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There’s a reason I don’t fucking drink, aside from not liking what it turns people into, and that’s that it tastes like ass. It’s good at numbing my fear and doubt though, so I throw back another shot of vodka straight from the bottle, letting it burn me from the inside out. The burn is almost as bad as the churning emotions that brought me to this bridge in the first place. Almost, but nothing can quite touch the pain of being punched by life one too many times.
Suicide is something I’ve considered before, but never have I come this far. There was always something holding me back, some voice calling me back from the void of death. That voice was Declan and that voice is gone. Life keeps hitting me with everything it has and I’m finally taking it as the sign I need to let go. Fate, destiny, life, whatever you want to call it is telling me something, and for once I’m listening.
Looking off the edge of the bridge that I sit on, I let my pain and frustration out with a scream that only nature can hear. I picked this bridge because of how secluded it is, no one to try to stop me or have to watch what I’m about to do. There’s no point in scarring another human with my choice to end it all, that’s not something I want to leave on someone else. This secluded bridge in the woods is perfect.
Truth be told, I should have jumped a while ago, but I keep hesitating. Everything feels like it’s spiralling out of control and I don’t know how to ground myself anymore. I’m drowning in this sea of despair and there’s not a single thing keeping me afloat anymore, yet there’s a part of me that is still fighting. Fighting for what, I don’t know.
Three faces flash across my mind. The men that have already done so much for me. The three assholes that have literally given me more in these short weeks than anyone else ever gave me aside from Melinda and my parents. They’re both the reason I’m hesitating and part of the reason I want to jump. I’m nothing but a burden to them and I’m so tired of being a burden.
My thoughts start darkening again, each one reminding me why I’m on this bridge in the first place. There’s nothing left for me in my life and living means hindering other people’s lives. There’s too much of me that’s irreparably broken. The universe is giving me a sign that I’m not meant to be here and it’s time I finally fucking take the hint.
“What are you doing, Alayna?” Adam’s voice comes from behind me, startling me enough to drop my vodka bottle into the rock filled river fifty feet below me.
“Shit, Adam. What are you doing out here?” I ask, deflecting his question with my own. There’s no way I’m admitting what I’m doing out here and having him try to stop me.
“Don’t fucking try that shit with me, Alayna. Answer my question,” he growls, moving closer to where I’m sitting. When he gets close enough, he hops up onto the ledge with me, his hand resting beside me as he stares me down.
“You’re such an asshole,” I snap back, my voice carrying out on the wind with a slight slur. “No one asked you to come here. Go away!”
“Yeah, nice fucking try. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me exactly what the fuck you’re doing on this cold ass bridge in the middle of the night.” His face is a blank mask, but his eyes are burning with something that looks a lot like hurt.
Turning my face away from him, I stare out at the dark trees and churning river below us. He knows why I’m here, he just wants me to say it out loud. He wants me to admit that I came out here to take my own life because I’m so fucking run down I can’t take any more thrown at me. The thing is, admitting what I’m here for is probably the one thing I can’t do. That would be admitting that I’m not strong enough to fight my battles anymore. It would be speaking my shame into the world.
Adam sits beside me, silent and unmoving as he waits for me to answer him. One thing that I’ve learned over the past month with the three of them, Adam can out stubborn even the most relentless mule. His patience and persistence would be impressive if they weren’t so goddamn annoying.
The silence between us is becoming uncomfortable and making me fidget with anxiety. Still, he sits there just fucking staring at me. I can already feel the words bubbling in my chest, my mouth wanting to open and answer him just so he’ll stop being so intense. My mouth opens but instead of the words I expect to tumble out, a sob rips through instead.
My chest aches with the force of the emotions tearing through me. There’s shame, guilt, pain, heartbreak, fear, and so much more. They overwhelm me like a tide I just can’t escape from. I fall into it all, hoping it will end but not seeing a lifeline in sight. That is, until his arm comes around my shoulder and he pulls me into his chest. My hands grip his shirt like it’s the only thing grounding me from the tornado of devastation destroying me.
We sit there for who knows how long, me crying out everything but my major organs and him weathering my storm. Eventually the tears slow to sniffles and hiccups, my face soaked with salty tears and disgusting snot.
Adam speaks after a moment, his voice softer than before. “Tell me what you were doing up here.”
“Do I have to say it out loud?” I sniffle, pulling away from him to wipe my face on my sleeve. Cute, I know.
“Yes, you do. You need to admit it out loud and then we can finally talk about why,” he murmurs, brushing a stray tear away with his hand.
“I was going to end it all,” I admit, guilt slamming into me like a freight train. “I was going to kill myself and end all of the pain.”
Adam sits beside me, his presence grounding me as the words start falling from my lips without even an encouraging word from him. He’s right, I need to get this out.
“It feels like life is telling me to just end it. There’s only so much bad that can happen before you question whether it’s being sent to make you stronger or if it’s telling you to stop getting back up.” I pause, taking a deep breath to push through the next part. “Maybe I’m not meant to keep going. It feels like it’s time for me to cut my losses and see if reincarnation is a thing. I’m just so tired of it all. I’m tired of it never being my turn for something good. I’m tired of being life’s personal punching bag. I want out, I want it to end.”
The tears start anew, my heart breaking all over again as I think about the shit show that’s been my life. From the ripe age of five, it’s been a mirage of loss, abuse, and heartbreak. I lose everything I care about. My parents, my innocence, Melinda, Declan, and now my bar. There’s been nothing but loss and pain in my life. Every person that was meant to love me or care for me died or hurt me. There’s only so much I can be expected to take.
“I know how you feel,” Adam murmurs after a while, his face turned away from me as he takes my hand in his. “I probably know how you feel as much as Declan did. I don’t talk about my past much because like you, it hurts too much. My mom cared more about where her next fix was coming from than she did about me. She pimped me out to her fucking dealer time and time again, just to get her next hit of heroine.”
My hand squeezes his, my need to take the pain out of his voice overcoming my own hurt for a moment. The night is silent except for the rushing of the water below us as I wait for Adam to continue.
“At eighteen I enlisted because it was the quickest way to get away from her and everything she made me do. It was good for a while, gave me a life and a family that was ride or die. Then I lost my fucking leg.” He laughs without humour, his smile cold and chilling. “It was a devastating blow after a series of devastating blows.
But that’s just fucking life. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. That doesn’t mean we get to opt out of it. What Declan did, taking his own life, it created a ripple effect into everyone’s lives around him. You don’t get to choose to end it and make everyone else deal with the fall out. You’ve been given a shit hand over and over again, but that doesn’t mean the next one won’t be a good one.”
My eyes meet his, the darkness creating shadows that seem to amplify the desperation in his gaze. His hand moves to cup my cheek, his touch so gentle and timid it sends a shiver of warmth down my spine.
“Don’t give up yet, Lay. The guys and I can show you there’s more to life than the bad shit.” He kisses the corner of my mouth softly, before whispering against my cheek. “Give life with us a chance.”
My head rests against his, both of us breathing each other in. If I had to point out the moment the tide stopped pulling me, it would be this one right here. This moment between us is exactly the lifeline I needed to bring myself back. A simple touch. A simple plea. I was hesitating this whole time and searching for any reason to stay, even when I felt I had a million reasons to go. Adam handed that to me, he gave me exactly what I needed.
