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I sighed and knew I would have to admit it. “Of course. You’ve been there awhile. I was starting to get scared that you were never going to wake up.”
Jeff said that he wouldn’t have let that happen. I believed him, my heart melting right then and there, but then I remembered all the chaos that was left in the mix. We would never be able to be together. It was always going to be complicated. My brother and my family, in general, wanted me to have nothing to do with him. Obviously, it did not matter what I wanted.
“When can I see you?” Jeff inquired. It broke my heart to think of the answer I feared.
“You have a lot of visitors right now, Jeff. Maybe you should spend time with them. I know that the place is usually packed.”
I had heard that his family had come in, which was a big deal apparently, because he really hadn't seen them much. I was also thinking about all the people from the fire department and my brother especially that would be there, and I didn’t want to run into any of them. All those people were waiting for him. They came to see him day in and day out. They didn't need me there. He didn't need me there. A couple of his ex-girlfriends had also showed up, so the hospital was getting quite crowded.
“I don't want to see them. I want to see you,” Jeff insisted.
“I don't think it would be best right now,” I interjected.
“Tell me what has changed.”
A lot had changed, but at the same time, it hadn't changed at all because it had always been this way. We had always been off-limits to each other and nothing had changed. Maybe it was just a little bit more impossible, and everyone knew about it, so we couldn't even keep it quiet. I'd had a lot of time to think while he was in the hospital and a lot of pressure had been put on me from all angles.
“Nothing has changed, Jeff; we just need to worry about getting you better.”
“Something has definitely changed. You don't even sound the same when you say my name. I want to see you; over the phone isn’t enough.”
I probably didn't sound the same. I didn’t feel the same. I had been dying to hear from him, but now, I was worried about what was going to happen next. I had really made a mess of things here.
“I've just been really worried about you. I'm glad that you're doing better. Really, I am, but it's just been a lot. Your room has been full every time I've come by, and sometimes they let me sit with you for a while after visiting hours, and after I get off at work I usually come up.”
“Are you coming tonight?”
I had every intention of coming, but maybe not if he was finally up and awake. I worried about what was going to happen, what would be said. I came to the decision that we didn't need to be together anymore. It was just causing too much friction in our lives, with my family. I’d already had to quit my job, move out of my parents’ house. While I had changed, it was not his fault. I didn't even blame Lester, even though he was the one that got the ball rolling on most of it. I blamed myself. I knew better. I didn't know what I was thinking. I had temporarily lost my mind. That had to be what it was.
“Yeah, I'll be there tonight.” I couldn’t tell him no.
“Good, I'll wait up. I can't wait to see you,” Jeff claimed.
I said the same and even though I was trying to get out of the mess with Jeff, it looked like I was even more entangled than before. He was in the hospital burned up. How could I not go see him? It would just be cold at this point not to, considering that this had all happened because of me. According to some people, I’d ruined his life.
I put the phone down and just kind of stared at it for several moments. With everything I told myself, all the inner talk that I had spoken, none of it meant anything because I was going against it. I didn't know why. The only thing I could think of was the fact that I just couldn't tell this guy no. I wished I could, really I did. I couldn't though. I was down to make the same mistakes again. My body was already looking forward to the mistake.
I seriously had to consider that something was wrong with me.
24
Jeff
When it was eight o'clock and it was time for everybody to leave, I was practically showing them out of my room. I had talked to most of the people that I wanted to and many that I didn't want to. Visiting hours were done for the day. I was now waiting for Beatrice. She was the one that I swear I’d been dreaming about for a month straight.
I felt like there was a lot riding on this meeting. I'm not even sure why, but Beatrice did sound different though, and when I had asked Lester about her, he had just given me this dirty look. I told him that we were going to be together. It was probably more than I should have said to her brother, but I wanted him to know that I wasn't going to give up on her just because he felt that I should. We had something going and I wasn't about to let Lester get in the way.
Lester had taken it about as good as I thought he would, although this time he didn't attack me. It was just as well because I didn't want to hit him again. He was my best friend after all. I apologized for falling for his sister, but that was exactly what I had done. I had fallen for her. I loved her and being with her was going to be my new reality. Being around Beatrice made me feel alive and new. It made me think that anything was possible, and I wasn't going to let that go for anyone, not even Lester.
It was nine o clock, the time that Beatrice said she was going to be there, and she wasn't there yet. I worried that she wasn't going to come, or something had happened to delay her. I moved to the phone to call her, and then she walked into the room, and I relaxed. All that worry rising up was gone and I was able to breathe again. She said something about if I was on the phone, she could come back later. “I don't want to disturb you.”
I put the phone down and told her that I was just calling her to see if she was coming or not.
“Sorry about that. I'm always running a few minutes late. You never were in such a rush before.”
“Seeing life flash before your eyes makes you look at it differently I suppose.”
Beatrice nodded her head as she understood how close I had been. I knew now too, and the one thing that I got out of all of it was life was short. She was still standing by the door, and I invited her in.
