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The further I got from the city streets, the faster I went. I was not focused on where I was headed, as a million thoughts raced through my mind. For the first time, instead of craving a bitter liquid to dull my senses, I wanted to feel everything; I needed to feel every emotion that I had inside me – I needed my mind clear and sharp.
I had forgiven my mother. Moreover, I allowed myself to. Had I not started drinking in California, I don’t know that I would have been able to forgive her. I would not have been able to truly understand what she went through; but I walked in her shoes, and I searched for solace in exactly the same places. Though forgiveness was not a quick wave of a wand, magically making everything better, I felt a heaviness lifted off of my shoulders. I still felt grief over the death of my father; I still felt heartache remembering my teenage years that were taken from me; I still felt hurt over the loss of my mother for eight important years of my life. Some feelings would never change. The one thing that was different, though, was the absence of hate. It was blatantly apparent. I no longer felt angry.
Driving down the quiet road, the wind whipped through my hair. I recalled Chase sitting in the passenger seat after he had restored my Chevelle as a surprise for Christmas. He watched me whenever I drove it, his eyes always looking into my soul. He saw me for who I was during that time, and he accepted me for the shell of a person I had become. I was broken, cynical, and closed off. He fell in love with me in spite of it all. He brought the light back into the darkest places of my heart, and he showed me how good it could feel to be loved.
I had pushed him away so many times before in the beginning, but this time felt different. I had cut off all communication with him, forcing a choice upon him that he did not ask for – much like my mother had done to me many years ago. It was a decision she regretted in hindsight – a decision that changed our lives forever. Why had I pushed Chase away? What was I scared of? T.J. had taught me to face everything, and deal with it. It was okay to be scared, but it was not okay to back down. I had to face my emotions. I had to face my fears.
I slowed my car down, and came to a stop in front of a tree. Bark was missing from part of the trunk, while the remaining pieces were blackened and damaged. It took me a few seconds to realize where I was, where I had subconsciously driven to. Nine months ago, I had wrapped my car around this tree. I was trapped inside of the mangled metal, half-conscious, and was about to be burned alive. Chase had followed me there, and risked his life trying to pull me out of the wreckage.
I stepped out of the car, and walked towards the tree. The grass was still missing from where my tires had skidded off the road. I touched the tree as the fragments of that night flashed through my mind. If it weren’t for Chase and his father, I would have died. Now, I was here and Tim was not. I was given a second chance that he was not so fortunate to receive. Life was short, and it would be a waste to spend it on the run from my feelings. Living in the past did not allow me to appreciate what I had in the present – and what I had was irreplaceable.
I jumped back in my car, and sped off en route to my apartment. Thundering down the roads, I could not get home fast enough. The sense of urgency I felt only grew with each turn I made. Throwing the shifter into park, I sprinted to my stairs, and climbed them by twos. I didn’t waste time to catch my breath once I was inside my apartment. I had wasted too much time already.
Chapter Seventeen
Guardian Angels
“Would you stop bouncing your leg? You’re making me nervous!”
“I’m sorry. I can’t help it,” I whined. “What’s taking so long?”
Shelly slammed on her horn for the third time. “People drive like morons! Relax. It’s not like Chase is going anywhere.” Shelly did her best to calm my nerves as we sat in traffic just outside of the airport.
Last night, I booked the first flight to California that was available. I didn’t call Chase to tell him I was coming. I didn’t want to explain everything on the phone, and I was afraid he would try to talk me out of it. I needed to see him in person, and it had to be soon. Every second that passed felt like another second too late to fix the mess I had created.
“Finally!” Shelly shouted as the cars began to move. “I wish you would let me come with you.”
“I need to do this on my own.”
“Do you think T.J. is going to be pissed that you’re missing the last few training sessions?”
“I’m hoping he understands.” I had texted him last night, explaining that I would be away for a few days. He did not respond.
Shelly pulled up to the curb at the drop-off area. She popped her trunk, and leaned over the center console to give me a hug. “Text me when you land. Call me after you talk to him.”
I hugged her tightly. “Thanks for driving.”
“Thanks for finally coming to your senses.”
I laughed. “Hopefully, it goes well.”
“It will. I know it will.”
I hoisted my luggage out of the trunk, and waved goodbye to Shelly one last time before entering the busy airport. Being here for the third time this year, I had memorized all the steps. I waited as patiently as I could until it was time to board. A Mothra-sized butterfly flapped her giant wings inside of my stomach when my flight number was called.
I tried to sleep on the plane, but my nerves were on high alert. I recited all of the things I wanted to say to Chase in my head over and over again until we landed. Waiting for everyone to exit the plane felt like water torture, and waiting for my luggage was even worse. All I wanted to do was take off running until I arrived at Chase’s apartment.
I checked the time while I waited for a cab outside. Chase would be just about to go on stage when I arrived – wherever he was playing. I knew that I would probably have to wait in his empty apartment until he returned after two o’clock in the morning. I tried to prepare myself for the fact that he might not be coming home alone; I had not thought of a plan for that scenario yet, and hoped I wouldn’t have to worry about it.
I paid the cabbie when he parked in front of Clutch. Taking an enormous deep breath, I rolled my luggage through the familiar front door. The bar was exactly how I had left it – jam packed with people. I could see that a band was setting up on stage, and I stretched up onto my toes to catch a glimpse of any familiar faces. I made my way towards the bar, pulling my luggage through the crowd, still trying to see who was performing tonight. My luggage tilted sideways and rolled over someone’s foot.
“Sorry!” I shouted back over my shoulder. I bent down to pick it up by the handle, and smacked right into someone’s back. I cringed, and looked up apologetically. When I saw who it was in a plain black t-shirt, and perfectly fitting jeans, my stomach did a backflip. It was Chase.
At least a dozen emotions flashed across his face all at once. His lips parted as his mouth hung open, and his expression finally settled on utter shock.
I tried to breathe, but it felt as if I had stepped out onto the moon without an oxygen tank. The words I had rehearsed were suddenly wiped from my memory. The noisy room sounded muffled. It was hard to hear anything over the pounding of my pulse in my ears.
“Holy fuck!” Dave shouted from a few feet away. “Look what the cat dragged in!”
