AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Jennifer’s face paled and she pursed her lips. She took me by the hand and sat me down on the couch. A caring expression appeared on her face and she looked at me with sympathy. “I’m sorry for what happened. You know I am, and you know I’ll never forget what he did to you.” My arms subconsciously wrapped around my body, rubbing my forearms. My skin was unblemished, but every time I looked down I could feel the bruises of where he’d grabbed me. “But I’m just trying to help you move forward in life. Not every guy is like Andy, and you can’t expect everyone to fit into the little box you have in your mind. I’m worried that if you don’t come to terms with that, you’re never going to be satisfied and you’re just going to end up alone.”
“Is that the worst thing in the world?” I asked, my voice cracking with emotion. My head dipped and Jennifer’s hand caressed my back. I could feel tears stinging my eyes, but I told myself I wasn’t going to let myself cry. Not again. I’d already wasted too many tears on the trauma, spent too much emotion on the pain.
“Yes, it is,” Jennifer replied softly. Her voice was as gentle as a floating cloud. “I know that it’s scary to put yourself out there again. I know that you feel vulnerable, but you’re too good of a person to be locked in here. I hate that fear is ruling your life. It doesn’t have to be this way. Believe me…when I was younger my uncle committed suicide. He died alone, all alone, and that cut to the core of me. I hated the idea of him having nobody around when he decided to end his life, and I knew I didn’t want that to happen to anyone else I loved. That’s the whole reason why I want to get married and have a family. Life has a way of drifting by, if we don’t take advantage of the opportunities that it gives us. And, yeah, maybe you won’t meet the love of your life at a bar, but it might help you get used to being with people again. It’ll help build your confidence, as well.”
“I’m not ready,” I whimpered.
“You’re never going to be if you don’t push yourself. Come on, let’s get ready. You’ll feel better when you’re in something pretty, and I’m going to be with you every step of the way tonight. I won’t let anything happen to you. You know you’re safe with me.”
I smiled at her and wiped my eyes, glad that I hadn’t bawled in front of Jennifer again. She was the only person in my life to see me at my weakest and stick around. I trusted her implicitly, and it was these moments that defined our friendship, not the bickering or the rolling eyes. She took me to my room and flung open my wardrobe, searching for something that would make me look stylish. Most of my clothes were different shades of black. I had few outfits that were suitable for what Jennifer was looking for, but as prepared as she always was, she had brought some of her own clothes.
“This really isn’t me,” I said, as I looked through what she offered.
Jennifer clasped my hand. “Don’t you think that, perhaps, for this night at least, it might be better if you tried being someone else?”
There was certainly some wisdom to her words and I found myself ruminating on them. One of my problems, was that I always got lost in my own mind and my labyrinthine thoughts often led me to dark places where I dwelt on things I perhaps shouldn’t have. So, playing the part of an outgoing socialite did hold some appeal, even though I didn’t think I would be able to give a convincing or captivating performance, but there was a part of me that was tired of always complaining and feeling sad. The scars that Andy had left were etched deep into my heart and soul, and it was too easy to be ruled by them. Maybe Jennifer was right and I shouldn’t let him win.
I looked through the dresses, skirts, and tops that Jennifer had brought with her. Many of them were far too skimpy for me; I had a petite figure but I wasn’t confident enough to show off too much skin.
“Are you sure you want to wear stuff like this?” I asked skeptically, looking at a piece of cloth that was called a dress, but barely seemed as if it would be able to stretch around our bodies. Jennifer and I were of similar build, although she was a little curvier and her hair was longer and thicker. She also used more makeup than I did.
Jennifer snatched the garment from me and tilted her head back, lifting her nose into the air. “Stuff like this, is the way we set ourselves apart from all the other women.”
“But it’s so skimpy. Don’t you feel weird wearing it? Almost like you’re putting yourself on display?”
“That’s exactly what we’re doing. That’s how all of this works. Everything we do puts ourselves on display, whether it’s in a club, or at work, or anywhere else. We want other people to notice us.”
“But doesn’t it make you feel kind of…cheap?” I scrunched up my face in confusion. Jennifer just laughed.
“Not at all. There’s nothing cheap about these clothes, let me tell you that. Why would it be cheap?”
“I don’t know…because people are just going to pay attention to what you’re wearing and how much skin you’re showing rather than actually getting to know you. Don’t you want someone to like you for your personality rather than your body?”
“Ideally, I’d like both but on nights like these, all that matters is animal instinct, because deep down that’s all we are. We might have come a long way from when we were sitting in our caves, grunting at each other, but we haven’t come that far. Most of our communication is still non-verbal and attraction is more about the physical than anything else. I want people to look at me. I want them to see me and choose me over anyone else. There’s no shame in that. It makes the whole thing easier and more honest, as well.”
“More honest?” I frowned, unsure what she meant by this.
“Hell yes, it’s more honest! If you don’t speak to each other you can’t lie to each other. You can’t deceive each other. There’s only the pure truth of two bodies, two souls drawn to each other, pulled together by invisible forces, and nothing and nobody can stop them. It’s electric and warm, and then when you finally get your hands on each other, the rest of the world just melts away and there’s nothing left for you to do but enjoy it. In fact, sometimes it’s ruined when you do speak. It’s all about the feelings. That’s the most powerful thing, this animal instinct that rules us. Thinking just gets in the way.”
I gave her a slight nod and considered her words. There was some wisdom to them, in a weird, twisted way. I knew how insidious lies could be and maybe if I just went by the feelings in my body, I might not have been left so distraught and ruined by Andy. God, just thinking about him brought all the bad feelings back and, suddenly, I wanted to hit out at him. I wanted to prove to him that I wasn’t the delicate, fragile little flower he accused me of being.
“Okay Jennifer. You’ve got me. It’s time for me to fight back.” I rifled through the outfits she had brought and found the most suitable one. I was ready for anything. I was ready for this to be the first night of the rest of my life.
Chapter Two
I ended up staying with something black. It wrapped around my body and the edges were curved, like waves cutting across my thighs and my chest. It didn’t reveal any in
timate areas of my body, but it was designed in such a way to give the illusion of exposing a lot. As such, I felt self-conscious when I stepped out of my apartment, but Jennifer assured me, that feeling would go away as soon as I had some alcohol in me.
I was 23, but my life had never been one that revolved around getting drunk and partying. I was always a quiet person, and I could count the times I’d been drunk on one of my hands. In Jennifer’s company, I felt a little better, and talking about Andy had helped me remember that she was my friend rather than my rival, even though it had seemed that way recently, since we had been going for the same promotion. We ran downstairs and got in the taxi. I didn’t want there to be any awkwardness between us, so as soon as we got in and Jennifer told the driver where to go I leaned over and placed a hand on her arm. Jennifer was wearing a red top that sparkled with gold whenever light hit it, as though stars were dancing over her body. Once again I would pale in her shadow and all the attention would be on her, but that was exactly how she liked it, and how I liked it too.
“I just wanted to say congratulations again for the promotion. You’ve been working hard and you deserved it.”
“Thanks,” Jennifer said. “I felt bad because it was the two of us going against each other. If there was any way for us to share it, I would much rather have done that than taken the promotion myself, but I know that if you go for the next one you’ll get it. You just need to make a bit more of an impression.”
“I know, but that’s always been my downfall hasn’t it? I never stand out from the crowd,” I said, although I wished that I hadn’t stood out from the crowd when Andy had seen me. Panic flooded my mind again, as I worried that the same thing would happen again. I gripped Jennifer’s arm tightly and she took it as a sign of friendship. I didn’t reveal the real reason, not wanting to worry her any more than she already was. This was supposed to be her night and the last thing she needed was to feel like she had to babysit me. I was an adult, and if I couldn’t survive one night at a club, then what hope was there for me surviving the rest of my life?
The taxi drove us through the glittering lights of the city. The sky was dark and the stars were imperceptible, as the glow from the bars was overpowering. People milled about on the sidewalks, as though they had been poured from a bottle. They all seemed to know each other, and it was as though they were a part of some secret club in which I hadn’t been included. I stepped out of the taxi and smoothed down my outfit, adjusting my bag so that it sat in front of me. I didn’t want to risk anyone trying to slip their fingers into my purse and stealing my wallet. Jennifer linked arms with me and we walked towards the bar. I swallowed my nerves. It was in these rare moments when I wished I was more like Jennifer. She so easily fit into this world. She walked with grace and there was no sense of awkwardness around her, as though she had been born to live in this world. It was her natural habitat, whereas I felt like an imposter.
