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I nodded.
Dr Collins leant over and held up a book with a smirk. “She’s excellent at it. Both myself and my daughter enjoy her novels a great deal.”
I rubbed my hand down my face, smiling. “Of course. Everyone does. Even I did when I read her books.”
“Why didn’t you want a relationship with her?” she continued. “Even platonic. You could have been friends without any expectation of more. Did you communicate that with her at any point?”
“No.” I dipped my chin again. “There wasn’t a specific turning point for when we became more than friends. It just kind of happened.”
“I see. But when it did cross that line, you didn’t pull back. You continued on until you reached your own breaking point where your past is concerned. When she pushed you about your parents.”
I nodded. “After I told her what happened to them, I didn’t speak to her for three days.”
“How did you feel about that?”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. That was a conscious decision to shut yourself away for her. How did you feel in that time?”
I clasped my hands in my lap and rolled my shoulders, stretching my neck from side to side. “Not great,” I admitted. “It was time I needed to realise that I had unresolved anger issues regarding my father’s role in Mum’s death, but that didn’t change my position about her going home.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t think you are sure, Max. You’ve built so many walls around yourself that as soon as one gets knocked down, you open a metaphorical gate and step behind another. The first wall was a friendship with her—once you accepted that, you hid behind more. Once you realised you had romantic feelings towards her, you hid behind keeping your parents’ deaths secret. Now you’ve had to open up with that, you’re hiding behind yet another wall.”
“Wow. Hit me where it hurts.”
“That’s what you’re paying me for.” Her lips twitched into a tiny smile. “Max, all you’ve achieved with your avoidances where Ellie is concerned is moving your own boundaries. If she leaves for London, will she come back?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“You don’t want to hurt her. That’s your number one goal, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“The way I see it, you’re going to.”
I swallowed. “Why do you think that?”
Dr Collins pulled her glasses down from her face and let them hang around her neck from the chain. “If you let her leave without telling her how you feel, you’re going to hurt her. If you put an end to your relationship once and for all, you’re going to hurt her. If you let her leave only to change your mind and go after her, you’re going to hurt her.”
Shit.
I’d never thought about it like that.
“Then what am I supposed to do?”
“You talk to her, Max, but you’re going to potentially hurt her anyway, and you must accept that. The difference is that you’re allowing her to have a say in the relationship you have. If you decide together that you want to try a long-distance relationship, it’s done together. If you decide together that it’s best to end your relationship, it’s something you’ve both had a say in.”
I looked down at the desk. “I know that. Rationally, I know that opening up to her and admitting how I feel is the right thing to do, but it… I think it scares me, because I don’t know if I will ever be able to overcome my issues and be the person I know she deserves.”
“You couldn’t protect your mother. You are carrying a huge amount of guilt for what happened when you were achild. Your title links you to your father more closely than you’re currently comfortable with, and you’re having a difficult time separating yourself from who he was and from what he did.” Dr Collins leant closer to the camera, and it almost felt as though her gaze was piercing into my soul. “Youwillovercome those things, Max. You’ve opened up to me a great deal in our two sessions, but right now, you’re far too preoccupied with your emotions where Ellie is concerned. That isn’t a bad thing, but it is a situation you need to address and one you need to do in a healthy manner. Once you’ve done that, we can work on everything else. We will work on it. You’re aware of your weaknesses and you’re willing to work through what you need to in order to be a better, healthier person, but your sessions with me will be worth nothing if you don’t put those things into action.”
She sat back and tilted her head to the side, while I said nothing.
“Now,” she continued. “I won’t tell you what to do with Ellie. Whatever choice you make will be discussed in our next session, I’m sure, and we’ll go over why you made the choice you did and what led you to make it. But for now, I think it’s best we end here so you can think about what I’ve said and come to terms with it.”
