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Leaving was nothing but a coping mechanism. A way to build a protective wall around myself to keep other people away.
People who could hurt me.
PeopleIcould hurt.
People I cared about.
People like Ellie.
I didn’t want to do that to her. Hurting her was the most abhorrent idea. It almost hurt me to even think about such a thing, and that terrified me more than anything.
Because it meant I was in love with her.
The whole conversation, the whole truth coming out, the way she’d chased after me and I’d felt an overwhelming sense of peace when she’d hugged me tight, refusing to let go.
It was, for a moment, complete comfort.
I’d often heard the phrase ‘felt like home’ used, especially in books, and Ellie’s included. I’d never really known what that was, what it was supposed to feel like, until that moment.
That moment in the pouring rain, with her cheek against my back and her arms wrapped around me, her outright refusal to let me go even when I’d insisted…
I’d understood it.
Ellie felt like home to me.
She was peaceful. She was comfortable. She was the one person, the one place, that I could see myself returning to time after time. That I would never bore of. That I’d never be uncomfortable with. That I’d always seek out, that I’d be compelled to go back to.
Ellie was, quite simply, everything.
She was the only thing in my life that truly made any sense. She was the only thing I understood.
It felt as though she was the only thing that mattered to me.
I’d spent so long denying it, ignoring it, that it’d hit me like a freight train. Sure, I’d known I was falling in love, but I hadn’t known when I’d crossed that line.
I was in love with Ellie. Stupidly, madly in love with her.
And I didn’t know if I could give her what she wanted from her life.
“You’ve got a face like a porn star’s arse,” Grandma said, walking into the living room.
“I beg your pardon?” I blinked at her.
“Spanked far too many times to be comfortable.”
“You could have just gone with a smacked arse, you know.”
“That’s boring. I wanted to spice it up. You were supposed to laugh, you miserable sod.” She shuffled over and sat down on the sofa opposite me. “What’s got your knickers in a twist?”
“You know damn well what’s wrong,” I shot back. “You and your nonsense the other night when Ellie was here for dinner.”
“What did I do?”
“You pushed it. Ellie ended up asking me what happened and…” I shrugged.
Grandma’s eyebrows shot up. “You told her? Willingly?”
“Begrudgingly,” I said, correcting her. “I told her begrudgingly.”
