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By the time the coffee was done, Beatrice was coming into the room with a shy smile on her face. She didn't know how to act, and it was just as well, because I didn't either. I knew that there was something great going on here, but it was also something that was hard to put into words. Maybe the fear was if we put it into words, then it would change. Then I would lose her. I didn't know why she came up here out of the blue last night, didn't know what was going through her mind or what she planned next, but none of that mattered. They were details that could be worked out later.
I decided that we needed to do the talking that we claimed we needed to do. “So, what made you come up here?”
Beatrice stirred her coffee and smiled. “You know, I just thought that I should come say hello.”
“Was that the kind of hello that you had been expecting?” I asked.
Beatrice shook her head and said that she hadn't been expecting anything.
“I find that hard to believe.”
“Why?”
“I don't know, I don't know much about anything that's going on. This was not something that I saw coming.”
Beatrice scoffed. “Well, you need to catch up. It isn't something that's happening, it’s something that's already happened.”
“I think we need to keep it from your brother, until we figure out what's going on.”
“What do you mean, what's going on? We had some fun, there is nothing to figure out.”
She was acting like it was just a one-night stand, and I didn't know if that's something that she did when she was in the city, pulling back and becoming someone else, but I wasn't down for her doing it now. We were in it together now, and I wasn't going to let her pretend that it was something that it wasn't. There was something real here, it wasn't fake, it wasn't made up. I wasn't going to let her try and downplay it. It would be such a waste to do so.
“I think it was a little bit more than that.”
“I don't, and it can’t be, so there is no sense in worrying about the strings. It was fun. I was really in need of some attention, and you had just what I was looking for. I’m sure you got something great out of it as well. You seemed ecstatic last night, so why does it have to be anything more than that?”
“Because it's us. Because we have history, because I feel something for you that I have never felt for anybody before, Beatrice. I can't just pretend that this was just a one-night stand. This was something more for me.”
Beatrice bit her lip and looked up at me. “I don't really know what this is for me yet. Let's not make it into some huge deal though. And of course, we're not going to tell Lester. He would not handle it good at all. He’d do exactly what he did before. So, let's just keep it between us for a little while, not make a big deal about it.”
I could read between the lines. She was letting me down gently and I didn’t like it at all. The fear that I had waking her up was true. I saw then where this was all going.
“You're going to leave, aren't you?”
She agreed that she had to go, had to make up an excuse about why she was leaving. I had things to do as well, but I would have canceled any of the obligations I had to spend more time with her. That was probably the difference. I think I wanted her just a little bit too much. It was uneven, I knew that much, and I knew that that's when things became complicated, when it was unbalanced. Her trying to play it off like it was just a fling was bothersome to me. I didn’t think it would, but today it just felt like a knife stabbing into me.
“When am I going to see you again?” I heard my tone and the desperation in it, and I hated myself just a little bit more for the sound. It was not at all what I was going for. I just wanted to spend more time with her and to let her know that I wanted to see her again soon. I had not quenched my thirst for Beatrice just yet. I should have ambushed her in the bed. I probably would have gotten one more orgasm out of her before she took off. Now I had to watch her leave and wonder when I was going to see her again. It was all left open, and I was still trying to figure out what came next.
Beatrice came in like the tide, swarming around me and then retreating without a word or a kiss goodbye. There was something between us and her denying it was not going to stand. I wasn’t going to let it happen. She was mine; I was hers. I’d spend whatever time I needed to show her exactly that. Beatrice wasn’t going to make it easy though.
I’m not sure what I had gotten myself into, but there was no going back, not after last night. After a taste, there was no way that I could go backward again.
19
Beatrice
Leaving Jeff without another round of pleasure was harder than I thought it would be. Here I was, convinced that in the light of day it would seem like the biggest mistake, but I didn’t feel that way at all. Instead, I was dying for more of his touch and because I already worried about what the effects of it would be, I decided to get out of there before I lost myself completely. It didn't look good. It looked like I was running but that was precisely what I was doing. I had gone over there on a whim, thinking about Jeff and the fact that everybody was trying to tell me what to do. Naturally, that had pushed me toward doing whatever it was I wanted.
I think when I started out going to his place, my intention was not to have sex with him and to make my life even more complicated. I can't say what my intention was, but I knew that it wasn't that. That was me not thinking. It was the only thing that made sense and I felt like an idiot.
When I got home, my brother was there, as well as my parents. They were all wondering where I was the night before. The sickness in my stomach just got worse. What had I been thinking? Complications were stacking up against me and even though nobody asked me outright for several moments, I felt like they were judging me the whole time, that they somehow knew what I had done, what I had been doing. I had to say honestly, it didn't make me feel good. I shouldn't feel wrong about it. It's not like either one of us were dating someone and we were cheating or something. We were both consenting adults, so why did it have to be so complicated?
Lester was the one that broke his silence, asking me what I had been up to and what kept me up so late. I gave him a dirty look, because he should not have asked such a thing in front of our parents. I think he knew he was making me uncomfortable and that's what he wanted.
I told him I was at a friend’s house. I wanted to add that it was none of his business, but it wouldn’t look good. “What are you doing here so early? Still haven't found a girlfriend that will stay more than a couple of weeks, I see.”
His eyes squinted toward me, and I swear he looked just like mom when he was pissed off. “I've been with a girl for several months now.”
