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A lot of stuff has changed for me since Christmas. I don’t want to sound like a hippy, but it’s been a journey of discovery. As part of that I realised two things. One, that I needed to apologise properly to you, and two, that I have you to thank for a lot of where I am today.
I type:
I’m glad for you.
I’m still not accepting this apology yet.
Does Scarlett know you’re messaging me?
We split up a couple of months ago.
Interesting. Maybe he does want me back. Hastily, I type:
I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you don’t think apologising to me now is going to change anything between us. I’ve moved on.
There’s a brief pause before he replies:
No hidden agenda. Promise. I just wanted the opportunity to apologise in person and say thank you. Would you allow me to buy you a drink sometime?
He wants to meet? I’m not sure I’m up for that. Even the conversation we’re having now feels a bit intrusive – I don’t think I want to see him face to face. I take my wine out onto the balcony and look down at the river. A family of ducks are swimming past, and I watch them while I try to work out what to do. I hear my phone ping in the sitting room, but I ignore it.
I try to play out meeting up with Josh in my head. It feels wrong and awkward. I’ve had all this time to get over him, how dare he come waltzing back in now? I’ve rebuilt my life and, despite the Ed setback, I’m reasonably happy. This feels like he’s trying to drive a bulldozer right through the middle of it. I stalk back inside and grab my phone.
The message reads:
Are you still there?
I reply to him:
Yes, and I don’t think that is a very good idea.
I mute the phone and turn on the TV. I’ve had enough of Josh for today. However, just before I go to bed, curiosity gets the better of me and I have a quick check to see if he’s replied. There’s one message, and it reads:
I understand. If you change your mind, I’ll be in the Jolly Farmer between 7 and 9 on Friday.
* * *
‘I think you should go,’ Mads says, when I ring her up the next day to tell her about it.
‘Why on earth do you think that?’
‘You’re thinking about this from the wrong angle. Last time he saw you, you were, and I say this lovingly, a bit drab. Don’t you want to show him what he’s missing out on? How fabulous you are now?’
I laugh. ‘Don’t spare my feelings, will you!’
‘I’m only telling you what you know is true. What kind of friend would I be if I wasn’t honest with you?’
‘Well, I always know where I stand with you. I’ll give you that!’
‘Exactly. So, my view, which you’re welcome to ignore, is that you should go and show him how amazing you are now he’s not there to hold you back. Think about it at least?’
I agree and we hang up.
Over the next few days, I consider what she’s said. On the one hand, I’m still not wild about the idea of meeting up with Josh. I worry that he’ll assume I’ve forgiven him. A few scribbled lines of apology on Messenger and suddenly it’s all forgotten? I don’t think so. On the other hand, it would be quite satisfying to see his face when he clocks the new me for the first time. I think about what I could wear, and a few options come to mind.
The other reason I’m tempted to accept his invitation is Scarlett. I can’t deny that I’m curious to find out why they split up. Who dumped who and why? Wouldn’t it be the cruellest irony if she’d cheated on him? I can’t help smiling at the prospect, and my mind is made up.
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