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Placing the stupid pink cap on the test, I put it on my purse and get myself cleaned up. Pissing on my own hand has made me even more frustrated and angrier than it should. At least it’s blocking out the anxiety for now. That is until I look back at the test and see the two pink lines that I never wanted to see. Breaking down, I sob, falling to my knees and holding my stomach.
This can’t be right. This can’t be fucking happening. Never in a million years did I picture myself as a mother. I have nothing to give a child except disappointment. There’s nothing in me worthy of being a mom. The guys would be amazing, each of them so kind and loving. This child deserves that, but they would also have to deal with me and I’m a piece of trash.So, what the fuck do I do now?
Chapter Twenty-One
Alayna
Walking back up to Juliette’s apartment with the positive pregnancy test burning a hole in my purse, I knock loudly on the door. Tapping my foot in anxiety, I look around, checking to make sure no one else is around. My eyes are red and puffy from crying, my hands shaking with fear.
Juliette swings open the door, taking one look at the state I’m in and dragging me inside her apartment. “Oh my god, Lay! Did something happen? Do I need to call the police or one of the guys? You look like you’ve been through hell.”
All I can do is shake my head and cry, my sobs silent as I take out the pregnancy test for her to see. The words flying through my head won’t come out, no matter how hard I try to push them out. Admitting to Juliette that I can’t be a mother feels too much like an admission of the failures I have as a person. Saying out loud how terrified I am to be going through this feels stupid.
“Oh, Lay. It’s okay,” Jules comforts me, pulling me into her arms and rubbing my back as I cry into her shoulder. “I had the same reaction when I found out I was pregnant with Daniella. Zach was constantly screaming at me for every little thing, we were broke as hell, and I thought that there was no way I could be a mom. I was scared out of my mind when those two lines showed up. With everything you’ve been through in your life up to this point, it’s normal to be freaked out by an unplanned pregnancy.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I whisper, wiping my eyes with my sweater sleeve. “I don’t know how I could be so stupid and let this happen. I was so caught up in loving them and finding this hidden side of me I didn’t know existed, that I forgot to be a responsible fucking adult and prevent pregnancy. No child would want me as their mother, I can’t even keep my shit together most of the time. The damage I would do to a child just by being their mom is—”
“Hey, no. Do not put yourself down like that, Lay. You have a very warped view of yourself. You struggle more with your mental health, sure, but you are one of the most put together people I know. You’re building a business from the ground up, for fuck’s sake!” Juliette throws her arms in the air, shaking her head at me. “Do you even realize how much you mother everyone you love? You take care of those men so well. You comfort and help me all the time. That’s being a mother. There’s no way you could damage the child when you throw your heart and soul into everything you do.”
Using my breathing exercises, I calm myself down enough to be able to use my logical brain instead of running purely on emotional responses. Juliette stands beside me, not saying anything, just silently supporting me.
“I’m not sure I’ll ever see what you apparently see in me,” I confess to Jules. Taking out my phone, I send a quick text to the group chat that I’m ready to come back. “This pregnancy doesn’t just affect me, though, it affects the guys as well. So while I don’t think I can do this, they deserve to be involved with the decision too. This is a fucking mess. Is it even responsible to be pregnant while being actively stalked by a serial killer?”
Jules laughs before covering her mouth with her hand. “I’m sorry, that’s not funny. It’s just one of those phrases you never expect to hear, you know?”
“It’s definitely a phrase I never thought I would say.” I laugh with her, dropping my chin to my chest. “Motherfucker, this conversation is going to suck.”
Juliette rubs my arm, sympathy written all over her face. “It might. Before you have it with them, you need to think long and hard about what you want to do and what you’re comfortable compromising on. Don’t let your fear do the talking, though, you need to push past that. You can do this, Lay. Let me know how it goes.”
“I will,” I murmur, tucking the pregnancy test back into my purse and checking my phone. Rhys said he was on his way about five minutes ago, which means I have another five minutes before I hide everything behind a mask.
Juliette gives me that time to myself, heading to the bedroom to grab Danni from her crib and get her changed. Leaning back onto the door, I search my mind for what I’m feeling past all the panic. It’s almost impossible to figure it out with how deep and vast the fear is inside of me. There’s so many thoughts running through my head, most of them about how there’s no way I can have a little person reliant on me.
Melinda is the only mother figure that I fully remember that wasn’t a complete waste of space. My memory of my real mother is fuzzy at best, although I do remember how much she loved me. Do I have the capacity to love a child? Yeah, I do. I just don’t know if I have the rest of it. There’s nothing about me that screams maternal. There’s nothing about me that’s good enough to pass onto a child of my own. I’m so fucking broken it’s not even funny. How can I give a child the mother it deserves when I’m a mere shell of who I should have been?
Rhys’heretext comes through, so I shut down my thoughts, blocking out everything and placing my mask of numbness over my features. It's not a skill I enjoy having, but it's one I've had to develop over the years. It probably won't fool any of the guys, but it should buy me enough time to figure out how to bring up the test. If they just think I'm burnt out and tired for a while, at least then I can get my thoughts in order before I break the news.
Sending Jules a quick text, I head to the front where Rhys is parked and jump in the car. He smiles at me, leaning in for a kiss but stopping when he gets a better look at my face. Giving him a peck on the lips, I buckle myself into the car and look ahead, not daring to say anything first.
"Lay? What's going on?" Rhys eventually asks, laying his hand over my own on the center console.
"Just still feeling exhausted still," I say, the white lie rolling off my tongue as smooth as butter. "I'm ready to get home."
Rhys takes the hint and fires up the engine. He looks over at me with concern one more time before reversing from the parking spot and heading towards home. He holds my hand the entire way, his gaze moving back to study me every now and then. Trying my best to play it cool, I smile weakly at him then spend the rest of the ride looking out my window. My facade is already feeling weak, and I've only been faced with one of the guys. The moment I see all three, I don't think I'm going to last.
This secret already feels like poison on my tongue, and if the antidote is telling them, I'm going to need to do it sooner rather than later. They don't deserve my secrecy and lies. They deserve so much better than me.
Riggs
The moment Lay and Rhys walk through the door, I already know something is wrong. Rhys is watching Lay like a hawk, waiting for her to slip up with something. He only ever does that when he knows someone lied to him and he's waiting to find out the actual truth. Lay looks like someone kicked her dog, but she's trying to hide how she feels. All of it has me instantly on edge and looking for whatever might be upsetting Lay.
"What happened?" I ask, startling Adam awake beside me. He pops up, taking in everybody's stance around him and sitting up straighter.
"Lay said she's just tired," Rhys speaks first, revealing the lie that he's trying to figure out. "Now I know that's crap and it's not the real reason, but Lay doesn't seem to be in a very forthcoming mood."
Lay whips around in shock, looking up at Rhys then back to Adam and I. She bites her lip, her eyes welling up with tears, and she seems to fight with herself over what to do. She knows she's been caught in a lie, and whatever she's hiding has her extremely upset. Lay being upset is too much for me, so I stand up and walk towards her, pulling her tight against me.
"What's going on, Lay? You can talk to us and tell us anything," I reassure her, kissing the top of her head. "Something has you really upset, and we can't help until we know what it is."
