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“I love you too.”
I disconnected the call and inhaled a deep breath. Both Saint and Hosea were concerned about the conversation I was about to have with my mother. I didn’t think what I wanted to discuss was bad, but it would be the first time I said a lot of these things to her. Because I didn’t want to overwhelm her or catch her off guard, I let her know in advance that I wanted to discuss a few things about my childhood that had been bothering me over the years, and that I hoped our talk could lead to us starting a deeper connection.
When I had the courage to face her, I got out of the car and headed to her front door. She’d long since moved out of my childhood home and gotten something in a better neighborhood now that she was by herself. It took three days for me to do enough chakra healing, journaling, praying, and affirmations to feel confident enough to express myself to my mother. I just prayed she accepted everything in love and didn’t take offense—though I knew I couldn’t control how she heard and processed my words. We all perceived things on our level of understanding.
I knocked on my mom’s door, eyes trailing down the street both ways. The neighborhood was small and quiet, but that could probably change, depending on the day and time. Overall, I was pleased with what I saw. It looked like all of her hard work had finally paid off, and I hoped she was allowing herself to enjoy the fruit of her labor.
My mother laid eyes on me, and as soon as she did, she smiled. Her arms extended, hands pulling me close for a hug. I obliged, enjoying the feel of her warmth and soft skin. She always had the softest skin. I didn’t remember much about our time together, but her skin stayed at the forefront of my mind. I remember nights where she’d lay my head in her lap and grease my scalp while watching reruns of her soap operas. I’d watch, too, enjoying the feel of the grease while my hands rubbed her legs.
Her soft skin.
“It’s so good to see you, Sunshine.”
At the sound of that, my eyes watered. She’d been calling me Sunshine since I could remember. In fact, she only called me by my name when she wanted to have a serious conversation or if I was in trouble.
“You too, Mom,” I replied, stepping inside fully.
She gave me a quick tour of the two-leveled, three-bedroom home before we went outside on the patio to talk. It was finally shifting from warm to cool throughout the day, and I loved it. Fall and Spring were my absolute favorite seasons. If I could, I’d wear hoodies and shorts with tube socks and slides every day.
“Alright, let’s get this over with. I’ve been wondering what you had to say for the last two days.”
Smiling softly, I tried to steady my rapidly beating heart as the older version of myself looked at me. I mean, she looked so much like me. Same eyes, same lips, same colored skin. That was good, though. Being able to look at myself and see who I’d come from. If I had my father’s features, I probably would have yearned for him even more.
“As a child, I felt neglected by you and abandoned by Dad. Rejected, even. You were always at work. I know you worked so much because you didn’t want me to lack, but I don’t think you took into consideration that the need to provide financially caused me to lack your presence, and that’s what I needed most. Your parents raised me. They taught me everything I know. I felt like you didn’t want to be my mother because you were always gone.”
“I didn’t,” she admitted quietly with a bitter smile. “I… loved you, Sunshine, but I was so upset with myself because I chose a man who had proven he wasn’t a good father with his first child. For some dumb reason, I thought he would do better by me. By us. But he didn’t. He left me a single mother just like he’d done to the woman before me, and I was upset because of that. Not upset with you, but at me. I hated the position I put myself in, and I unintentionally made you suffer because of that.” She took my hand into hers. “I wasn’t ready to be a mother, and I made my parents carry the load. They were proud of me because I was working and going to college, but that was really just an excuse. A way for me to avoid the mistake I’d made with your father.”
I was so caught off guard by her confession, I couldn’t even reply right away. My eyes blinked rapidly as we stared at each other. The sight of tears falling from her eyes forced me to look away.
“So what I felt back then was real?” I chuckled. “You really didn’t want me.”
“It’s not that, Sunshine.” She tried to hold on to my hand as I slipped it from under hers. “I wanted you, just not in that way. Not that time. By the time I’d wrapped my mind around what he’d done and the path I chose and matured as a woman, you were well into your teenaged years. The disconnect had already been established and I didn’t know how to fix it. I felt like I didn’t deserve to have a closer relationship with you, so I just… let you do your own thing.”
“How do you feel now?” I asked, trying to remain logical and not get too deep in my feelings.
“Like I allowed my bitterness over losing him to make me miss out on you. My sunshine. The growth of my only child. It eats at me every day, knowing how much of your life I missed out on, and for that, I am so sorry. I know I can’t take it back, but if you’d allow me, I would like to be a bigger presence in your life going forward.”
I wanted to be even more upset. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to tell her she lost the privilege of putting herself and her needs and her feelings first when she had me. But none of that shit seemed to matter anymore. Even without her, I turned out pretty damn good. My grandparents had done a great job with me, and what they couldn’t provide, God did through older women in my life.
If I’d learned anything from the situation in Cali, it was that life is truly short. There was no point in me holding on to the past to choose to be unhappy. I had so much to be happy about in my present and to look forward to for the future. If my mother wanted to be a part of that, I would let her. If she failed at taking advantage of this chance, that would be on her… not me.
“Okay,” I agreed, and her shocked expression made me laugh.
“Okay?” she repeated. I nodded. “Just like that?”
“I’m giving you a chance to show me a new version of yourself. If we can’t connect, we will be able to say we tried, but I’m tired of holding on to the past, Mom. I’m ready to move on with my life.”
I couldn’t allow my issues with her to make it difficult for me to bond with women outside of those invited into the crew, and I couldn’t allow my issues with my dad to draw me to men who weren’t consistent. Or cling to men whose expiration date within my life had passed. A part of me felt like I went to school to help others because I was avoiding my own issues, but that ended today.
“That makes me happy,” she said, wiping her tear-stained cheeks. “You won’t regret this, Sunshine. I promise.” I nodded as she added, “Are you free for the rest of the day? Maybe we can grab dinner and catch up.”
“Yeah, I don’t have any plans,” I said, pulling my phone out of my pocket. At the sight of Haley’s name, I told her, “One sec, Mom.” Everyone knew I was meeting her, so if Haley was calling, I feared something bad had happened. “Hello?”
“Hey, I know you’re with your mom, but I just wanted to call and let you know Honey had the baby.”
“What! Yay! What did she have?”
“A girl! They named her Kayla. I’m about to head up to the hospital now.”
