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“But?”
“What do you mean, but?”
“There’s a but in there, Max. I can’t help you if you don’t talk freely with me.”
I wrung my hands together. “I don’t want her to leave,” I admitted. “I have some very strong feelings for her that I don’t want to let go of, but she deserves to let go and move on.”
“Deserves to let go of what?”
“Me. The difference in what we want out of our lives.”
Dr Collins cleared her throat. “You told me that you want marriage and children. So does she. I don’t understand the difference.”
I didn’t say anything.
“You admitted that to me in our first session. Have you spoken to her about how you feel?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“You’re projecting your emotions onto her. You’re making the decision that you think is best for her without consideration for her actual feelings.” She peered down at the papers in front of her on her desk. “She deserves to have her say in the matter, doesn’t she?”
“Of course.”
“So why haven’t you been honest with her?”
I swallowed. “I don’t want her to feel obligated to stay,” I admitted quietly. “Mum stayed with my father because of me. I don’t want Ellie to feel the same way.”
“You only ever refer to him as your father, not Dad. Why is that?”
Quick change.
“I…” I stilled. “I don’t know.”
“I’d like you to think about it. I believe your reluctance to tell Ellie how you feel is rooted in your feelings towards your dad. You seem to be keeping him and your feelings about him at arm’s length—something you admit you tried and failed to do where Ellie is concerned,” Dr Collins said. “You said last week you’re angry at him. Do you equate yourself with him because of the title you inherited?”
“I suppose I do,” I said quietly. “He was the last Duke of Windermere, and he didn’t leave a great legacy. It’s an old title with a rich history and he shit all over it because he couldn’t control his addiction.”
“Did he try? From your perspective, not one given to you by others.”
“He tried, but he always failed. I remember the days where he was sober and fighting it. He would cook and bake with Mum and play football with me. He would help me with homework and all the things a normal father would do.” I inhaled, hoping the tears that were burning the back of my eyes wouldn’t break free. “He just couldn’t keep it up. Nothing was good enough for him. We were never enough to make him break the addiction.”
“And you’re afraid you’ll do the same, even though you barely drink alcohol yourself.”
“I don’t want to hurt Ellie.”
“Have you done anything that would lead you to believe you’d do such a thing?”
“I wasn’t the nicest person when she arrived. I made an effort to keep her away from me. I was almost cruel to her at points, but I couldn’t keep that up for long.”
Dr Collins nodded. “You tried to protect yourself from someone you felt a connection to.”
“I—” I swallowed. “Yes. I did. I didn’t want to have any kind of relationship with her.”
“Why not?”
“I knew it wouldn’t end in the happily ever after she would want.”
“She writes romance, does she not?”
