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Everyone else was at the table, in their seats. Was this worse? Was I making everyone feel bad by sitting over here with Jude and depriving him of the Thanksgiving with his family?
Anxiety was hot under my skin. I couldn’t seem to get it under control. Part of me wanted to run outside and scream until my voice was raw. Another part wanted to hide under a blanket until the entire world disappeared. Being caught in between those two opposites made me itch.
“I’m probably being silly, overreacting,” I said. “Making everyone feel bad.”
Jude glanced over his shoulder, where Liam finished telling a joke and everyone collapsed into laughter. “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “They seem okay to me.”
“Yeah.”
He pressed his lips against my temple. I leaned into the kiss—I needed it more than I realized. “Sweetheart, you’re not overreacting. It’s okay to be hurt by something that hurts you.”
This was going downhill, and fast. Crying wasn’t high on my list of things to do today—or any day. But if he kept saying things like that…
I took a bite of ice cream and tried to breathe. “I just wanted everyone to have a nice day. And I don’t want them to feel bad or pity me.”
He was looking at me, and I could almost feel his thoughts churning, but I didn’t look up. “What do you say we go back to your house?” he asked.
“But—”
“No one is going to mind. I promise.”
My cheeks burned. All I could think about was how they were going to talk about me after I left. Poor Lena. She really fucked up. It’ll be a Thanksgiving to remember.
Those thoughts weren’t fair to my friends. I knew it, and yet I couldn’t seem to stop them from happening. “Okay.”
“Stay here for a second.”
He picked up the bowl of half-finished ice cream and took it to the kitchen. I heard him say something, and I looked over long enough to see him speaking to Daniel. It was too much. They were all being careful not to look at me, and I couldn’t bear it.
I stood and made a beeline for my coat. “Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’ll see you later, okay?” It was a miracle I got it all out without my voice cracking.
“Happy Thanksgiving,” came a chorus of all the voices, but Evie wasn’t about to let it stand. She jumped up and nearly tackled me in a hug.
“It’s going to be okay. Promise.”
“You don’t know that.”
“No.” She pulled back and grinned. “But you and I and everyone in this room have survived worse things than bad pie. And I need you to hear me when I say this, Lena. No one thinks less of you.”
I didn’t believe her, but it was a nice thing to say.
“I’ll see you tomorrow at work.”
Nodding, I shrugged on my coat and let Jude pull open the door for me. He bundled me down the stairs and into his truck. At the very least, I was out of sight of everyone else. As it was, I would be lucky to make it home before I fell apart entirely.
Chapter 14
Jude
I wasn’t sure what to say.
Lena was completely inside her own head, and I knew the feeling. She was worrying and spiraling and flaying herself to bits about what went wrong with the pies.
But I knew it wasn’t just the baked goods. It was deeper. A few things she’d said let me know she was struggling with more than just her experience with Evelyn and the abduction. It sounded like she held herself responsible for others’ happiness—at least in our direct circle. And those thoughts led to her struggling to accept that she was allowed to struggle.
Her first thoughts about the pie weren’t for herself and her business; they were for us and if she’d “ruined” the holiday. Sure, the business was on her mind too. But now, I saw. What people thought of her—especially those of us who knew her—mattered even more than Deja Brew.
The dominant need to show her she was wrong and that we loved her rose up. It wasn’t an ideal time to have the conversation, but I wasn’t left with much choice. She needed what I could give right now just as much as I needed to give it.
