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Pulling out of the strong arms surrounding me, I jump to my feet and turn to face the person holding me. Rhys holds his hands up in the air, his face showing only sympathy and his own grief. My shoulders drop a little, the air releasing from my lungs in one deep breath that takes away some tension.
“Please don’t touch me,” I whisper, wiping my eyes lightly with the back of my hand. “I know you mean well, but please don’t.”
“I’m sorry,” he answers, his voice deep and sincere. “Did you want me to walk up with you? I won’t touch you, but I can stand beside you while you say your goodbyes.”
My mind freezes for a second, my need to show I’m a strong person warring with my need for comfort in this moment. It’s so hard accepting help because in my experience it always comes with a price, one that’s more than I care to pay. However, the sincerity on his face and the kindness in his eyes makes me want to accept. They were Declan’s friends and I trusted him. Maybe I should trust them just a little bit?
“Okay.” I nod, dropping my eyes to the floor as I play with the hem of my black top. “I would appreciate that.”
Rhys nods his head, one lock of long blonde hair falling into his face before he tucks it back behind his ear. My hand itches to do that for him, my body crying out for any affection or human touch that I can get. Slamming the lid on that box, I turn around to take the first step towards the casket. Time freezes again, my limbs refusing to move any further as I catch a glimpse of that photo again.
Oh, Declan. Why did you do this?
Rhys moves in front of me, leading the way to Declan and my final goodbyes. As he walks forward my feet follow, moving me closer and closer until I’m right in front of him. His face is so peaceful as he lays here, lifeless and so unaware of the pain he’s unleashed. He’s so beautiful, even in death. My hand twitches, that same urge I had with Rhys rearing it’s ugly head to get me to tuck just one piece of his dark brown hair behind his ear.
“Why?” My voice shakes, fresh tears falling down my cheeks. “Why, Declan? I was coming for you. I was meant to finally save you.”
Another why sits on the tip of my tongue.Why didn’t you fight just a little bit longer?He just needed to last until I could come and fight his demons for him. We were so close to finding our happy ending together. So fucking close to it. The blame falls on me though. If I didn’t take my sweet ass time finding him, he would still be here. If I could have reached out and told him I was coming to help him, he would still be here.
So, I guess the better question iswhy did I fail him?
“Declan.” My voice breaks on his name, all of the grief, pain, and guilt pouring out of me with that one word. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry for failing you. You were my best friend, my first love, and most of all my biggest hero. Life wasn’t kind to us, but you made it better. I am going to miss you more than you will ever know. Rest in peace, my love. Rest for both of us.”
The wordsI love youslip silently from my lips as I give in to my tears one more time. This is my moment to be weak and to let myself feel for all I’ve lost. Tomorrow I’ll be stronger and pick myself up from the pain, but for tonight, I’ll let myself be weak.
Riggs steps up beside me, his hand resting on the casket just an inch away from my own. My knuckles are white with how tightly I’m gripping the light brown, pine wood, but slowly they loosen as I watch Riggs’ massive hand relax against the same wood. Riggs takes a deep breath beside me, his inhale and exhale perfectly timed making my own body immediately copy it until I feel some of the tension I was holding slip away.
“People are showing up.” Adam’s voice breaks through the silence like a blaring horn, my body instantly tensing up again.
“I’m going to go,” I whisper to no one in particular as I turn away from Declan for the very last time.
There’s no way I’m being this vulnerable in front of an even bigger audience which means the funeral tomorrow is out of the question. My attendance won’t make a difference to Dec, he’s not here anymore. He won’t ever care about anything again.
“Alayna, wait!” Rhys calls out, his footsteps coming up quickly behind me. “Are you coming to the funeral tomorrow?”
“No,” I answer, looking anywhere but at him. “I’ve said my goodbye, there’s nothing left for me to come back for.”
“Are you leaving town then?” The concern in his voice is enough to make me look up at him. His blue eyes searching my face for something, his blonde brows furrowing with worry.
“Probably?” I say, my voice wavering with uncertainty. “I got answers. Not the ones I wanted, but with Declan—” I pause, my mouth refusing to say the word gone. “There’s nothing left for me.”
“We were wondering if you would like to go through his stuff with us,” he asks after a small beat of hesitation. “There may be something in there that means more to you than it does to us. Something you could have of his.”
My head starts nodding before I even fully think about my answer. That may help me, seeing his life now and getting a feel for who he turned out to be. That, or it’s going to fucking gut me all over again. I’ll take that chance to get my hands on even a small piece of the boy I once loved.
“Good.” Rhys smiles, that same strand of hair falling in his face as he hands me a slip of paper with his phone number on it. “Text me when you feel ready and we’ll make a plan for it. The funeral is tomorrow at eleven a.m. if you change your mind.”
“Alright,” I murmur, my voice dropping as my body goes numb from the emotional overload of the day. Moving past him, I make my way out of the funeral home as other people start trickling in. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and this will all have been a horrible nightmare. Placing my head on my steering wheel, I chuckle without humour. I learned long ago to stop wishing the bad stuff away, this time isn’t any different.
Adam
My gaze follows the beautiful woman out of the funeral home. There’s something about her that grates on my nerves, but I just can’t put my finger on it. It could be that she’s drop-dead gorgeous and somehow suddenly showed up just as Dec killed himself. It could be that in my experience women like that don’t do anything without an ulterior motive. Whatever it is, I don’t like it.
“Glad she’s gone,” I mutter to Riggs, annoyance leaking into every word.
“Shut the fuck up,” Riggs snaps, his voice a deep growl laced with anger. “You could learn to have some basic compassion. Maybe a little fucking empathy.”
“Maybe if you took your eyes off of her perfect fucking ass you would see that this has too many coincidences to not be on purpose.”
