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“When you find that love, you don’t let it go. Only a fool would, and your mother and I did not raise you to be a fool.”
My nostrils flared. “What if I don’t know how? What if I don’t know how to… do that stuff?”
Grandma tilted her head to the side. “Know what? Do what? How to be a good partner? Parent? Friend? None of us know that, Max. You’re not given a handbook for any of that. You figure it out on the way with advice from your elders and your friends who have walked that path before you. But the first thing you have to have is love. And if you really love her the way I know you do, you’ll be just fine.”
I took my hands from hers and pressed them to my face.
I couldn’t do this anymore.
I couldn’t keep living in this goldfish bowl of emotion I’d locked myself in.
I couldn’t handle this by myself anymore. There was too much happening, too much going on, and I was only human.
I just… couldn’t do it.
“I need help,” I whispered, bringing my hands down just enough to see Grandma. “I need to speak to someone, don’t I? Someone who can help me deal with how I feel.”
She offered me a watery smile. “If you think it will help.”
I stepped back and sat down on the sofa, looking up at her, cupping my hands over my nose and mouth. “I’m just so angry with him and I don’t know how to let that feeling go, but if I don’t, I’m going to lose Ellie, aren’t I? I’m going to sabotage whatever we have—what we could have—because I’ve never moved on.”
“You’ve never allowed yourself to grieve your father,” Grandma said slowly. “Not having children to continue the family line doesn’t hurt him, Max. That hurts you. Not allowing yourself to get married and have happiness doesn’t affect him, that only affects you. You’re the one who will suffer from those decisions. I don’t want you to be alone when I’m gone.”
“Please. Like you’ll ever go away. You’ll haunt this place for three hundred years.”
“I’m offended you only think three hundred.” She sniffed. “Do not push Ellie away because of some emotions you’ve bottled up. Don’t punish either of you for the sins of your father. They are his, and his alone.”
“How did you do it?” I asked as she turned towards the door. “How did you accept what he did and move on? How did you cope with losing him?”
Grandma stopped, dropping her head. “I had you. You needed me, and it was my job to be there for you and raise you to be the man I knew you would be.”
“But after?”
“You’ve never stopped needing me.” She looked over her shoulder, smiling at me with watery eyes. “If you did, we wouldn’t be here now.”
“I never will stop needing you.”
“I know.” Her smile widened. “Truthfully? I spoke to someone. I still do. Time heals many things but losing someone you love isn’t a papercut. It’s an amputation. You lose a part of you, and that might be harder than losing them. If you need to speak with someone removed from your situation who can help you process your emotions, then you should. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Why didn’t you mention it before?”
“Because your decision to speak to someone had to be one you came to by yourself. It’s the kind of decision that is yours, and yours only. And I will be here to help you.”
I pressed my lips together. “Thank you,” I said softly. “I love you, Grandma.”
“I know.” She smiled, gripping onto her walking stick. “I love you, too, kiddo. Please remember this for me.”
“I promise.”
“This isn’t your father’s legacy anymore, Max. This is yours.”
Fucking wow.
She was right.
His legacy was me, but now it was my turn to shape our family’s history.
And I could do that.
