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“I know.”
“Good.” He kissed my forehead.
I thought about saying more, but I bit my tongue as I looked into his beautiful, concerned eyes. I did not want him to worry about me with all that he had going on.
I knew I didn’t have to drink with everyone who offered to buy me one; I knew I didn’t have to drink at all… but I wanted to. A small voice inside my head tried to warn me that I was in trouble, but I was able to silence it once I laid down on the bed.
Everything would be fine once I slept it off.
Chapter Seven
Going Under
Weeks passed since Chase brought up my drinking. I had barely seen him; we were like two ships passing in the night. He would come home from recording at the studio, or a meeting with the record label, while I was leaving to start my shift. I often came home to an empty apartment, and woke up in an empty bed. He had been playing at various bars around LA, and would slip in sometime after three in the morning. I knew he had to stay after his shows ended to socialize; I knew our relationship would take a back seat to his music career; I knew it would be difficult not spending time together. What I did not know, however, was how dangerous it would be for me to be alone.
Before my accident, I had spent seven years focusing my time and energy on taking care of my father. There was no time to sit around and wallow in my sadness; I never experienced feeling carefree, or let loose with my friends. I went to school, babysat in the evening, and came home to cook, clean, and pay bills. I was a child living an adult life. After the accident, when grief reared its ugly head, Shelly and Chase were there to take turns occupying my time – I was never left alone for long. Falling in love with Chase made me so happy that I never found the need to numb my pain with anything else.
Now, I found myself craving the one thing that I had learned could soothe my entire nervous system in just a few gulps. I had found a way to detach myself from any and all emotions – and I did not want to stop. Reality would sink in the next day when I woke up sober, but I knew it would only be a few hours until I could drown my demons all over again.
Hiding it from Chase was easy, but it was the worst part. I wanted to prove to him that he had nothing to worry about, but the temptation was difficult to resist, as I was around it every night. At the beginning of each night, I told myself that I would stop, only to break that promise to myself less than an hour into my shift. Just one shot, I told myself. Before I knew it, I was on my third or fourth. The water level was rising quickly, and I was about to go under.
“Bottoms up, bitches!” Brooke shouted.
Dave and I, along with her entourage of friends, clinked our shot glasses with Brooke’s.
“You’re working on my birthday,” Brooke complained. “Philip’s working. This sucks!”
“You’ve got all of your friends here with you!” Dave offered. “Don’t frown. You’re too young for Botox.”
“We’re in LA. You’re never too young for Botox,” she replied with a smile.
“I’ll be on the dance floor in spirit.” I poured her and her friends another round of shots. “Take this as your parting gift. Go have fun!”
It was a busy night. I felt good turning down three requests to do shots with customers. At eleven o’clock, I felt my phone buzzing in the back pocket of my jeans. Shelly had texted me three times, and was now calling. Something had to be wrong.
I pointed to my phone, motioning to Dave that I would be back. I closed the door behind me as I stepped into the stairwell.
“Shell, is everything okay?”
“Good thing I wasn’t dying. I texted you a million times.”
“I’m at work. What’s going on?”
She took a breath, hesitating before she spoke.
“Just tell her,” I heard Brody in the background.
“Shelly,” I warned.
“I saw your mother today.”
Acid instantly pooled into my stomach. “Where?”
“I was coming home from class, and I saw her waiting outside of my apartment.”
“How does she even know where you live?”
“I don’t know. It’s freaking me out, though. Thank God Brody was home.”
