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‘But you have always said you owe allegiance to no man. You stay out of all this foolishness and waste. That is how to survive this war.’
‘And when it is all over, do I look back and rejoice that it is their blood spilt, and not mine?’
‘No, but you will be safe and so will Clan Bain. It terrifies me that my brothers will be in the thick of this fight, but they are determined to do it, I cannot stop them.’
‘As you cannot stop me, Morna.’
‘They made their choice, and they have pledged to King Robert. But you owe him nothing, not loyalty, not ships, and certainly not your life.’
‘And what do I owe the people here, and you? Do you know what shame does to a man, Morna? It eats away at his soul until there is nothing left. I have been named outlaw, traitor, coward, by the King and by Cormac and others. I have murdered and plundered to become wealthy and powerful, and here I sit, in my castle, smug and safe, while all around me Scotland burns. None of it means anything if I cannot hold my head up with pride.’
‘There is no pride in fighting for a man who took your whole life away from you.’
‘If he took it away, he can also give it back. Trust me, I am not fighting for him, I am fighting for you and the future of this clan and the man I want to be for you. For so many years, I have felt that I owed the world nothing, Morna, not kindness nor honour nor loyalty. I let my bitterness scour all that from my soul and, no matter how much wealth I amassed, how many women I lay with, how many enemies I killed, I could never feel satisfied. That shame, of failing my family, that rage, at the man who ruined them, kept me in darkness, hating myself. But you have led me to the light, and my path is clear. None of what I have means anything if I hate who I am, and I can never feel worthy of you if I do not do this.’
‘By staying out of this madness, you are worthy of me. You are the clever one, you have pledged to no one.’
‘What glory is there in clever? If I fail here, it will press on me in the years to come.’
‘Glory, you say. Glory is an empty thing. Glory does not resurrect the dead nor comfort the grieving. I care not a jot for your precious glory, I just want you safe here, with me. I love you, Will, so much. Please do not throw your life away for nothing.’
‘Morna, if I do not go, and I fail to rally to his cause when King Robert prevails he will turn his eyes to these Isles and the clans who turned their backs on him when he needed them. I’ve lived through Robert’s retribution, and it is not pretty. What kind of Laird am I if I can’t keep my people safe? I have to do this to ensure our future, so do not make it hard for me, I beg you.’
‘I will never forgive you if you do this, Will. I have asked nothing of you. I do not want wealth or position or power over you. I seek only to be by your side. You made me love you, Will. You gave me everything to lose, and it will tear me in two if you die. I am ordering you to stay with me. This is not your fight, and I will not be turned to some weeping widow, pacing the walls of Fitheach, looking out to sea for a ship that will never return.’
‘Morna, it is a fortunate man who wins your heart and I…’
‘Then why are you throwing it into a firestorm? You know what my life has been, for as long as I can remember. People use me to hurt my brothers, and they will die soon, it is just a matter of time, for this war for Scotland goes on and on. It will not end until it makes widows of us all. Before I met you, I had no hope of happiness and, were I ever to find it, I knew it would not last. So I guarded my heart, Will. I did not give in to love just so that I could see it shattered. Please, Will, I am begging you.’
‘I will return to you, safe and sound, I swear.’
‘You cannot swear that, and you know it.’ Morna walked away from him and went over to the window. On the horizon, the day was bleeding into night. ‘I hope you survive this folly Will Bain, but if you do this awful thing, if you break us like this, do not expect me to be here when you return.’
‘You don’t mean that.’
‘I do, I mean every word,’ she said, hugging her arms around her tightly.
Sadness took him. ‘Then there is nothing left for us to say, for I must do this so that I can live with myself,’ he said, turning on his heel and walking away.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Will stared up at the ceiling with his hand behind his head. For hours, sleep had eluded him as his resolve faltered, and the fire in the hearth fire burned down to its embers. The candles guttered in the wind coming off the sea, drafts whining in under the door and through the shutters. He pulled the furs up around him. How cold his bed was without her in it, tempting him, delighting him, loving him. Perhaps Morna was right, he was a fool to give up what he had for a lost cause, and for honour. The world had never shown him any of that, so why did he seek it now?
Will knew the answer. She had changed him, inside and he could not go back to the man he had once been, the careless fool, chasing women and plunder with no thought for tomorrow and with no love in his heart for anything or anyone.
The creak of the door opening had him upright and alert.
Morna entered and closed and barred it behind her. She padded over to the bed, barefoot and shivering, and regarded him sadly.
‘Forgive me, Will. I am sorry for my harsh words,’ she said as she loosed her mantle and let it fall to the floor. The light from the fire shone through the thin fabric of the kirtle she wore, revealing the sweet curve of her hips and the swell of her breasts.
‘There is nothing to forgive Morna.’
‘Yes, there is, I doubted your love for me. That was wrong, so I mean to make it right.’
With that, she climbed onto the bed and sat astride him.
‘Morna, I…’
