity and “I told you so’s”, or run away and let the dust settle a bit. I’d already booked the time off work, so here I am. Anyway, enough about me. I realise I’ve spent the last however long boring you with my story, and I don’t even know your name!’
‘Not boring at all! I’m Charlotte, but only my parents call me that. Most people call me either Charley, Lottie or Lots. Frankly, I also respond pretty well to “Oi!”, so you can take your pick.’
‘I like Charlotte, but I don’t want to sound like your dad, so I think I’ll go with Charley, if it’s all the same to you. So, Charley, what’s your story? The way you had your stuff spread out indicates to me that you weren’t expecting anyone to join you.’
‘You can’t possibly infer that!’ I exclaim, laughing. ‘I might be using my stuff to save the sunbed for my hot, ripped boyfriend. For all you know he’s on his way now, and when he sees you talking to me, he’s going to beat the crap out of you.’
Ed raises his eyebrows. He doesn’t seem to have bought my story at all.
‘OK, fair cop,’ I say, ‘I’m here on my own as well. Well, that’s not strictly true. I’m here with my parents.’
Ed looks horrified. ‘Oh God. I’m so sorry. I thought you were older…’
I laugh again. ‘Relax! I’m twenty-seven. I broke up with my long-term boyfriend at Christmas, so Mum and Dad invited me to come to Antigua with them as part of my recovery. Who’s going to turn down a bit of free sun and sand, especially when the weather at home is so horrible?’
‘Fair point. May I ask what happened with the boyfriend, if that’s not too personal? I’ve told you my story, so I’m ready to listen if you want to share yours.’
I tell him about Josh and me. I talk about how we met, how we started to argue after he got the job at Earthkind, and how we broke up. He’s an attentive listener, and he asks lots of questions. I suspect it’s the lawyer in him, but I find him very easy to talk to.
‘So, tell me. Why a divorce lawyer?’ I ask after I’ve filled him in on the collapse of my love life.
‘Good question. On the face of it, it doesn’t sound very appealing, does it? Lots of people base their understanding of lawyers on TV shows likeSuits, where divorcing couples have full-on screaming matches in boardrooms while their respective lawyers try to referee. The reality is that scenes like that are pretty rare. Most of what I do is investigative stuff. My clients are all what we call “high net worth”, and their primary goal is either to get their hands on as large a share of the pie as possible, or to hold on to as much of it as possible by hiding it from their spouse. Some of them go to extraordinary lengths to conceal their assets, so a lot of my job is tracking those down so that the whole estate can be divided up fairly.’
‘Have you got any clients that I might know?’
‘Do you remember the Didier Oponome divorce? It was widely reported in the papers.’
‘Oh, yes. He’s the Premier League footballer who couldn’t keep it in his trousers. Eventually his wife, Madeleine, had enough and divorced him. From what I remember, she got millions.’
‘Fifty-two million and enough loose change to buy a couple of Bentleys. Yes, I represented her.’
‘Wow! What was she like?’
‘I can’t tell you about her specifically – client confidentiality and all that. What I can say is that, when people have that much money, it affects the way they view the world. They are used to getting whatever they want, whenever they want it, and they generally don’t react very well if you tell them they can’t have something.’
‘I’ll bet. Have you ever had to send someone away?’
