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We lay there together for a long time, our breathing ragged as we floated on a hazy cloud of pure satisfaction.
When Jessica sat up suddenly, facing away from me, I reached for her, wanting to pull her back into bed. Not wanting this moment to end.
She stood, quickly moving to her closet and grabbing a robe. She wrapped it around herself tightly then began pacing the length of her room, rubbing her hands over her face and shaking her head.
“Jess…” I sat up, reaching for her. “Come here.”
“No.” Her eyes were a little wild as she whirled and faced me. “I can’t believe I just did this.”
My heart sank. “It’s okay.”
“How is it okay?” Her voice rose, high-pitched and little panicky. “You’re in a competition to find your future mate, and we just had sex. Please tell me how that’s possibly okay.”
I winced, understanding where she was coming from, but hating it all the same. All I wanted was for her to come back to bed, let me hold her in my arms, and go back to that place of peace we’d just been in. A place where the Contention didn’t exist, and my options for the future were wide open. A place where I could consider the possibility of this incredible woman being part of that future.
I let out a long, heavy breath, unsure what I could say to fix this. She was right. This complicated matters. But I wouldn’t say it was a mistake.
“I don’t know, Jess.” I stood and went to her, pulling her into my arms. Her body was stiff, but at least she didn’t pull away. “I’m not sure what to tell you, but I don’t regret this. Not for a second.”
She looked up at me, blinking back tears. Her mouth opened then closed again, and I hopedshedidn’t regret it.
“Look, we’ll figure this out. I know I haven’t been doing my part with the Contention, but I’m trying to come to terms with it. You know it isn’t what I wanted.”
She nodded, swallowing hard, but still didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure what to say to make her feel better, but it seemed like most of her stress centered around the Contention, so I figured that was a good place to start.
“Maybe we can start interviewing the girls. Quizzing them on things they’ve learned in class and finding out how fit they are to be on the council. The dates definitely aren’t the best way to figure that out. The goal here is to find the right women who will make good additions to the council while also appeasing the alphas.”
“The goal is to find your mate,” she countered. “That’s the whole purpose.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s not. Not like it was with Holden’s. This is different. Just because Holden found the love of his life doesn’t mean that I will. It’s political, pure and simple. Honestly, that’s why I’m in this mess in the first place.”
“What do you mean?”
“Holden was supposed to make a choice that benefitted the packs politically. Instead, he found his fated mate and married for love. While Kayden is absolutely the best mate he could possibly have, there are still dissenters among the packs. The purpose of my Contention it to achieve what Holden’s didn’t—to make a political match, for me to have someone who can hold their own as a mate to the beta. I’m not in this for love, Jess, and you know it."
Jessica pursed her lips, looking like she wanted to argue, but I hurried on, not wanting to talk about how my life was being decided for me. “I need to get to bed. I have an early morning run with Holden. I promise you, it’s going to be okay.”
I bent my head and kissed her softly on the lips. She didn’t pull away, but she didn’t melt in my arms either. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Get some rest.”
I left her standing there, wishing things could be different. When I got back to my room, I punched the wall, not even caring that I’d just put a big hole in it. I hated that Jessica already thought that what was potentially the best sex of my life was a mistake.
We were playing a dangerous game here. Yes, my mind should be on the Contention, on finding a mate, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Jessica. About how I didn’t even have the option to see what might be between us because of this fucking mess I’d agreed to.
I went to bed, though sleep didn’t come easy. The sun was rising too soon, and it was time for me to meet Holden.
“Dude, what’s your problem this morning?” was the first thing he said as I met him at the edge of the forest.
“I’m stressed out with this fucking competition,” I growled.
He chuckled and clapped me on the shoulder. “I get it. Believe me.”
Did he, though? He’d had his own issues with Kayden during their Contention, but at least she’d been a contender. I was hung up on a woman who wasn’t even an option for me, and I couldn’t even talk to my best friend about it.
“Let’s just go for the run,” I muttered, pulling my clothes off and letting my shift take over.
As soon as I stretched into my wolf form, I felt a little better, though my mind was still full of thoughts about Jessica. Holden and I ran for about an hour, pushing our wolves to the limits, something we hadn’t done enough of lately. Maybe I should rethink that because it always settled me, helping me clear my mind and act more rationally.
Maybe I wouldn’t have let things get out of hand with Jessica if I’d been more diligent with myself.
