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Being back in this house has me so fucking on edge I can barely sit down for more than five minutes at a time. My body is tense, my mind constantly searching out anything out of the ordinary. Having that asshole invade our house and be so close to where Lay sleeps, all vulnerable and out in the open, has fucked with my head more than I care to admit.
When Lay said she wanted to come back, I almost put my foot down and told her under no circumstances would we come back here. Jennings has proven he can get in here, get to her, and that’s something I can’t easily get past like the other two can. The only thing that stopped me was remembering the last time I tried to control Lay out of fear for her safety, it didn’t turn out well and made her push back against it harder. She’s tenacious, strong-willed, and assertive. Once she makes up her mind, there’s very little that can change her mind.
Pacing the kitchen for the hundredth fucking time, I try to calm myself the fuck down before any of the others catch on about how much this is bothering me. The last thing any of them need is my bullshit hang ups bringing them down. This is my problem to get under control, not theirs.
“Hey, Big Guy.” Lay walks into the kitchen, stopping abruptly when she catches sight of my face. “Hudson? What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I answer, trying my hardest to force a fake smile for her. “You finish unpacking?”
“You aren’t changing the subject, Hudson Riggs. What is going on?” Lay approaches, placing her hands on my arms and rubbing up and down gently. “Is it from being back here?”
“I’m just having a hard time with it,” I admit, dropping my gaze and breathing lightly to try to keep my shit together. “I want to protect you so badly, but being back here reminds me that I’ve already failed to do that. If he got in once, what’s to stop him from doing it again?”
“Shit, Riggs,” she curses, sliding her arms around my waist and hugging me tightly. Resting my chin on her head, I hold her back, relishing the feeling of her against me. “I am so sorry I forced you back here. I should have asked how everyone felt about it, but I was so selfishly wrapped up in my own head that I disregarded all of your feelings. What can we do? Do you want us to go to a hotel instead? Can I ease your worries in any way?”
“It’s okay, Lay. My feelings are mine to deal with, not anyone else’s. I could have refused to come back with you guys, but I didn’t want to be away from you.” I kiss her head, tightening my grip on her slightly. “You have the most trauma in this situation, and if being back here makes you feel like you’re standing up for yourself and taking back your life, I’m going to be right there with you. It just might take me a while to come to terms with how this place makes me feel now.”
“They’re your feelings, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t also important to me. We’re together, that means how you feel matters to me,” Lay murmurs, looking up at me so I can see how passionate she feels about this. “You matter to me. If I’m being selfish or unreasonable or you’re uncomfortable with something, I need you to tell me. It’s been a very long time since I’ve had to account for other people. I’ve grown used to being selfish and putting myself before everyone around me. However, I want to be different with all of you. I want to learn to rely on you and have you rely on me. You know, real couple shit.”
Chuckling softly, I bend down, resting my forehead against hers. “Okay, Lay. Let’s do real couple shit. I’m sorry for hiding how I felt about us coming back here. It makes me uncomfortable because I have this fear that if it happened once, it’ll happen again, and I won’t forgive myself if I fail to protect you again.”
“It’s not your job to protect me from a crazed psycho.” Lay moves away, jumping up on the counter to sit and opening her arms for me. “I know you feel the urge to protect those you care about with everything you have in you, but it’s not always going to be possible. You’re going to drive yourself insane trying to do it. You need to trust that we can also protect ourselves and remember that you are not responsible for the safety of everyone.”
“I just can’t lose anyone else like I lost Hannah and Dec,” I whisper, my voice cracking with the lump of emotion clogging my throat. “I should have protected them both better. If I had, they would still be here today. I can’t keep making that mistake over and over again. I refuse to lose someone else that I love.”
“You can’t put that on yourself, Hudson. The part you seem to be leaving out in all of these scenarios is the choices the other people made. You can’t control that no matter how much you want to,” Lay says, grabbing my face and making me look into her grey eyes swimming with tears. “Declan and Hannah made choices of their own accord, and there was nothing you could do to stop them. Don’t keep putting all of the pressure on yourself to be the saviour, it’s just setting yourself up for failure. Humans make choices, and those choices have consequences; it’s a fact of life and nothing you do will change that. It’s okay to want to keep your loved ones close and try to protect them as much as you can, but you can’t control everything. It’s a fool's hope to think otherwise.”
A choked sound comes from my throat, the feelings I’ve been trying so hard to shove down overflowing from me. Her words break the dam inside of me, my tears coming fast and heavy as I process just how much I’ve been bottling up since Hannah’s death. For years I’ve beaten myself up for not trying hard enough to stop her from getting in the car. The constant struggle to not check up on my mom and sister twenty four seven to make sure they’re safe and alive. It’s a fucking plague of my mind that I haven’t been able to shake.
Now with the guys and Lay, I can’t help thinking about what could happen while I’m at work or away from them for any reason. It took no time at all to lose track of Declan and have him take his own life. If I had tried harder to get him help, to get him to see how much life he had left to live, then he would be here. I didn’t protect him from any of it.
Choices. That’s exactly what I’ve been ignoring in all of this. People will always make their own choices, and no matter what path that leads them down, I can’t control it. This fear and anxiety surrounding me isn’t healthy. There’s no way to change the course of life or force someone to make a safer choice. All I can do is make sure the people I care about know how much they mean to me. My actions are the only ones within my control.
“I love you,” I breathe out, brushing the tears from both of our cheeks. “But I’m terrified of loving you because it makes the fear of losing you almost suffocating. It invades my every thought, consuming me to the point of obsession. The need to protect you from everything that could hurt you rides me so hard I can’t function until I find a solution. I can’t lose you, I just found you.”
“You aren’t going to lose me, Hudson. I’m here and I’m with you,” Lay reassures me with a light kiss on my cheek. “Don’t let the fear of what could happen keep you from being present with me.”
My hand moves to cup Lay’s cheek, my breath becoming shallow as I inch closer to kiss her. My insecurities and fears have been laid out for her, and instead of pushing me away, she helped me through it, her own tears falling on my behalf. This woman is far too good for me, but I won’t let that stop me from accepting the love and support she’s holding out for me. I’m going to show her just how amazing she is and how much I can’t live without her.
Our lips meet, the sudden heavy desire in the air pushing us to collide in an explosion of lust instead of a steady build up. My tongue finds hers, tangling together in a dance so erotic I can barely think with all the blood rushing to my cock. Picking Lay up, I wrap her hot, soft body around me, not bothering to break the kiss as I walk her to my bedroom, ready to be rid of these clothes and balls fucking deep inside her.
The walk to the bedroom is a haze, the kissing and her rubbing up against me is making it nearly impossible to think straight. The moment the door closes behind us, I toss Lay on my bed, our eyes connecting with enough heat to light the fucking house on fire.
Lay sits up, crossing her arms over her abdomen and grabbing the bottom of her tank top. She pulls it off in one smooth motion, baring her completely to me before moving down to slide off her shorts as well. The smooth movements have me entranced, the stunning, supple skin being exposed makes me want to kiss and nip every fucking inch of her. As soon as the shorts hit the ground, I’m moving towards her, yanking off my shirt and tossing it aside as I drop to my knees in front of her.
Grabbing her hips and pulling her to the edge of the bed, I smile up at her, enjoying the way she’s watching me with hooded, expectant eyes.
“Fuck, Lay,” I moan as I expose her wet folds, running a finger down her slit and lightly caressing her clit. “So fucking wet for me already, babe. I’m going to enjoy every second of tasting you.”
Blowing softly against her clit, I look her right in the eyes as I swipe my tongue up her pussy, nearly cumming at the taste of her arousal. Lay gasps, her hands gripping the edge of the bed harder with every flick of my tongue.
Taking my time, I worship every part of her wet center. Teasing her folds between my lips, I flick my tongue out, taking every last taste of her sweet arousal I can get. When she’s panting with need, I move to her clit, circling it with my tongue then sucking it into my mouth, finding that special movement that has Lay crying out, begging me not to stop. I repeat the sucking, Lay’s hands gripping into my hair and her body shaking as she chokes out a moan. Just a second longer and she explodes against me, her release coating my lips and chin, the extra wetness making me want to start all over again.
“Please,” Lay whimpers, pulling me up her body and kissing me hard. “Please, Hudson.”
“Please what, baby?” I tease, undoing my pants and shucking them off. Once they’re off, Lay rubs against me, her slickness sending a shiver of pleasure down my spine. Grabbing a condom from my side table, I quickly slide it on, done teasing her since I’m holding on by a fucking thread as is. Picking her up, I move us into the middle of the bed, setting her on my lap and sitting back on my heels.
“Fuck. Me.” Lay bites my earlobe, causing a moan to rumble from me.
