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These feelings need to go to hell. My instant reaction to that broken woman was one I’ve never experienced in my life. It’s like I know her so well already through Declan that the jump to loving her is probably more like a stepping stone. None of that matters though, so I shove it all deep down inside because I should never cross that line with her. I need to put her in the same category that I have Adam and Riggs, the platonic chosen family category. Just because she looks like an angel hellbent on sinning does not mean I should be thinking about throwing her on my bed and having my way with her. She was, and still is, Declan's. I refuse to be that person.
My twenty minutes are up so I make my way back to the living room. Riggs is there nursing another drink. Adam strolls in right after me, looking chagrined as he looks between Riggs and I. He gives us his apology nod which we both eagerly accept. Tonight is not about us or any of our shit. Tonight is for Declan and now it's also for Alayna.
The visitation tonight is for close friends and family to get a chance to say goodbye. He didn't have many of those, pretty much just the people in this house and maybe a couple others. We still decided to go through with a visitation because the funeral will be insane since there's a lot more people who think they were close to him. People liked to use him while he was alive for fame, fortune or just because he was a giving guy. They're now going to use him for their social media stories to get clout for saying goodbye to the rockstar like they were close.
If there's one thing I've learned in my thirty years of life, it's that most people are no better than vultures. They circle around and find out what they can gain from others in life or death. They attack the weakest links and absorb whatever they can to sustain the image they want the world to see. It's disgusting and pisses me off more than I care to admit.
Adam grabs his keys since he no longer drinks. Riggs has had a few already and won't drive while under the influence.
Piling into the pickup truck, Adam and I in the front, Riggs taking up the backseat by himself. Riggs doesn't do well sitting in the passenger seat since a DUI accident a long time ago. He can drive or he's in the back seat, the passenger side is a trigger for him that he avoids at all costs.
"Let's try to keep tonight calm and focus on Declan," I remind them when we're five minutes away from the funeral home. "All of our bullshit needs to be sidelined until after the funeral. Dec deserves that much."
"Got it," Adam agrees with a single blunt nod. His face looks like he's mad and devastated all at once. Dec's death has hit him the hardest out of all of us.
"Of course," Riggs rumbles from the back seat. "Are you still planning on doing the eulogy at the funeral?"
"I am," I answer in a low voice. "It was one of the last things he asked of me, I can'tnotdo it."
"You'll do a great job," he responds, clapping my shoulder from behind. "You always know the right thing to say."
Nodding, I look out the window to avoid any more questions. I still have no idea what I am going to say or even what I should say. I can't say how I really feel about all of this, about how he left. I'm sad about losing my friend and I'm mad at him for taking himself from us. This whole situation has me all mixed up.
I know he probably felt he had no other choice, but he did. I told him so many times that we were there for him. We talked about how much he would leave behind if he ever killed himself. His life was just starting to come together and I'm fucking pissed at him that he destroyed it just like that. We could have helped him, we could have done something for him. He stopped fighting for himself and I'm trying to forgive him for it. I'm not there yet though and I don't know when I will be.
We pull up to the home, none of us particularly ready for this. All of us collectively suck in a breath, trying to find the strength to get this over with. I don't want to go in there and see his lifeless face. My body is shaking from head to toe as I force myself to step out of the truck. I'm an adult, I need to stop pussy footing around. Death is a part of life, one day it's going to come for all of us.
Adam and Riggs step up beside me, none of us rushing to go inside. I've always been the leader of our group and right now, looking at the anguish on both of their faces, I need to be the one to lead again.
"Let's go," I beckon as I move towards the door.
No one else is here yet, which is how we planned it. For Alayna, I wrote the time 20 minutes earlier than the visitation is supposed to start so that she didn't have to see Declan with an audience. She should be here in about ten minutes which gives us time to make sure everything is how it's supposed to be.
Lucky for us, Dec had all of his instructions written out for us and attached to his suicide note. He was so thoughtful when he decided to take his own life, making sure we didn't have to worry about anything. It's so unbelievably fucking thoughtful. You know what else would have helped us not worry about anything? Him still being here.
The rage and sorrow I feel consumes me every time I think about how much he thought about us but couldn't even find it in him to think about himself. He couldn't stop to think about what he was losing or what he could have gained by staying alive. No, he thought about what he could do to make our lives easier. It’s just like that fucking guy, he thought about everyone else before himself.
We walk into the room where the casket is set up and see the funeral director putting some finishing touches on the room. There's minimal flowers since Declan wasn't a huge fan of them. He wanted the room to be filled with light and warmth instead. He always said he didn't like the shadows, he needed pure light or complete darkness. His first professional photo that was taken for the music label is on a stand by the open casket, giving you a glimpse of who he was and what he's been reduced to. I know that's not the point of it but it sure does give you that image.
"It looks just like he wanted it to," I say to no one in particular.
"It does," Riggs answers me. I look over as he rubs his face with both hands in an effort to hold himself together. "I need another drink."
"I'll break out the good stuff when we get through this," I assure him as I give him my best attempt at a smile. It honestly feels as broken as I do.
It's at this moment that I hear the click of heels on the floor outside of the visitation room. Turning around I see Alayna appear in the doorway. Her black hair is flowing in waves over her shoulders and she's dressed in black slacks and a pretty black top. She stops short as she sees the casket at the front of the room. I watch her face as a million emotions run across it, each one more devastating than the last. Tears fill her eyes as she drops to her knees in front of us for the second time today.
Chapter Five
Alayna
This can't be real.This can't be fucking real. This has to be just another one of my nightmares, only this time it's a fear about my future and not my past. I want to pinch myself to wake up from this awful dream. There's no way that this is reality, he wouldn't leave like this. My mind is filled with denial that Declan,my Declan, would just give up. He fought so hard for me and he fought so hard for himself. We both got out of the horror, why would he do this?
My knees hit the floor, pain richochetting through my legs, as my body collapses from the complete and utter torrent of emotions flooding me. Seeing his picture beside that casket is like a knife in my heart, twisting and cutting me with every erratic beat. His smile is one I know so well, but also not at all. It’s on the face of a beautiful man that resembles the boy I loved. I missed seeing him turn into that person because I waited ten fucking years to come find him.
I failed him.
Someone’s arms surround me, the smell of sandalwood drifting up to my nose. The scent provokes a calmness in me that I grasp at desperately. There’s something familiar about it that I can’t immediately place, yet it makes me feel safe and comforted. Safe is not a word I throw around lightly, it’s been a long time since someone created that feeling in me. That in itself shakes me out of my grief just a little bit. I can’t let myself feel safe, not around strangers. It’s a mistake I’ve made one too many times.
