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WatchingLaysleepinthe hospital bed, I fight back the urge to wake her up and beg for forgiveness after I let her down as badly as I did. I told her she could rely on me. I told her I would be there for her.
I wasn't.
I wasn't there.
She fucking needed me and I wasn't there for her.
When I got to the hospital Thursday morning, I thought there was no way I could feel any more guilt than I already did. Forty eight hours later, I can confidently say I was so fucking wrong. The pain and fear I watched her go through as the doctor's tried and failed to stop her body from going through labour will be forever seared into my mind. To know she went through some of that alone as she tried to reach out to me and I wasn't there, is a level of gut-wrenching guilt that I didn't even know existed.
Adam and Hudson are with the twins now in the NICU while I watch our girl so she doesn't have to be alone again. Wyatt Declan and Avery Hannah were both born extremely healthy for being a little over six weeks premature. Wyatt was born at four pounds, five ounces and Avery was born at four pounds, two ounces. They'll need some time in the NICU to finish developing their lungs before we can take them home. Thankfully, it's more common with twins to be born premature since they lack the space to grow that a singular baby would have had.
Lay did absolutely incredible during the delivery. She truly is the strongest person I have ever met. Despite her fear, she stayed strong and courageous throughout the entire delivery. Watching her hold the twins for that brief moment after they were born was the happiest I think any of us have ever felt.
If only the cloud of shame and guilt pressing down on me would stop ruining these moments.
Lay shifts in the bed, her sleepy grey eyes blinking open towards me. She reaches out her hand, the bruising from the IV so dark against her pale skin. Grabbing her outstretched hand, I kiss the bruise gently and move closer to her.
"You're still here," she whispers softly.
"I'm never leaving your side again," I reply, kissing her forehead and running my thumb across her cheek. "Except maybe to go see our sweet babies, but even then, I'd like to take you with me."
Lay smiles at me sweetly. "I'd like that. I hope they can come home with us soon."
"I do, too. The doctors seem hopeful it'll only be two weeks tops in the NICU, but probably less. They're both already so strong, just like their mom."
Lay's face drops at that, her eyes going glassy. "I don't feel very strong. How can I be strong when I'm so completely terrified?" She laughs, yet the sound is haunted and filled with pain. "I'm so scared, Rhys. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to be a mom. There's two beautiful little babies in the NICU and I haven't the faintest fucking idea how to take care of them."
Cupping her face, I wipe the tears falling down her cheeks. "That's normal, Lay. No parent knows exactly what they're doing the moment they become a parent," I reassure her. "We're all going to fumble a little at the beginning, but we'll fumble together. We're a team. A family. We will get through the unknowns and the difficult times together. You won't be doing this on your own. What one of us struggles with, another will succeed."
"Do I? Do I really have all of you with me?"
Lay's questions are just words, but they may as well have been knives with how deeply they've cut into my chest. I start crying before I can stop myself, the overwhelming shame is too much to hide.
"Yes, Lay. You have us," I declare, holding her hands. "I am so sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I should have been, but I let you down and I will live with that regret for the rest of my life. Not a day will go by that I won't wish I quit that fucking job sooner. That is my shame and my burden to bear. But with that, I'll spend every day making it up to you. You won't ever wonder if I'll be there cause the moment you do, is the moment I've stopped breathing. You have me. All of me. Forever, whether you like it or not."
"You quit your job?" Lay pushes up into a sitting position then winces. Grabbing the button, I adjust her bed until she can sit up with the proper support.
"I did," I answer once she's situated. "I sent a resignation email the moment I knew you were okay. I don't want to miss anything with you or our family. I want to be there for all the moments, big and small. That job didn't have an off switch, and that doesn't work for me."
The smile that Lay gives me is so bright, I can't help but lean in and kiss her. She kisses me back, holding my face against hers and showing me just how much my quitting means to her.
"There's an opening at the bar for a partner to the owner," Lay teases between kisses. "I'd love it if you would help me with that. I'm a new mom and I could really use a second set of hands to help with hiring, security, and well, all of it."
"It would be an honour," I reply, smiling and nuzzling into her neck. "When can I start?"
“As soon as we get home from the hospital,” Lay answers. “It’ll be double duty. Bar manager and Dad. Can you handle that?”
Laughing, I nod my head. “Not only can I handle that, it’s my dream. To be a partner in the bar and a loving dad at home. I want you and our family. I want this life together.”
“Good, ‘cause I want it too,” Lay murmurs and rests her head against my hand.
Riggs and Adam walk in, smiling from ear to ear and talking about the babies. Lay’s smile brightens then dims, as her eyes move from Adam to Riggs. Riggs also seems to be in the doghouse and if I had to guess why, it’s all the disappearing he’s been doing. I was working insane hours and even I noticed he was being dodgy about where he was going and why he was constantly gone.
Moving out of the way so as not to hog Lay, I make sure to interrupt their excited whispers with a stray, fake cough to point out our girl is up.
“You’re awake!” Adam walks over to the bed and sits in the spot I just vacated. "How are you feeling?"
Lay sways her head back and forth in a so-so manner. "I'm okay. I'm sore and exhausted, but I don't feel as bad as I thought I would after bringing two new humans to life."
