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"I'm feeling a little confused about it all. The dynamics of raising a child together would be different since there's three of us who are in this relationship with Lay," Riggs explains, fiddling with his stretcher in his left ear. "Obviously, I'll support Lay in whatever she chooses to do, but I hope she decides to keep it. Lay doesn't see it, but fuck, she'd be a great mom. She sees her trauma as a disability in raising a child, but it doesn't have to be. Lay knows how a child should be loved and treated, simply because she never got it. I think she just needs to see past the fear."
Nodding along with his words, I fix my hair back into a bun and sit forward, resting my elbows on my knees. "That's pretty much exactly how I'm feeling." I laugh, dropping my head then looking back up. "At the end of the day this is Lay's decision, and I'll respect whatever she wants to do. I just also hope she wants to go on this journey with us. It's crazy, I never wanted a family before her. I wasn't even sure I wanted to fall in love. Then that fiery raven haired woman walked into our lives and turned everything on its head. I love her so fucking much, and all I want in life now is for her to be happy. She's scared right now, but I think she'll see her fear comes from the unknown, not because she's broken."
“I hope you’re right. Seeing her so hard and down on herself is killing me. I just want to fix it,” he mutters, pushing himself off the wall. “I think I’m going to grab a beer and maybe watch something in bed for a while.”
“Okay, man. I’ll throw some food together in case anyone wants to eat. Lay will need something to eat before she sleeps. I don’t want her going to bed hungry,” I explain, slapping my hands on my knees as I stand. My body is tense with the need to do something. Like Riggs, I want to fix this. Having this much anger and frustration in the house is setting me on edge. It feels like we're walking on eggshells right now, any mild misstep may change the course of our lives forever.
Riggs throws me a thumbs up, letting me know he'll probably grab something to eat after he's had time to process everything longer. Riggs is the internal suffering type. It takes a lot for him to ask for help, and he prefers to work through everything on his own. Adam is not likely to come out of his room until morning with how angry he is. He needs to blow off steam and anger away from everyone else or his anger will only simmer until it boils over and hurts others. I've been living with these guys for years, so I know how they both operate. The problem now is, I don't know how Lay does yet.
This situation falls out of the scope of possible reaction scenarios I've built in my head for Lay. The closest is how she reacted when she found out Dec was gone, but she's changed a lot since then. This is also not the death of a loved one, it's an unplanned pregnancy that's brought up some deep trauma triggers for her. She may react like she did when she heard it was Kevin Jennings stalking her, but it's not quite to that degree of a reveal. At least, I think it's not? Lay is a bit of a mystery to me still, and I'm having a hell of a time dealing with that right now.
In the kitchen, I pull out the ingredients for chicken fajitas and get to work. The monotonous chopping and frying is just mind-numbing enough for me to push my emotions aside and work through the information in a more analytical way. It's why I love to cook so much, the repetitive and busy tasks keep me moving so all I can do is focus on the facts. While working in law enforcement, I used to cook like crazy all the time, stocking the fridge with easy to grab leftovers for the others. They were weirded out at first, but after I mentioned it was therapeutic for me, they just accepted it and reaped the benefits.
Chopping up the peppers, I go over the things Lay was saying about herself and try to understand why she would be feeling that way. While Lay has her insecurities, the ones about being a failure and broken seem to be stronger than her others. She's never once judged any of us for dealing with our past trauma and mental health struggles. In fact, she's taken care of us and nurtured us through it. So then why is she suddenly terrified that she can't be a caring and loving mother? Lay is letting her past cloud who she is now, and it's making her completely block out any positives she sees in herself. It's not even just her past self that's clouding her either, but the people of her past she was forced to be around.
Once the chicken is cooked, I toss in the peppers and let them go for a bit. Placing the tortillas in the preheated oven, I get some condiments ready and send a text to Lay first, asking what she likes on her fajitas. Once the peppers are at a tender crisp, I add the seasoning and simmer it as I pull out the warmed tortillas and place them on the counter.
Lay pokes her head around the corner of the kitchen, catching me off guard at her sudden appearance. Moving the pan off the burner, I turn to her with a smile. “It smells good.” She walks in slowly, looking around the room for anyone else.
“Thanks. It’s just the two of us in here,” I assure her, opening my arms for her to come in for a hug. Lay walks into my arms without hesitation, the simple gesture calming the fears I didn’t even realize I had. “The other two are in their rooms, cooling down and thinking about everything. What do you want on your fajitas, my love?”
Lay looks up at me, her grey eyes swimming with tears. “I love you. I’m sorry this is all so chaotic. I never meant to make your lives harder.”
“No, Lay. You haven’t made our lives harder in any way.” Kissing her forehead, I hug her harder. “You don’t even realize how much joy you’ve brought us. We were simply moving through the motions of daily life before you, none of us really having anything to look forward to. I thought I was destined to be a bachelor forever because the thought of truly loving someone was not worth dredging up the fear of never being enough. You blew all of that out of the water. You instantly showed me I was enough and had me wrapped around your finger within days. Now it’s my time to show you that you are enough. For me. For Adam and Riggs. And if you want to keep it, our baby.”
“How do you know?” she whispers, gripping my shirt tightly in her fists. “How can you know that I’ll be enough?”
“Because you already are. Lay, you are one of the most kind-hearted, caring, and loving individuals I have ever met. You are already putting this child above yourself by worrying so much about whether you would be a good mom or not,” I explain, running my hand through the back of her black hair. “Your c-PTSD is being triggered because you care so much. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be fretting and freaking out about this so much. You are worthy of being a mom, and you are enough for this child.”
“I’m not ready to make a decision yet,” Lay mumbles, letting go of me and wiping her eyes. “I still need time.”
“That’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to make a decision right now. I just wanted to make sure you knew that if fear is the only thing holding you back, don’t let it. Enough of that, though. Let’s get you some food,” I smile, grabbing her a plate and adding two tortillas to it.
We work together, getting her a plate all made up, and then I send her back to my room to watch a movie by herself. As much as I would love to sit and talk to Lay, she needs time to herself right now, and I need to respect that. After she’s comfortably back in my room, I text the other two that dinner is done and sit at the table to eat. Unsurprisingly, Adam doesn’t want any, but Riggs comes out and grabs a plate of food.
The house is quiet as I clean up, the lights mostly out and the TV off. There’s a loneliness to silence that there never used to be. Since Lay moved in with us, we don’t have nights where we all disappear on each other like we used to. When Declan was here, we had nights we all hung out, but for the most part we all had our own shit going on. With Lay, we always want to be around her which means being around each other. Lay brought us together as a true family.
The silence is too much for me tonight, the house far too still and oppressive. Throwing on a jacket and shoes, I step outside, breathing in the cool, fall night air. Outside is a calm kind of quiet, the backyard peaceful after how tense the house has been. I’m happy Lay and I could talk away from the others, but I still need the other two to come out of this as well. It’s our first big fight, and I know we can be okay if everyone just puts their egos aside.
The crickets quiet down suddenly, a rustle in the grass beside the house is the only thing I can hear. Standing up from my spot on the deck steps, I walk down slowly, careful not to spook whatever animal is out right now. Skunks and raccoons are always out and about around here, trying to find garbage to get into. Normally, they run at the sound of people, but this one seems persistent.
The moment I round the corner, I realize my mistake. Coming outside without telling anyone where I am and not carrying any protection on me are the biggest mistakes I could have made. In the blur of tonight’s events, I managed to forget all about Lay’s stalker who just so happens to want to get rid of me and the other two.
“Well, well. I found a live one!” Kevin Jennings steps forward, twirling a knife between his hands with a crazy smile on his face. His dark brown hair hangs in greasy locks over his forehead. His brown eyes are bloodshot with a deep red scar cutting underneath his right eye. When he opens his mouth to speak, his teeth look yellow, the canines long and sharp. “You should know better than to be out at night by yourself. Although, I sure am glad you are. It’s about time I rid myself of your annoying interference.”
Watching his every move, I refuse to engage verbally with him and simply wait for an opening to take him down. My phone is sitting inside on the counter with no way for me to get to it without having him chase me into the house where the others are. If I yell, there’s a chance Lay could come running, and then he has her right where he wants her. I can’t take that chance, not with Lay and the baby’s lives on the line. The only way I’m getting out of this is if I take him down with me.
“Cat got your tongue, pig?” Kevin taunts, baring his teeth at me and dancing back and forth on his feet. “Don’t worry, I’ll cut that off for you along with every other detachable part of your body. Do you think Lay would love it if I gave you to her all wrapped up nicely in a bag? Pieces fit so much better than a whole body does.”
“You’re fucking disgusting,” I grimace, walking slowly backwards with my hands up. “I think we’d all like it if you would go to hell where you belong.”
Kevin laughs, his eyes widening as he stares me down. A moment too late I see him lunge, his knife glinting in the moonlight as it comes straight for me. Swinging a fist out, I clip him in the side of the head, knocking him off balance enough that his knife just grazes my stomach instead of impaling it. His angry growl comes a second before he slams the knife down on the side of my face.
Black spots cover most of my vision, my swings coming out more and more erratic and off-balance with every swing. The next hit I take, I feel the cold steel slice down my cheek then a blinding hit to my temple, knocking me onto the grass. Blood pours down my head, covering every inch of exposed skin with the hot, sticky liquid. Opening my eye that isn’t swollen, I see his boot come down, kicking me directly in the nose and spraying my blood across the grass. Unconsciousness drags me under, my last thoughts a blur of her, my sweet, beautiful Alayna.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Alayna
