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That made me pause for a moment. I really didn't even know what to say and I was saddened by the whole situation. I knew that Beatrice and her brother had never gotten along all that well. Lester always saw her as dramatic. I didn't see Beatrice that way. I saw her as the rare sort of person that knew what they wanted. Most people didn't. Most people drifted through life like dust in the air, no real direction, until they were blown one way or another. I liked that Beatrice was focused and was willing to do just about anything to get her way. I wanted to be the thing that she would fight for no matter what.
“I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want me to talk to them when I get back?”
“Oh. Are you going back?” Beatrice asked with hesitation. I was a bit surprised by her question. There was never even a question in my mind.
“Well, yeah, that's what I do.”
“But what about the injuries? The doctor said they were extensive.”
“Is that why you didn't come?”
“I told you that I’ve been here every night.”
“Not the last couple of nights.”
“I know, but I also knew that you were surrounded by people that were probably going to wear you out during the day.”
“Are you avoiding the question?”
“Absolutely. The last thing I want is anymore dirty looks from anybody at the firehouse. You would have thought that I had set you on fire myself by the way they treated me.”
I just kind of shook my head because I couldn't believe that everything had gone so wrong. Of all the people that were to blame, it was not Beatrice. I pushed it. I knew that I was the one that had made it happen. If anybody was going to be mad or going to be disciplined, it should have been me. I was above her, after all, when it came to our positions at work. She shouldn't have been punished.
“I'm sorry to hear that. I do not want anything bad to happen to you. I will do whatever I can to fix this,” I promised.
She let me off easy, telling me to just get better and that would be enough. It wouldn’t be enough though. Beatrice should not have to pay for the two of us being together. I wanted to try to convince her that I could fix it, but right now I wasn't good for anything. They weren’t going to let me go back to work for at least another month, and I probably wasn't going to get out of the hospital for another week or so. I felt useless. There was nothing that I could do to fix it, but I promised that I would as soon as I could.
Beatrice waved me off and told me not to worry about it. “I am worried about it. I'm worried about why you’re way over there.”
“It's just easier this way,” Beatrice insisted, not moving toward me.
I shook my head against her words. This was not easier. “Not being with you is not easier.”
I felt like there was more and when I asked her what was up with her, she just stared for a moment. Beatrice was like deep waters, the current running strong and swift, but the surface was just as calm as could be. What else had happened? I felt like I woke up in a nightmare and everything that could go wrong, had gone wrong. It felt like the outer world was trying to keep us apart.
“Just tell me.”
“Nothing, I moved out of my parents’ house, my brother and I aren’t talking, I lost my job, and now I work at a diner. None of this is your concern or your fault, so you didn’t need to know about it. It's just a lot that I have to deal with right now, so if I don't make it every single night, don't be offended. I have done my best.”
She felt guilty. I couldn't believe that she would feel guilty because she was not here when I woke up. I didn’t want to see guilt; I wanted to see the love that had been there before. Did she not care anymore? Had our night together meant nothing to her?
“I would never be offended. Nothing has changed. I took a long nap and now I wake up to a different world, but I haven't changed at all.”
“Don't see it as a bad thing,” she insisted.
“Feels like a bad thing. I wish that I could fix everything for you. I don't know why everything went to shit when I was out of it. Everyone got out of it unscathed, except me and you it feels like.”
The pain was starting to become intense, and Beatrice asked if she should go get the nurse. I must have been worse at hiding it than I thought.
I'd wanted to push the button for quite some time, thinking that I could go off the pain meds for a little bit longer. They made me feel muddled and in a fog, and I didn't want that with Beatrice. I wanted to be able to focus. The problem was when the pain became too intense, I couldn't think anyway. Either way, this was a conversation that was done for now. I wanted to keep going, finish, get some sort of resolution, but Beatrice had that look on her face, the one that I had seen too many times.
I didn't want her to pity me, I wanted her to see that whatever was standing in our way, there was no match for the destiny I was sure the two of us shared together. Getting her to believe it again was just a task that I wasn't prepared for. I didn't have the energy to give it my proper attention. The way this conversation was going showed my inequities.
A few minutes after the nurse got there, Beatrice promised to see me as soon as she could, knowing that it wasn't going to be as soon as I wanted. I watched her leave and sadness flooded over me. Everything had fallen on her head, and I was going to do my damn best to make sure that Beatrice didn't have any more negative effects because of me. I just hoped that there was another way than walking away from her.
There was something there between us, we both felt it. It would be a shame if we had to throw it all away because of everyone else. If Lester was really my friend and really a good brother, he would just accept it. I still hadn't gotten all the details of why she was kicked out of her parents’ house or why she had left. The thoughts were scrambling to hurry up and come to a solution.
Then, the IV meds kicked in and I couldn't think anymore. I went to sleep knowing that there was more than just my body to rehabilitate. There was a lot that needed to be fixed and once I got my physical capabilities back, the quicker I could start repairing the real damage.
