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“Gah!” I look up at the sky and smile, both because I’m lucky and because I don’t deserve Lily’s affection.
I drop my head back down and cradle her face in my hands, bringing her forehead to mine as I close my eyes.
“I’m sorry I was a dick. More than that, I’m sorry for what happened to you, Lily. I’m sorry you went through something so awful.”
Her lashes flutter against mine.
“It’s okay,” she whispers.
I press my lips to her forehead.
“No, it’s not. And none of it was your fault. I need you to hear that—I need you to believe it. Anika—that night—it wasn’t your fault.”
Her body quivers and I can tell she’s crying. Her hands cling to the lapels of my jacket.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I repeat.
I say it again, softer. And again, almost without sound.
I’ll say it in her dreams until she believes it. I owe her that.
Chapter27
Lily
I’ve wanted to hear those words for so long. I would have given anything for them months ago when the nightmares were at their worst. And the weeks before I came back to Welles, when doubt kept telling me I wouldn’t be able to handle it—I needed those words then too.
But fate nudged Theo at the right time.
It’s my first team practice, and I’ll be in that water for real competition in a few days. It’s hard to swim fast when you’re dragging an anchor, and I have been. It was impossible for a while. It drowned me, beckoned me to the bottom of the pool and tempted me to give up. To stop.
It wasn’t my fault.
Hearing it in his voice was vital. I needed it to be him who broke through the noise in my head and make me believe. Theo is the only one who could.
He didn’t say he forgave me. There was nothing to forgive. Still, I feel forgiven somehow. I think I’ve forgiven myself.
I’ll be swimming the two-hundred free event on Wednesday. It’s an easy race against a weak field, and our coach thought it was a good place to break back into competition. I’ve managed to swim two dozen laps with the team today, and I’ve kept up. That’s all I need to do—keep up. My personal goals are simple. And while it’s sweet that my friends and Theo think I can win, I’m not intending to. I want to finish.
I’m still not sure I want to write about any of it, though. A little late to back out now, I suppose. I emailed Abby after promising Theo I would. She was thrilled. I was sick. I feel used, which is painfully accurate. Iwasused.
“Lily, great work today.” It’s hard to tell if my coach is being encouraging because I didn’t suck or because I told herThe Affiliatewill be sending a photographer to cover our meet. I realize everyone has an angle, and sincerity might be dead for ninety-nine percent of the human race.
“Thanks, Coach.” I towel off and pack my gear, ignoring my teammates whispering to my right.
They’re talking about me. They don’t think I deserve this attention. I don’t want this attention.
I focus on my bag, rolling up my towel and tucking it in the corner, fitting my cap and goggles in, pulling out my slide shoes and sweatpants. The entire time, I hear them. Their gossip is like an air leak, this annoying little buzz. I squeeze my eyes shut.
“She’s not even that good,” one of them says, her words clear despite her attempt to whisper.
“Okay!” I break when the criticism gets to be too much. I straighten from my bag and march toward my teammates. Coach is on the other side of the pool, so it’s just me and these two fifth forms who frankly half-assed their way through practice.
Arms crossed over my chest, sweatpants clutched in my right fist, I jut out my hip and push my tongue into my cheek, giving them a hard stare. Their lips pucker with their effort to contain their laugh. Great, me standing up for myself is funny to them. I’ve been a wallflower and a pushover for too long.
“What’s your problem?” I call them out and stare into the girl on the right’s eyes until she looks directly at me. Her smug grin breaks down the second she does, and I move on to her friend. This time, I take a step or two forward to make her even more uncomfortable. She squirms on the bench and breaks eye contact with me repeatedly, looking to her friend to save her.
McKenna and Jade. I know their names but that’s all I know about them. Most of that is on me for not being great at socializing, but that works in both directions. They don’t know me, either. Not really.
