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I agreed and she went to the nursing station and told someone there that she would be back in a little while. Something came up and it was me. Jackie’s blonde hair wasn’t the right color, but the knowing look she was giving me was just what I needed.
* * *
Driving homeI was all over the place. I felt better, my body felt more relaxed, and at least now I didn’t feel like I was coming out of my skin. That was a definite improvement, even though that was pretty sad. I was still thinking about Amber in my arms when I’d helped her to the car and drove her home. I could still feel her lips that she had pressed against mine, starting something that we couldn’t finish.
Now, I had to face her. I didn’t know how to act. I wanted to kiss her, that’s all I wanted to do, but that would just make things worse. Jackie was supposed to make me feel better, but it had only whetted my appetite for the main dish. Jackie wasn’t it. She was just the appetizer, and I was still hungry.
When I got in the house, I forgot that Amber wasn’t in there. She was in the pool house, or somewhere else. I had so expected her to be there, and she wasn’t. The house was empty, and I walked into the backyard. I hoped that she would be there, and I saw her as soon as I turned the corner. Amber was swimming and I timed out about the time she was coming out of the water. All of her body was on display, and I sucked in a breath. I couldn’t breathe. Amber wasn’t wearing what she usually wore. I think I had been looking for a sign, but damn if I was able to handle it.
Amber wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothing. I stood there in the shadows for a time, not sure what to do with myself. Did she think that I wouldn’t be here and that’s why she was like that, or did she know that I would find her this way? I had come home early, but not by much. I would have been home in about a half an hour.
I didn’t know which way to take it, my confidence shot. I had turned her away earlier in the day, so why was I so jacked up about it? It’s not like it was going to do me any good or anything like that.
Before I could make a decision one way or another, her cellphone rang, and she answered it. She was out of the water, turned toward me, but having a heated conversation with someone else.
“I told you, I don’t want to see you again.”
She bit her lip and then looked off toward my right.
“We broke up, remember?”
Whatever the guy said next, Amber just agreed with it and said that she would see him in a little while.
“Just pick me up out front. I will give you the address.”
Amber hung up and started to get dressed. I was standing there hard and broken. Amber was meeting another man, so soon after our kiss. I thought of Jackie, and it made me feel worse. What if she was going to work some steam off, just like I had? I sure the hell didn’t like the thought of that.
13
Amber
Tommy wasn’t the person that I wanted to see, but he was the one that wanted to see me. After Frank took off the way he did, he left me with a lot of unresolved issues. I didn’t know what I was thinking when I told Tommy that I would meet him out front, but I did. I had already given him the address and though it felt wrong on so many levels, there was another part of me that was happy to see him. I knew what Tommy wanted, he was easy enough to understand and unlike Frank, Tommy would not play hard to get.
I was nervous because I hadn’t seen him in months, not since we broke up and I had the accident. It was also that long since I’d been with anyone romantically, which was first and foremost on my mind because of the state I was in. I had no guess as to what I wanted and what I was doing. I knew exactly where my priorities lied. They lied with getting this feeling out of me and satisfaction that was needed desperately.
When I saw him, it was good to see his face and I liked it that I knew what he was thinking and what was behind the smile that ran across his expression. Tommy wasn’t complicated and though he wasn’t very smart either, the simplicity to it all was what drew me in. I liked that I didn’t have to question everything with him. He would show me what I needed to see, make me feel the way I wanted to feel, and then I wouldn’t have to worry about anything else.
Tommy moved in for a kiss, right off the bat. I let him kiss me for a moment, but I didn’t let it linger very long. We had a lot to talk about and none of it had to do with that. My body was down for it, but I wasn’t going to let it go that quickly. I knew what could happen if something went wrong. We’d broken up before.
“It’s good to see you.”
“It’s good to see you, Tommy. I was wondering if I would get to talk to you again.”
His face changed and he looked at me solemnly. “You don’t know this, but I checked in on you after it first happened. You were so out of it. You didn’t look like yourself. I didn’t think you were going to make it.”
“Well, I did.”
“You look good, like it never happened. Are you alright?”
He was concerned, I could see it on his face, and that warmed my heart. It was good to know that he cared, still. I cared about him too. It was just not working between the two of us. It wasn’t like I didn’t like him or have real feelings for him, but I had walked away pretty easily, and I was probably just looking at him right now because I needed something to take me out of the slump I was in with Frank. I knew that and felt a rush of guilt. Tommy really cared about me, and I was using him to make myself feel better after Frank turned me down.
“Yeah, I am. I had to have some things fixed, but it’s all good now.”
He was relieved. I had left out most of it. It wasn’t ‘all good’, I didn’t know if I would ever be the same again. The alternative though, the what-if that I had become intimate with months ago, made it easier than ever to be happy and feel gratitude for what did still work.
The look in his eyes changed and he was roaming my body with his glance. Tommy pulled away and asked what I was doing there at Frank’s house.
“It’s my new job.”
