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This really was my legacy now.
Slowly, I nodded.
“And do check in with Ellie. She’s going to be terribly worried about you, and if she’s upset, I’m going to be upset.”
Then she left.
Leaving me alone with my feelings… just like I’d said I wanted.
I didn’t.
I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to feel this all alone. I didn’t want to have to process this without anyone here.
I’d never felt as weak as I did right now.
I sank back into the sofa and covered my face with my hands again. I hadn’t anticipated any of this happening when Ellie walked into my life.
Ellie.
It was all Ellie.
With her gorgeous red hair and her dark blue eyes and her smile that could light up an entire country in a mere second. With her goofy grins and conversations with her cat and her tendency to mutter to herself when she thought nobody could hear her.
Ellie.
The love of my fucking life.
I had to deal with too many emotions, and it was because of her. She’d walked into my life in an explosion of sunshine and laughter. Her very presence had flipped me upside down and shaken and stirred me until I’d reached this point.
Where I had to confront the last fourteen years of my life and my emotions.
I knew one thing to be true: I really had never grieved my father.
Any healing I’d done as a young boy had been erased when I was sixteen and I’d found out he was responsible for their deaths. Any grief I’d felt was replaced with anger, and I’d held onto that ever since.
It was easier to blame him.
Easier to hate him.
Easier to make him the biggest villain in my life and blame him for all the things that went wrong and all the decisions I made.
Grandma was right.
Ididwant a family.
I wanted to get married. I wanted to have children. I wanted to have true happiness.
I wanted to do it all with Ellie.
There was nobody else I could imagine doing those things with. Imagining Greygarth and Windermere without her seemed almost impossible now, and if I didn’t address the issues I had, she wasn’t going to be here.
She was going to go home to London. She was going to leave, she was going to move on, and she was going to be happy.
I dropped my hands to my lap and stared at the ceiling.
Fuck.
I had to fix this.
