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I’m not there anymore. I’m safe.
It was just a nightmare, one I lived through already. I’m not in that house anymore and no one will ever take advantage of me. I am not weak or pathetic and I never will be again. The problem is, my mind doesn’t understand that. The memories are ingrained in me. I still feel the phantom hands on me, the belt around my neck stealing my breath, the cold bite of the knife on my skin.
My breathing rhythm increases as I fall headfirst into a panic attack. My mind is trapped in the past and I can’t seem to fully bring my consciousness to the present. There’s so much fear flooding my system, setting off every danger alarm I have.
Forcing myself to focus, I take deep calming breaths and use my PTSD counselling trick to bring me back to the here and now. My mind needs to remember that we’re not in danger so I can finally breathe again.
Five things I see: my lavender comforter, my grey walls, the sun streaming through a crack in my lavender curtains and my long brown hair falling around my face. Four things I feel: the soft silk of my sheets, the cool sweat on my back, the flow of air from my fan and my nails digging into my palms. Three things I hear: the white noise from my fan, the sound of my breathing slowing down, the cars driving on the street outside my apartment. Two things I smell: my vanilla lavender cream I put on before bed and hint of beer from when I spilled it in my hair last night. One thing I can taste: my morning breath, gross.
By the end I am fully back in the present, my panic attack, thankfully, has subsided. Looking at the clock, I fall back onto the bed groaning when I see it’s not even eight o’clock. So much for getting some decent sleep before I head out today. I fucking knew that bullshit from a few hours ago was going to bring up these memories I’ve long since buried like a cheating boyfriend you never want found again.
Pulling myself out of bed with a sigh, I head to the bathroom and turn on the shower. May as well get this day started because there is no way in hell I want to chance that nightmare making a reappearance. Some shit is better left buried until I’m better equipped to deal with it. That time will come soon, I can feel it. I’ll deal with it when I have him by my side.
Declan, my first love.
This trip I’m going on is all about digging up the past. Finding Declan. Healing both of us from our dark past. I just need all of this to stay in that box in my head until I find him. Declan is the only one who will understand, the only person I trust to show my vulnerability to. He saved me once now I want the chance to heal both of us.
Vulnerability gets you hurt. If you ask anyone in my life right now who I am, vulnerable would not even graze their lips. To the outside world I’m rough, cold, and blunt. There’s no signs of the girl I used to be. You won’t get sappy or sweet from me, that leads to friendships and shit. That can’t happen, any relationship, outside of acquaintances, is a weakness I can’t afford.
There’s a wall around me I erected the moment I was torn from Dec to keep people away. A wall of sarcasm, anger, and resting bitch face that no one dares to pass. There’s a lot of things people come to me for, like kicking someone’s ass or a bitchin’ cocktail recipe, but friendship isn’t one of them. Sugarcoating is not in my vocabulary. I’m not the person you go to for a cry or a heart to heart. I can’t risk being seen as weak in anyone’s eyes.
Testing the water to make sure it’s the right temperature, I sigh when the hot water caresses my hand. Without another thought, I jump right into the shower, washing away all remnants of last night. Both the fight and the memories it awakened, swirl away in the water with my lavender body wash, draining until there’s nothing but the future left in my head.
Today I make the drive to see Declan. My nerves and excitement are causing my adrenaline to spike, but this time in a good way. I've held off on this moment for so long, not yet ready to face him until I wasn't as much of a burden anymore. I have no social media, no online presence aside from an anonymous Reddit account that I never post on. My life has been hidden from those who would hurt me and I purposely kept it hidden from those I could possibly hurt, like Declan.
My mind races and I can’t help but wonder how he’s changed. Things like if he still likes to wear his hair longer, if he got any taller than his 6’ frame from before. Does he still live for music? Did he stop playing music or does he still do it for fun? I have so many questions running through my mind about what may have changed with him and what might be the same.
I’ve purposely stayed away from all talk of upcoming artists and the indie scene, just in case his name came up. If I knew where he was from the get go, I never would have been able to hold myself back from running to him. That wouldn’t have been good for either of us. My skin had to thicken and I had to learn how to be my own person before we came together. I won’t fall back into old habits, always leaning on him and never being strong enough to return the favour. When we come together today, it’ll be on even ground or me being the one to offer a shoulder to lean on.
The shower rejuvenates me just like I hoped it would. Wiping the condensation from the mirror, I take in my wide, hopeful grey eyes and allow a smile to pull up the corners of my mouth. It looks odd, something I’m not used to doing without at least some sass to it. This is what Declan will see though, the joy and happiness that flood me every time I remember my broken knight in shining armour. I take time with my appearance, making sure my hair looks shiny and my makeup is enough, but not too much. I’m going to be a mess by the time I get there but at least I know I put the effort in. It’s going to be eight hours in a car so comfortable clothes are still a must.
Moving to my closet, I glance around before rummaging through what clothes I have. Almost everything is black because I don’t like the attention other colours bring me. Settling on a pair of comfortable black jeggings and the one white shirt that I own, I dub it good enough. It’s a halter top that shows a little too much cleavage, but I don’t want to show up looking like I’m going to a funeral or some shit. It won’t do me any good showing up and having him associate me with death or anything negative. I want to look like a fucking angel straight from heaven, even if deep inside I’m more fallen than I care to admit.
It’s finally time to head out, I can’t put off the inevitable anymore. With a final glance in the mirror, I pat down my long black hair and head out. I look as good as it’s going to get, in fact it’s all going to go down hill as I sit in my car for the next little while. That’s the joy of long drives, you look like you were just on a road trip no matter how much you try not to.
My mind wanders over everything I could be forgetting, I have an awful memory sometimes, especially when I’m stressed like I am today. Breakfast is the only thing that comes to mind and I’ll get some food on the road. I need to let my stomach wake up a bit before I try putting food in it. Stopping to throw it all back up would delay the trip too much.
I hop right in the car, haphazardly tossing my bag in the backseat and starting it up. It’s time to get this show on the road. It’s been a fucking decade since I’ve seen Declan and I’m anxious to finally reunite. The private investigator that I hired said that Declan lives with three other guys in a house just two towns over from where we shared the foster family from hell. As long as I skirt that town I’ll be okay.
It’s a little surprising that Declan lives so close to that place, but maybe he found something in the town he’s in that kept him there. I hope it’s not a girlfriend or a child. The PI didn’t say anything about those things so I assumed he didn’t have them but then again I didn’t specifically ask. Fuck, he’s totally got a family or a long term girlfriend and he isn’t going to want me!
Shut the fuck up Alayna! You aren’t this sniveling idiot.This trip isn’t to necessarily get my first love back but to see how he’s doing and help me put my past behind me. It’s to heal both of us like I promised younger me I would do. If he sees me and falls madly in love again like I know I will with him then great, but it’s not the point of the trip.
Turning up the volume, my rock music blasts as I pull onto the highway. I’m determined to just think about the trip and not what waits for me at the end. Now is the time to keep my wits about me on this journey, I can’t break down halfway there from the fear of the unknown. This is too important to let my anxiety get the best of me. I will kick this trip's ass and get my happy ending.
The music will help the time fly, so I’m rocking out to Drowning Pool and tearing down the highway. Everything is going to work out for the best.See Dr. Ferris! I can think positively sometimes. I’m not always so negative about everything. Sure I started out thinking some negative thoughts, but I can fucking rock the positive thoughts too.
The drive only takes seven and a half hours as I blow over the speed limits a few times. I stop at a motel quickly first to freshen up before I head to Declan’s house. I hope he gives me an all consuming hug like he used to when he sees me. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he answers the door. I wonder if I look different or if he’ll still see the seventeen year old that I was. He’s forever frozen at that age in my head.
Without delaying too long I hop back in the car, driving to the address the private investigator gave me. This is it. This is the moment I have been waiting for for 10 years. Looking up at the simple grey brick house, I gather my strength to walk up and knock. It’s time to stop hiding away from my past. It’s time to finally get my man and my happily ever after. Let’s fucking do this.
Chapter Three
Alayna
My hand darts out quickly, knocking on the door before I lose my nerve. Stepping off to the side a bit, I wait for him to come to the door. I hope it’s Declan that answers because I’m not sure I want to meet his roommates before I get to see him. This reunion has been planned in my head for years and having someone yell that I’m here does not play into it. What if they don’t know who I am? Or even worse, what if they do? What if his roommates know every horror of our time together and won’t let me in so I can’t damage Declan anymore than he’s already been damaged.
My thoughts are interrupted when the door opens. My heart leaps into my throat before dropping into the pit of my stomach when I see that it’s not him. The guy in the doorway is probably one of the biggest guys I’ve ever seen. He gives Josh a run for his money. Let’s hope he’s as much of a teddy bear as Josh is. I put on my best smile and try not to look too nervous.
