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No.
The thought rumbled through me as I ran. No matter what, I didn’t regret what happened between us. Even if it did make things a million times more complicated.
Once Holden and I finished our run, we shifted back and put on our clothes. As we made our way back, the estate was waking up. There were more shifters out and about on the grounds and in the house than when we had left earlier.
“Come get some coffee with me?” Holden asked. “We haven’t had much time to talk lately.”
I glanced at him, wondering if he suspected anything, but if so, he didn’t let on. “Sure. It’s not like I have work to do or anything. Unless you’ve changed your mind?”
Holden chuckled. “Nah. I’ve got it handled for now.”
I grimaced. “Nice to know how unnecessary I’ve become.”
“Is that what you think?” He stopped and turned to me, his brow furrowed.
I shrugged. “That’s how it feels.”
“That’s not it at all.” He sighed. “Believe me, I’ll be more than happy for you to get back to work, but the work you’re doing now is the most important. This Contention will help us secure our plans for the future. You know that.”
I nodded reluctantly. On an intellectual level, I knew he was right. But my heart wasn’t in it, and I was afraid it would never be. What would it be like to be mated to a woman I didn’t even want? For the rest of my life?
We went to the kitchen for coffee, and the staff was already buzzing around, preparing breakfast for everyone. I’d have to put on a good show today, make conversation with the women and pretend like I was all in. It was getting harder by the day to pretend. The longer it went on, the closer I got to having to choose. I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt so stressed.
“Look…” Holden said after we grabbed some coffee and headed back outside to walk the grounds “… I know you’re having a hard time with this. I can see the struggle. But I want to remind you how important this is. You saw what happened with Amelia and the other alphas… That’s only the beginning of our problems with the alphas if we don’t make some compromises. If we have any hope of getting everyone on board with future plans—”
“I get it,” I interrupted, some of my irritation coming back, even though I tried to hide it. “Believe me. Maybe I should remind you just how far I’m willing to go for the sake of the pack.”
Holden nodded, though he was watching me carefully. It was true. I’d always been happy to sacrifice everything for the pack, and I was doing it again now. I hadn’t realized how much I was sacrificing until recently—until Jessica.
“Have you found any front runners yet?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Not yet. I still have plenty of dates ahead of me, though.”
“Perhaps, but it wouldn’t hurt to start narrowing it down soon. Based on what I’ve overheard from Faye chatting with Kayden—she’s privy to all the assistant gossip—Reagan seems like she’d be a great contender. She’s smart, knowledgeable, motivated.”
It registered in my mind that I was supposed to have taken her out on the date last night, but I didn’t regret how the night had taken an unexpected turn.
“Yeah, she would definitely be a good political match,” I said. “Markus would certainly be happy. I haven’t spent enough time with her to be sure, but she seems intelligent and capable. An alpha’s daughter would be a good choice.”
“I agree.” Holden drummed his fingers on his coffee cup. “Elizabeth seems like a good choice, too. And maybe Hayley, Jasmine, or Ashley.”
I nodded. “Elizabeth seems motivated. She really wants to be here. But I’m not so sure about the others. I guess I could invite them on the next group date.”
Holden stopped and faced me. “I know your heart isn’t in this, Garrett,” he said. “But this will change everything. Just focus on finding someone who will be an asset to the pack. Someone who will be a good partner, even if you don’t find love.”
Love had nothing to do with it, and he knew that. The most important thing to remember was that this was a business transaction more than anything else. That made the prospect of choosing a mate somewhat less daunting, but it was still a bitter pill to swallow. Because even if I didn’t know what my feelings for Jessica were, I felt more for her than I ever had for any other woman—yet she wasn’t an option for me.
I offered Holden what bit of truth I could. “I know I haven’t given this my all, but I promise I’ll try harder. I haven’t forgotten how important this is.”
Holden gave me an encouraging smile. “I know. Just as I hope you know how much I appreciate your willingness to make a political match.”
At least he recognized my efforts, even if it didn’t change anything. I was glad we’d had this talk, though. I could do this. I could choose a mate who would help us reach our goals.
What I would do about my growing feelings for Jessica, though, I had yet to figure out.
* * *
I spentthe next few days playing my part, eating all my meals with the contestants and trying to get to know them better. Even if my heart wasn’t in it, Holden was right. Our future plans depended on me selecting the right women for the council. I focused on who would be the most valuable asset to the pack—that’s how I’d started to think of it since my night with Jessica.
