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“You’re lucky you know me so well,” Jennifer said. One aspect of our friendship I was proud of, was that we could let past enmities go, even if they were still raw. Of course, it did require some kind of effort from the side of the guilty party, and in this case, I had probably lost what right I had to a turnabout favor from Jennifer. There would be no subjecting her to a festival of foreign films this time, I thought, wistfully.
“I am, really, sorry. I don’t know what came over me, I just got so frustrated, but you were right,” I said, and told her about what happened with Howie. Jennifer’s head bowed and she licked her lips.
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” she said.
“It wouldn’t have, if I had listened to you. I’m the one that should be sorry. And about all that stuff I said…”
“No, Ellie, you have a point,” Jennifer held up her hand to interrupt me. “I know that sometimes, I can be difficult to handle, and maybe, I like the spotlight too much, but that’s as far as it goes. I would never, steal a man from you and I wouldn’t steal a job either. And to be honest, Ellie, it really hurt my feelings when you said what you did. I know that it might not seem like I work as hard as you, but I do. I’ve worked damned hard at this job, and going for this promotion wasn’t some kind of vanity project. I thought I deserved it, so I went for it, and I think it’s unfair of you to say that I only got it because I’m friendly and charming. That stuff just helps me get noticed, but after that they looked at the substance of my work. That’s what really counts. And I know you think that if all things were equal you would have gotten my promotion, but,” she drew in her breath sharply. “I wasn’t sure if I should tell you this or not, but damn it, I might as well…I asked them about you in the meeting when they told me I was getting the promotion. I knew how much it would mean to you, so I asked if it was even close, or if they could work something out where we shared this role.”
“You did?” I asked. I had never expected her to say that. I hadn’t asked them about Jennifer, and suddenly, I felt like a bad friend.
“Yes, I did. And I hate to tell you this, but they only gave you a chance as a courtesy, because you’ve been here long enough to deserve it. They said that you don’t have what it takes for this role, that you’re not strong enough or decisive enough. They said that you don’t have the determination, or the tenacity, or any of the other qualities that they’re looking for. I wish I had better news to tell you, but I think you’d get the same response if you went for another promotion…unless you start to change the way you work. I’m giving you this advice as a friend and a colleague, and I don’t mean to be mean about it, but this is just what you need to know to improve your standing at work.”
I sat there, and felt as though I was getting a school report, being told of all my flaws, having to scrutinize them, and worry about them, and wonder how in the world I was going to fix them. My head dropped, and a sick feeling coiled in my stomach. What if I wasn’t good enough? Maybe I had been deluding myself, and I would never be able to be anything more than what I was.
“Thanks for telling me, Jennifer,” I said, in a small voice. Jennifer smiled, sympathetically, at me.
“I’m sorry you had to hear it like this, from me, but maybe it’s for the best that you know now. And it’s always good to have a friend in a higher place. I’ll put in a good word where I can.”
“I appreciate it,” I said, although I didn’t feel much like taking any charity. “I think I’d better be getting back to work now,” I said, wanting to retreat from there as fast as possible. Jennifer understood. I knew we’d be good friends again, I just wished that we didn’t have this work tension between us, either.
I settled back at my desk and noticed the environment was different than it had been previously. People were friendlier towards me and they teased me about how I’d made out with that random guy. Thankfully, nobody referenced the argument that I and Jennifer had had. I appreciated her discretion, it was just something else I owed her for. I took their jests in good humor, feeling happy to be part of the group, and as I looked up at Jennifer in her office, I realized that she was the one separated and isolated now, and perhaps, the promotion hadn’t been as much of a blessing as it seemed, as Jennifer always enjoyed spending time with her friends.
My colleagues told me that they were going to go to the Blue Lagoon again the following week, and that I should go with them. When I’d agreed to go with Jennifer, I had made it clear that it was a unique occasion and wouldn’t happen again, but after spending time in the club, I felt an urge to return. It was a magical place, where time seemed to flow differently. Hours passed in the blink of an eye, and some moments seemed like days. But most of all, I wanted to see Rick and Dalton again. After having a night to ruminate on my encounter with them, I had decided that they were most intriguing, and I wanted to discover all I could about them. They had a bond, that was clear by looking at them. They belonged at each other’s side, as though they had always been there and always would, and I was curious to know what experiences had led them to form such a bond. They’d also been so quick to come to my defense, as well, and they’d remembered my name. I couldn’t believe that I had stood out among the crowd of beautiful women that had walked through their gates, yet I didn’t feel as though they had been feeding me lines, or trying to hit on me either. They had simply been polite and nice, without any pretense as to their expectations.
But there was one thing that lingered in my mind, and that was Howie’s reaction while he was wrestling me towards the wall. At the time, I had been so frightened I hadn’t thought anything of it, but on reflection, his reaction struck me as odd. The things he had said…he’d seemed surprised when they’d appeared. No, not just surprised, but shocked, as though he was seeing something that he’d never seen before. While Rick and Dalton were intimidating men, they were just bouncers after all, and the sight of the two of them shouldn’t have provoked that kind of reaction, but when I had looked up, there was nothing else but them. It was quite a puzzle. Perhaps I was looking into it too much, and shouldn’t put any stock in what a man like Howie had said, but I was entertained by the little mystery it provided, so I found myself saying that, yes, I would return to the Blue Lagoon.
*
But, before that happened, I had plenty to think about. What Jennifer had revealed, stung me at first. I hated to think that anyone would judge me so harshly for being myself, especially to one of my co-workers. My yearly evaluation was coming up and I was determined to prove them wrong. I wanted to show them that I was deserving of moving up the company ladder, because, really, at that stage in my life, I didn’t have anything else to focus my energies on. I was sick and tired of getting left behind, sick and tired of feeling as though I didn’t matter. Even though this job wasn’t my dream job, I wanted to be good at it. I wanted to make something of myself and feel proud of something, so I threw myself into my work with abandon.
I shot off emails like wildfire and harassed people on the phone to hurry, hurry, hurry. I tapped away at the keyboard until the tips of my fingers ached and I scurried around the office gathering photocopies to hand out and, by the end of it, I was completely exhausted. I didn’t understand how Jennifer could do this every day and still feel well-rested, and it made me understand why so many people were happy just to get through the day and numb themselves by partying through the night. It seemed like an endless cycle, and I knew there had to be more to it than I was currently experiencing, but I wasn’t sure how to get the most out of life.
But I did know one thing; it was time for a change. I had spent plenty of time thinking about Andy and it hadn’t gotten me anywhere. Holding up my life, while haunted by what he had done to me, didn’t do me any good and it wasn’t going to change until I made it change. I had to force myself into a new way of thinking to get anywhere and, although it was difficult, I had to force myself to do it.
&n
bsp; Over that week, there were moments where I didn’t think I could do it. Where I doubted myself and had that nagging voice in my head that told me I was worthless and hopeless, and would never amount to anything, but I fought through it. I shielded myself against that voice, taking a moment to take a deep breath before I did anything else.
Things with Jennifer improved, as well. We went out for lunch one day. She was eager to catch up on all the gossip she’d missed, although, unfortunately, I wasn’t able to help her out, since I had been so busy, and I never really paid attention to all that stuff anyway.
“How is the new job working out?”
Jennifer shrugged and was a little blasé about the whole thing, which annoyed me, because she knew how much it had meant to me and how wounded I had been that the promotion hadn’t been mine.
“It’s not as exciting as I thought it would be. I miss being with everyone. It’s so quiet in my office and I don’t have enough work to keep me occupied the entire day. I end up playing solitaire or surfing Facebook, most of the time.”
“Well, that just makes me feel great, slaving away as I do,” I smirked. It helped to make light of the situation and I owed her the support of a good friend. We were both surprised when I mentioned the Blue Lagoon and how I was going to go there again, because Jennifer hadn’t been invited.
“I’m sure they just haven’t gotten around to it, or they assumed that you’d hear it from me,” I said.
“No, I don’t think that’s it at all. It’s different now. I’ve felt the change around the office. People aren’t the same with me. Whenever I come out of my office to talk with them, the conversation fades. I think, in their eyes, I’m a sell-out. I’ve become corporate and they can’t trust me anymore. I’m not one of them anymore. I never really thought it would change this much.”
“I guess there’s a period of adjustment for everyone, but it’ll get better, and the extra pay must be nice to make up for it.”
“Yeah, but sometimes I wish things didn’t have to change as much as they did. I’m amazed that you want to go back to the Lagoon after what happened the other night. Did you enjoy it that much?”
I blushed a little. I hadn’t told anyone else the real reason why I was so adamant on going back to the club. “I mean, it wasn’t the best night ever, but you were right, in that it helped shake my life up and, maybe, that’s something I could use. Being out around all those people, reminded me how big the world is. Not every man can be like Andy. There have to be some good ones out there.”
