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I knew my cold shoulder was hurting them both, and I didn't want to do that. I never wanted to hurt the two people I loved more than anyone else on this Earth, but how could I face them after my shit display with Del? Maybe I was selfish after all.
"Kao," Raph's voice had my skin jump slightly, forgetting he was there. "You can talk to me, you know."
"I don't even know you," I countered, not bothering to meet his eyes.
"True, you don't," Raph agreed. "But I have a hunch I know what you're going through?"
"Oh really, smartass? What makes you think you know anything about what I'm going through?"
"You feel like you don't have what it takes to protect Rosie and your brother, right?” Raph asked, and before I could respond, he kept going. "I bet you're the older twin, right? I sense that protective older sibling energy in you. The need to not only be a brother, but a guardian to your younger sibling. And when you lost to Del, you felt you didn't have what it takes to be that protector. Not to Kai or to Rosie."
Halfway through his analysis of me, I found myself staring into his moss-colored, knowing gaze. Slowly, my mouth hung open in shock as Raph nailed everything I was feeling, as if the answers were written on my skin and he was reciting it back to me. I didn't know what to say to him. It felt intrusive, exposing all my inner demons like that.
Raph cocked an eyebrow as the corner of his lips curved upward. "So, did I get it right?"
"H-How..." I breathed out.
"How did I know?"
I nodded.
"What, you think you're the only one with siblings? Kao, I'm the oldest of four boys. I know what it means to feel responsible for your younger sibling. The need to be everything they need: their protector, their supporter, their muscles, their voice of reason. I feel it every day of my life, regardless of how grown up we are now. Hell, my brothers can be in their sixties, and I'd still feel protective over them. And if I ever felt like I wasn't enough, I'd beat myself over it too. Kind of like what you're doing now."
I was wrong, it seemed as if Raph did know what I was going through. It was both alarming, and oddly relieving. It meant someone understood me, that I wasn't alone. My arms held my legs tighter as I bit my lower lip trying to quell the emotions threatening to explode. Even with someone here who seemed to relate to my thoughts, I still found it difficult to express how much I hated feeling like a failure to Rosie and Kai.
As if not needing my words, Raph reached out and gave my shoulder a squeeze. "Kao, I know it's easier than it sounds, but you need to remember that you're just one person. You can't take on the world by yourself. You have to trust in Rosie and Kai. They're not little pups, they don't need you to be their sole protector. They simply want you there with them."
"I don't know why," I said dryly, managing to push back the sob that wanted to force its way out. "They don't need me. I can't do anything right."
"Says who?" Raph asked in a challenging tone. "Did Rosie tell you that? Did Kai?"
I didn't need to answer that, Raph already knew. "I'm pretty sure if they didn't need you, they wouldn't have you with them. Rosie wouldn't have picked you as a mate if she didn't need you."
"She deserves better than me," I muttered softly.
"Why?"
"Because she does."
"Why, Kao?"
"Because I don't want to fail her!" I burst out, unable to keep it buried inside any longer. The words came as fast as my tears. "I always fail everybody I love. I failed to protect Kai when we were kids, I failed to protect him from Alpha Pierce, even Joaquin managed to protect Kai from the betas when I couldn't. I'm a shit brother, and I don't want to fail Rosie too. If anything happens to her, if I'm unable to protect her from Pierce too, I'll never forgive myself."
By the time I was done, my voice was too weak to say anything else. I rested my forehead on my knees, covering my face with my arms as gave the sobs permission to spill out of me. Raph didn't say anything while I unloaded my pent-up frustrations. After a while, I felt my body sagging with exhaustion and a headache starting to form.
"Kao," a new voice called my name. I looked up to see Javier joining Raph and me. I groaned internally at his presence. Great, the last thing I wanted was for the brother of my mate to see me crying over his sister. Wasn't it humiliating enough for me to spill my guts out to a perfect stranger who knew Rosie far better than I did?
"P'Javier," I managed to get out.
Javier regarded me with a somber look, not one of disappointment but empathy. "I already had a heart to heart with Rosalinda tonight, but now it seems you need one too," he said with a frown.
"I was doing fine looking after him, Javi," Raph said.
"I know, but I also know what Kao means by not wanting to disappoint Rosalinda." Javier leaned against a tree. "Kao, did you know I almost lost Rosie twice?"
I shook my head. I briefly remembered Rosie mentioning something about being kidnapped, so if that was what he was referring to, then I knew at least one of the two instances.
"I almost lost her last year when she was taken by wolf hunters. I've never been so scared in my life. I couldn't stop imagining what terrible things they were doing. I felt I failed to protect her because I was too busy trying to comprehend how the fates paired me with a wolf shifter's enemy." Javier paused as if reliving the traumatic event he spoke of. It rang familiarity in my ears, reminding me of how I felt when Kai was abused by our foster father, and I never saw it in time to stop it before the bastard died. Like Javier, I couldn't stop imagining what he was doing to my kid brother. Even when I demanded answers, Kai never told me, though he assured me that he never molested or raped him. Thank Mother Moon for that.
